Diane Morgan: Teaching my mum to use an iPad in lockdown has pushed us both over the edge – iNews

I know SpaceX is impressive from a technical point of view. It must be a bit fiddly to build a rocket but its nothing compared to teaching my mum how to use her new iPad.

Elon Musk wouldve given up long before shed finally managed to connect to the Wi-Fi. My mum lives in Wales. I havent seen her in months because Im not Dominic Cummings.

I thought buying an iPad for her would help. We could FaceTime each other. She could watch Portrait Artist Of the Year in the airing cupboard if she likes. But I know she hates computers.

In fact, anything metal that requires setting up. Even a spice rack would have her quaking in her boots. Anyone would think I was sending her a mail bomb the way she was reacting.

Ive bought you an iPad.

Oh God, why?

I thought we could Skype?

Whats wrong with the phone? Now Ill have to do my hair. I knew connecting to the Wi-Fi would be the hardest bit.

It would be like one of those films where a man has 30 seconds to disconnect a wire and stop the world from exploding, but he doesnt know which one and hes staring at the wires and sweating.

So, with this in mind, I wrote some very detailed notes on what to do when she switches it on. Id thought of everything but then on the morning of its delivery my phone rang

That machines arrived. I CANT GET IT OUT OF THE BOX! she said.

Id tried to take some of the pain out of it by setting up apps, email and accounts on it before I sent it to her.

This was no easy task because, like all parents, she has five different email accounts. Actually more than that. Anyone would think she was running a sophisticated money-laundering business. Not even Julian Assange would be able to crack her encryption method which is to constantly start new email accounts when she cant remember the old one, and cant find the beermat that she writes the passwords on.

Click on your network and press enter.

It doesnt say enter.

Maybe it says connect?

No.

Does it say continue?

No. Nothing like that.

What does it say?

It says Join.

THEN PRESS JOIN! (Pause)

Its asking me to put the passcode in!

WELL PUT IT IN!

What if it rings?

Why will it ring? It isnt a phone.

To simplify things, I removed most of the apps I didnt think shed use/need/like which was all of them. Well almost. This left only the weather app. Which is like me buying her an expensive robot butler, removing his brain and chucking it in the bin, then pinning the puzzle page from the Daily Express on his eye-hole. I downloaded one other app for her: a meditation app.

The irony. JUST CLICK ON THE TIBETAN SINGING BOWL! I thought it would help to lower her blood pressure, but at this rate Im worried itll finish us both off. I thought this would be a good thing. You see adverts on TV with children waving to their smiling grandparents on Skype.

It doesnt show my angry mother unwrapping an iPad, swearing, and then using it as a coaster. Im making a mental note to try and stay on top of technological advances. I think it helps if you have kids, but I dont, and you shouldnt give birth just to have someone help you with your IT, thats frowned upon.

Luckily, I can write all about it here, because Im fairly confident shell never be able look up the online version of this, and its too dangerous to go to the shop these days. Meanwhile, Im going to teach her how to double-click.

Wish me luck.

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Diane Morgan: Teaching my mum to use an iPad in lockdown has pushed us both over the edge - iNews