Refusing to give death the last word – The Boston Globe

But the death toll only tells one side of the story. The other side is the anger of being unable to see or touch your deceased loved one for the last time. Its a different type of grief, says Carolyn Whigham, my mothers longtime partner and co-owner of Whigham Funeral Home in Newark, N.J. This is where you snot. Cry. Stomp. Shout. Cuss. Spit.

I asked Carolyn and my mom, Terry Whigham, about their experiences as Black undertakers during the coronavirus outbreak. The stories they shared speak to the scandalous nature of the pandemic. Were not only grieving our dead. Were grieving the inability to properly grieve.

This is not our new normal. This is the death of normal.

THERE WAS NEVER a dull moment growing up in a Black funeral home. After school, my brother and I played hide-and-seek between and inside caskets. Our chores included rolling old Star-Ledger newspapers used to prop up bodies for wakes. In the summers, when I wasnt at basketball camp, I passed out peppermints and tissues to family members of the deceased. I knew I didnt want to make a living burying the dead. But I was spellbound by the way we mourn.

Service after service I witnessed the electricity and elegance of Black grief. The adorned body laid out in an open casket. Elders dressed in their Sunday best tarrying and telling stories of the good ol days. Teenagers with a classmates face emblazoned on R.I.P. T-shirts. A spirited eulogy followed by a festive repast where soul food is served and family drama unfolds.

Its a ritual of death transformed into a celebration of life.

For Black communities, who have been disproportionately affected by the coronavirus, bans on funerals have been particularly devastating. I understand why. Not only did I grow up in a Black funeral home, but Im currently finishing my dissertation on African American mourning.

Burial traditions have long animated African American culture, politics, and resistance. During slavery, insurrectionists like Gabriel Prosser and Nat Turner plotted rebellions at slave funerals. A year before the Montgomery Bus Boycott, Mamie Till held an open-casket service for her slain son so the world could see what they did to my baby. The publication of the images of Emmett Tills mutilated body, many historians argue, was the match that sparked the civil rights movement.

Three years ago, white supremacist Dylann Roof walked into Mother Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, S.C., and slaughtered nine black parishioners. The day after President Barack Obama eulogized pastor and state senator Clementa Pinckney, activist Bree Newsome scaled a 30-foot pole at the South Carolina State House and removed the Confederate flag. I was hoping that somehow they would have the dignity to take the flag down before his casket passed by, she said in an interview after her arrest.

What does this have to do with the coronavirus? Black grief does not begin or end at the funeral procession regardless of how someone has died. Our dead live on in the food we eat, the songs we sing, the children we raise, the ballots we cast, the movements we build, and the dreams we struggle to make real. But how can African Americans work through the psychological wage of unfathomable grief without the sound of a Hammond B-3 organ, or tender touch of an auntie, or the smell of cornbread and candied yams, or the sight of our loved ones beautified body?

Could your big mama cook? Did you save any of her recipes? Carolyn asks a family friend whose grandmother, who was known for her peach cobbler, passed away from COVID-19. No, because it was all in how big mama did the crust, the granddaughter explained.

Well, maybe grandma couldnt write down how to do the crust but did you stand over her shoulder and watch how she kneaded that flour? Carolyn asks. She wants to make sure that what remains in the wake of loss doesnt pass away with grandma.

The great poet and activist Amiri Baraka, whom my family funeralized in jazzy splendor, spoke to this in his book Eulogies: I want to help pass on what needs to live on not just in the archive but on the sidewalk of Afro-America itself.

How do we keep that tradition alive amid deserted sidewalks and overcrowded morgues? Hell, how do we keep ourselves alive as we witness, once again, Black death go viral?

I HEARD ABOUT the killing of Ahmaud Arbery the day after my friends father died of COVID-19. Then I heard about the killing of Breonna Taylor by police officers who burst into the wrong home to look for a suspect who was already in custody in Louisville, Ky. Then 21-year-old Dreasjon Reed and 19-year-old McHale Rose, two Black men killed by Indianapolis police within an eight-hour stretch. Then, before I could finish writing this story, George Floyd, another Black man, was killed by a white police officer, who pinned him to the ground for eight minutes as he pleaded for his deceased mother and yelled I cant breathe, echoing Eric Garners last words.

I refuse to watch the videos of the killings of Ahmaud, Dreasjon, or George. Ive seen the reel too many times. Different city, different cop, different circumstances. Same horror story. But when I heard that a detective in Indianapolis said its going to be a closed casket, homie, evidently referring to Dreasjons funeral, I lost it.

Unfortunately, Im used to police playing judge, jury, and executioner. But this officer had the audacity to assume the role of an undertaker, too. Its nauseating.

Black people are not only dying at alarming rates from the virus. Were still dying from pre-existing conditions of racial injustice. There is no ban on police brutality during this pandemic. We are losing jobs and loved ones. Police are dragging us off buses for not wearing masks, while prison officials are withholding personal protective equipment to our loved ones behind bars.

Truth is: The pandemic is unprecedented but all too familiar. The endless grief hits close to home. In one year, my family buried my brother, father, and grandmother. My mom visits my brothers crypt almost every day. Between funerals, she steals away and sits with his remains. For Thanksgiving she brings him pork chops smothered in gravy. His favorite. On the anniversary of his transition, as she likes to call it, she gives his shrine a makeover and sings Sam Cookes A Change Gon Come. Chad had an old soul.

I last saw my brother on his 32nd birthday, four days before a heart attack took his last breath away. My memory of his funeral comes in shards. I remember the sound of the drums and the look on my moms face and me laughing quietly to myself at the idea that he had won our final game of hide-and-seek.

In the midst of our own grief, my family has provided dignified memorial services to Black people in New Jersey, including Sarah Vaughan, Amiri Baraka, Whitney Houston, and the countless beautiful lives whose names and stories dont make national headlines. Like the daughter of the woman who banged on the funeral home window. A week later, the woman held her shirt still as my mom, standing a short distance away in personal protective equipment, pinned a brooch that contained a photo of her daughter whod just been cremated.

The woman wept and said, Its the little things that mean so much.

Shes right. A spirit of care and compassion sits at the heart of our heroic efforts to stay alive, too.

In the midst of all of the death and violence, Black people continue to fight back, risking our lives to save others. I witnessed hundreds of protesters wearing face masks chanting Whose streets? Our streets! at the intersection of West 62nd Street and Michigan Road in Indianapolis, where Dreasjon was shot and killed. I thought about the residents of Canfield Drive in Ferguson, Mo., who, before Mike Browns blood had dried, planted flowers between teddy bears and empty liquor bottles to commemorate his death. I pictured Bree bringing down the Confederate flag, and the heartaches and heartbeats of Black joggers as they ran with Ahmaud. Today, I marvel at the bravery of people across the country protesting Georges killing and resisting patterns of police violence amidst the deadliest pandemic in over a century.

Even Carolyn and my mother who dont consider themselves activists provided a hearse for a funeral procession protest honoring the memory of the 45 inmates who have died from the virus in New Jersey prisons.

My familys funeral home embodies the incredibly essential work before us all today: burying our dead while refusing to let death have the last word.

Nyle Fort is a minister, activist, and Ph.D. candidate at Princeton University. Follow him on Twitter @nylefort.

Excerpt from:

Refusing to give death the last word - The Boston Globe