Slippery when wet: Bedwetting is an unpleasant but common phenomenon normally associated with stressed toddlers or the elderly and infirm, but increasingly the term bedwetting has come to apply to those slithering members of the Liberal Party who wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat worrying about Simon Holmes a Courts war chest. If you believe yourself to be a bedwetter, when you reach that critical fork in the road of your career, avoid turning down the Menzian path and instead take the low road with a copy of The Guardian to guide you on your way.
Pumping up your own tyres: Its important in politics to always have someone pumping up your tyres, preferably a tame journalist at the ABC, one of the wishy-washy talkback hosts on 2GB, or any of the daytime ones at Sky. (First-time drivers should avoid After Dark at all costs!)
Successfully performing a three-point turn: These days it is best to avoid doing obvious U-turns in case the media catch you at it (surely the traffic police? -ed.) However, in Glasgow this year, shortly before my own unfortunate car accident, I witnessed a breath-taking three-point turn executed with astonishing dexterity by the Prime Minister himself. First, he got Josh to announce that international hedge funds would no longer invest in Australia unless we took tougher action against climate change, then he had Dave Sharma and a bunch of L-platers threaten to cross the floor unless we took tougher action against climate change, and then he had Twiggy Forrest invent green hydrogen so we could get to net zero by 2050! The perfect 360 degree U-turn!
Right-of-way: As Ive always said, bigots have right-of-way, too.
Brad Hazzards ahead: Health ministers and chief health officers at both state and federal levels present a dangerous road block to freedom, individual choice and democratic values, so it is best to skirt round them altogether.
Blind spots: Most young Liberals these days have a blind spot when it comes to the weather, believing that all adverse driving conditions are a direct result of catastrophic climate change. Indeed, as I personally discovered during the icy road conditions at the global warming conference in Glasgow late last year, global warming, and indeed trying to keep up with the PM during global warming conferences, can do enormous damage to your career, er, I mean to your car (Dont you mean both? ed).
Complex intersections: As a complex individual myself, I have often noted the importance that intersectionality plays in the modern academic and indeed political sphere. Obviously, being a modern Liberal, you are expected to also be a diverse and inclusive ally to the LGBTQ+ community, the gender-queer BIPOC kink community, the sustainable stolen land feminist community, the trans indigenous friends of the planet comm- (thats enough intersectional communities for one modern Liberal ed).
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Learn how to be the very model of a modern Liberal member - The Australian Financial Review
