Regular Orgasms Are for Mortals; All the Cool Kids Are Having ‘Longevity Orgasms’

Soon our significant others will cheat on us with robots.

This is what comes up when you Google image search sexy robot. (Photo: Dragon Painting)

If youre already following the advice of your longevity coach and working to live as long as humanly possible (until the Singularity comes and your being is finally merged with that of a robot), then youre probably ready to take your training to the next level. Self-quantifying via sleep tracking apps and the Nike Fuel Band will only get you so far, and unless youre Peter Thiel, hyperbaric chambers are rather expensive. Luckily, the next step towards total transhumanism is much more pleasurable: buying a sex robot and having longevity orgasms.

Only those with an average lifespan would settle for normal orgasms. Instead, sexual satisfaction produced by a robot sex dollis quickly becoming the fantasy of many transhumanists:

Sexbots are coming, and we will cum with them. Three times a week or whatever our physician / longevity coach recommends. Because orgasms especially the hormone-exploding Os well eventually enjoy with carnal cyborgs are excellent for mental and physical health.

Remember the most convulsive, brain-ripping climax you ever had? The one that left you with I could die happy now satiety? Sexbots will electrocute our flesh with climaxes thrice as gigantic because theyll be more desirable, patient, eager, and altruistic than their meat-bag competition, plus theyll be uploaded with supreme sex-skills from millennia of erotic manuals, archives and academic experiments, and their anatomy will feature sexplosive devices. Sexbots will heighten our ecstasy until we have shrieking, frothy, bug-eyed, amnesia-inducing orgasms. Theyll offer us quadruple-tongued cunnilingus, open-throat silky fellatio, deliriously gentle kissing, transcendent nipple tweaking, g-spot massage & prostate milking dexterity, plus 2,000 varieties of coital rhythm with scented lubes this will all be ours when the Sexbots arrive.

Technology hasnt quite gotten to the point where shrieking, frothy, bug-eyed orgasms via sentient robots is a reality, but were getting close. Transhumanity points to the already-existent Fucking Machines and Andydroid for all of your longevity orgasm needs.

Suddenly your James Deen is my next-door neighbor and needs to borrow a cup of sugar fantasy seems so vanilla.

Jessica Roy is a reporter for Betabeat and the New York Observer. Follow Jessica on Twitter or via RSS. jroy@observer.com

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Regular Orgasms Are for Mortals; All the Cool Kids Are Having ‘Longevity Orgasms’