READY: Open letter from the Prince of Darkness

Most of this column takes the form of a letter, but first an admission as to its content.

Be advised the following is politically incorrect, intolerant, judgmental, and controversial. As well as in-your-face religious.

But this is an opinion column after all, so I believe in what Im saying.

An atheist-funded research poll claims 2 out of 3 Americans acknowledge the existence of the Devil and a place called Hell. After the events of September 11, 2001, that number rose to 71 percent (Harris/Gallup Poll) and then rises and falls depending upon the latest horrific school shooting or act of terrorism.

I, too, believe in Satan and in a fiery place of eternal punishment for lost souls. The heavy metal rock singer, Marilyn Manson, believes in it also. He says hes confident hes going there after his death, laughing, Im gonna say that it (Hell) would be a more comfortable place for me because everyone I know will be there, and I wouldnt be allowed to have any fun in heaven. At least, hes not one of those many Christians who believe pretty much were all going to heaven by being a good person.

In my often dark thoughts, Ive let Satan into my head long enough to compose an open letter as I think he might write to his disciples:

Dear To- Whom- It- Applies:

I know you probably dont believe in me, but I believe in you. Youre one of my great successes. I saw you this morning as you began your day. You awoke without thanksgiving for being alive and well, or for the beautiful spring day. You werent even appreciative you had a hot cup of coffee and a good breakfast. Youre so ungrateful, I like that about you.

Easters coming in a few weeks, and I heard you say something about getting the family new outfits and Easter baskets for the kids. I suppose since you showed up last Christmas, youll pat yourself on the back as you warm the pew in your finery. Youll promise the preacher to come back next week, but you and I both know youll find something more important to do when Sunday comes. I heard your mumbled thoughts about going to church this Sunday so youll feel less phony about attending on Easter. As your best fiend (uhmm, I mean friend), let me give you some great excuses for missing services anytime:

Getting the kids dressed in their Sunday best first thing in the morning stresses me out. I dont like the songs they sing. I was forced to go when I was younger. There are too many hypocrites in church. Theyre always asking me for money. I work hard all week; Im entitled to a day of rest.

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READY: Open letter from the Prince of Darkness