Youve Taken a DNA Test and Uncovered a Family Secret. Now What? – AARP

How to communicate with new relatives

When Mary Hanson, 50, of Minneapolis, found a match to a half brother on 23andMe in January 2020, she was not surprised. Hansons parents divorced when she was young, and her father was not a part of her life. Before the advent of DNA testing, Hansons mother had received calls from people trying to track down her ex-husband because they thought he was their father.

Shortly after Hanson received her own DNA results, a half sister reached out. They exchanged messages, and soon the half sister started to ask for money. Hanson decided to cut off contact.

When 23andMe linked Hansons DNA to her half brother, they started a dialogue on the companys messaging application.

Matt didnt seem to want anything, Hanson, 50, said. He was just looking for his genealogy. I got the gut feeling that he was a nice person.

They met in June when Matt visited family in Minneapolis for the first time since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.

So what to do when you find, or are contacted by, these previously unknown relatives?

Mireles-Taylor, Hanson and genealogists recommend that searchers set reasonable expectations when connecting with newly discovered family members. Understand that their sudden appearance can disrupt a family and cause conflict. They should not expect anything more than information to inform their medical history and the story behind their birth, says Richard Hill, who tracked down his birth parents via DNA evidence and now helps adopted people reconnect with birth parents.

Probably 90 percent of cases, the birth parent is at least willing to give information and answer the adoptees questions, Hill says. They are willing to help that person get some kind of closure.

Mireles-Taylor and Hanson have other recommendations, too:

Even in cases that are not emotionally challenging, sometimes newfound family members do not accept invitations to connect.

Crista Cowan, the corporate genealogist for Ancestry, had a DNA match to a fourth cousin in England. She reached out to the person but never heard back. Cowan has had a better experience with the second cousins she knew as a child. When she grew up in California, Cowans family had large reunions near her grandparents home in Los Angeles. After she moved to Oregon and later to Washington, she and her family did not make the trip for the annual reunions. Over time, she lost touch with second cousins. DNA testing helped her reconnect with several of them.

Mireles-Taylor approached forming a relationship with her newfound relatives with caution. After learning the news, she waited a while before sending a letter to her biological father. Then, she sent a Facebook message to the biological brother that 23andMe had matched her with. The family relationship grew deeper when the five siblings scheduled separate phone calls with her to introduce themselves over the course of five nights. After that, she talked to her biological father.

They were all very kind, very inclusive, and they understood it was a big shock to me, Mireles-Taylor says. There are so many wonderful things that have come from it.

Pre-pandemic, Mireles-Taylor saw this new part of her family about once a year. During one of the visits, her brothers and sisters asked her to recreate a photo from their childhood this time with their newfound sister added in.

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Youve Taken a DNA Test and Uncovered a Family Secret. Now What? - AARP