I was at an in-person Shabbat dinner a couple weeks ago my first since the pandemic began. It was my first time back in that previously-familiar environment, figuring out who you know in common with the strangers at the table.
At this dinner, specifically, the main point of connection for our game of Jewish geography was several romantic entanglements. All of us knew multiple people including some at the table who had dated a few specific guys, and revelations abounded, with appropriate gasps and laughs and editorializing commentary.
I cannot tell you how delightful it was. I stayed at this dinner until past midnight, even though it was pouring that night and I almost hadnt come.
Part of this delight was, of course, finally getting to meet new people, relax and talk at length over a tasty meal indoors in someone elses apartment. But a big part of it was the gossip.
Over the past 16 months of varying levels of quarantine, gossip has been one of the greatest losses. I talk to my friends about politics and religion and our hopes for the future and lighter stuff like TV or TikTok but gossip breeds a certain instant intimacy that is hard to achieve any other way.
I dont mean the kind of gossip that tabloids trade in; Ive never met Jennifer Aniston, so I dont really care if shes been sighted with Brad Pitt. I mean gossip about yourself, and the communities youre actually involved in.
Telling people about your own exploits and foibles requires trust and vulnerability, and it cements relationships. But with hardly anyone dating or going on adventures or seeing each other, it felt like our lives were frozen in time; there are only so many times I can talk about virus anxiety or cabin fever. My friendships sometimes felt like they were in stasis without a shared reality to bond over or personal drama to reveal and analyze.
The loss of gossip is not only isolating on an individual level it also severs ties to community. Gossip helps you better connect to and understand the contours of the communities youre part of, and establishes you as an insider. Without shared information about people, the knowledge that you are all part of the same scene and that you all impact each other, the bonds that hold a group together begin to wither. And it feels precarious to reenter the community blind, without any gossip by which to navigate the ways it has changed.
Gossip is generally decried in Jewish text all the top Google hits when I searched for Jewish gossip were admonishing the reader not to engage in lashon hara, or, literally, evil tongue.
But, gossip is rarely, well, all that gossipy, according to a 2019 study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, which found that only 15% of gossip was negative. Instead, gossip tends to be neutral social information about acquaintances, such as how new parents are doing with their infant.
Researchers have also found that gossip serves to help people bond and function socially, and aids communities in keeping track of the well-being of its members. It teaches cultural norms of a community, making it tighter and helping to perpetuate tradition.
This is particularly true in Jewish settings, where the (in)famous game of Jewish geography is a symptom of the fact that our communities are deeply interconnected. Everyone knows everyone else, and news gets around fast making us feel tightly bound to one another. Its vital to know who is sleeping with whom, who is newly religious or had a falling out or got a new job, so you can better navigate your social surroundings and make sure not to invite someones new beau to a Shabbat meal with their ex.
Honestly, what is the Talmud if not a canonized version of gossipy tales about rabbis arguing and everyday Jews trying to figure out how to live their lives? In Berakhot 62a, theres even a story about a student watching his rabbi use the bathroom, in the interest of learning the correct minhag, or custom. In the next anecdote, the same student lies under his rabbis bed in order to witness him having sex with his wife ostensibly, for the purpose of learning Torah but also incidentally pretty much the best gossip Ive ever heard.
My Shabbat table was a perfect example of all of this. Several people having stories about having dated the same guy, for example, creates intimacy, teaches me the dating norms of the community and also tells me that said guy might be more complicated than hes worth, if the prospect of dating him happens to arise.
Even just one gossipy dinner made me feel like I was part of the community again, both trusted and in-the-know, connected even to those who were strangers at the start of the meal. Hopefully, at the next one, having lived a bit more in the interim, Ill have more of my own tea to spill.
Link:
Gossip is back and thats a good thing - Forward
- 3-week-old baby hospitalized with brain infection after brit gone wrong - The Jerusalem Post [Last Updated On: July 5th, 2020] [Originally Added On: July 5th, 2020]
- Why Isn't Poultry and Dairy Kosher? - Kosher - Chabad.org [Last Updated On: July 5th, 2020] [Originally Added On: July 5th, 2020]
- Where There's a Will There's a Why - TAPinto.net [Last Updated On: July 5th, 2020] [Originally Added On: July 5th, 2020]
- Why the Menorah Is the Most Enduring of All Jewish Symbols - Flux Magazine [Last Updated On: July 5th, 2020] [Originally Added On: July 5th, 2020]
- What is the Book of Esther really about? - San Diego Jewish World [Last Updated On: July 5th, 2020] [Originally Added On: July 5th, 2020]
- A treasure trove of LGBTQ texts from two millennia of Jewish history - The Jewish News of Northern California [Last Updated On: July 5th, 2020] [Originally Added On: July 5th, 2020]
- Is it Permissible to Study Mishneh Torah as a Stand-Alone Work? - Mishneh Torah In-Depth, Article 1 - Introduction to Mishneh Torah - Chabad.org [Last Updated On: July 5th, 2020] [Originally Added On: July 5th, 2020]
- When King Louis IX Burned the Talmud - Aish [Last Updated On: July 5th, 2020] [Originally Added On: July 5th, 2020]
- How to beat the virus? It's in the Talmud - Jewish News [Last Updated On: July 5th, 2020] [Originally Added On: July 5th, 2020]
- Words, like sticks and stones, can hurt us - The Jewish Star [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- Together, we can lift each other to a higher level - Jewish Community Voice [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- Harnessing Information - The Jewish Press - JewishPress.com [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- Psalm 23: Who Walks in the Valley of the Shadow of Death? - My Jewish Learning [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- Opinion: Why can't we learn to disagree without being disagreeable? - Spartanburg Herald Journal [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- The Wake-up Call the World Received in 5780 - Touro College News [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- Meaning of community - jewishpresstampa [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- Babylonian Talmud [Full Text] - Jewish Virtual Library [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- 21 Talmud Facts Every Jew Should Know - Talmud [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- What is the Talmud? Biblical Meaning & Definition [Last Updated On: August 26th, 2020] [Originally Added On: August 26th, 2020]
- As Israel Eases Lockdown, Fears of Another Infection Spike - Israel Today [Last Updated On: October 20th, 2020] [Originally Added On: October 20th, 2020]
- It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future but it's not impossible - The Japan Times [Last Updated On: October 20th, 2020] [Originally Added On: October 20th, 2020]
- Prop. 18 is vital for teens who want and deserve to vote - The Jewish News of Northern California [Last Updated On: October 20th, 2020] [Originally Added On: October 20th, 2020]
- God's transformative tears | Religious Life | jewishaz.com - Jewish News of Greater Phoenix [Last Updated On: October 20th, 2020] [Originally Added On: October 20th, 2020]
- Why Is the Torah Read at Shabbat Minchah? - Chabad.org [Last Updated On: October 20th, 2020] [Originally Added On: October 20th, 2020]
- At one JCC, new classes make it easy for adults with disabilities to tune in - Forward [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- Yiddish professor goes viral in town hall with President Biden - Forward [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- My son, Mohammed El Halabi, is innocent of funding Hamas - opinion - The Jerusalem Post [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- Matthew Keene: America can heal when it works to become righteous - GoErie.com [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- Leadership Lessons from Shushan | Charles E. Savenor | The Blogs - The Times of Israel [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- A rabbis open letter to his haredi brethren - The Jerusalem Post [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- Terumah: Elevating our intentions - The Jewish Standard [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- What kind of Jew are you? - comment - The Jerusalem Post [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- Adam Grant and The Case for Nuance in Jewish Education - Jewish Journal [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- Procrastination, Colors, And The IKEA Effect - The Jewish Press - JewishPress.com [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- Time to shift attitude to one of belonging - Cleveland Jewish News [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- Death Is Nothing to Celebrate - The Atlantic [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- CLERGY CORNER: Is there a blessing for the COVID-19 vaccine? - newportri.com [Last Updated On: February 22nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 22nd, 2021]
- Haman's Sons Correlating to the Nuremberg Nazis YS - Yeshiva World News [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- YU Releases COVID-Safe Purim Programming for Beren and Wilf Students - The Commentator - The Commentator [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- Rabbi Megan Doherty on the Heartbeat Bill The Oberlin Review - The Oberlin Review [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- Searching Jewish wisdom for guidance on vaccination | Ohr Chadash | stljewishlight.com - St. Louis Jewish Light [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- Letters to the Editor | The Pittsburgh Jewish Chronicle - thejewishchronicle.net [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- Jonah Sanderson Successfully Navigates His Disability, Aims to Make Jewish Community More Inclusive - Jewish Journal [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- The Jewish Education Night of Networking Yeshiva University News - Yu News [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- Your Shabbat table is magic. No, really. The rabbis said so. - The Jewish News of Northern California [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- Talmud on the Mind: Exploring Chazal & Practical Psychology to Lead a Better Life - The Jewish Voice [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- Is it kosher to smoke weed for Purim? - Forward [Last Updated On: February 28th, 2021] [Originally Added On: February 28th, 2021]
- Science and Technology: Strengthening and Sustaining the Federal Science and Technology Workforce - Government Accountability Office [Last Updated On: March 18th, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 18th, 2021]
- Luokung Announces Closing on 100% Equity Interests of eMapGo Technologies - PRNewswire [Last Updated On: March 18th, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 18th, 2021]
- Why is it so hard to build government technology? - MIT Technology Review [Last Updated On: March 18th, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 18th, 2021]
- Experts Explore the Need for a National Technology Strategy - Nextgov [Last Updated On: March 18th, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 18th, 2021]
- Digital Technology Will Eliminate Millions of Jobs But Create New Opportunities - PRNewswire [Last Updated On: March 18th, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 18th, 2021]
- Home | Lyte Gaming PCs [Last Updated On: March 18th, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 18th, 2021]
- Negative effects of technology: Psychological, social, and ... [Last Updated On: March 18th, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 18th, 2021]
- COVID-19 in Quebec: What you need to know Thursday - CBC.ca [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- Resurrecting the Reneged Deal - Modern Diplomacy [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- The imprint of Jews in Germany on the Jewish world - opinion - The Jerusalem Post [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- Getting vaccinated was a lesson in humility and gratitude J. - The Jewish News of Northern California [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- Confirmed COVID-19 variant cases jump by 179 in Quebec, including in schools - Montreal Gazette [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- Six educators to receive awards from JEC of Cleveland - Cleveland Jewish News [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- Join ToI Community and meet the matriarch of Orthodox feminism, Blu Greenberg - The Times of Israel [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- Jewish community in Newcastle, England, shrinks, but has unexpected help - The Jerusalem Post [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- And Then: New Haggadah Captures Ancient and Contemporary Aspects of Passover - jewishboston.com [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- The Jewish community in Newcastle, England, is shrinking. But it's getting some unexpected help. - Jewish Telegraphic Agency [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- Parashat Vayikra: I Give, Therefore I Love - My Jewish Learning [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- Faith Matters: Rebalancing our culture of consumption - The Recorder [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- This rabbi has seen the future, and it sounds like Clubhouse - The Jerusalem Post [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- The haredi-Christian tragedy and the idol worship of Talmud Torah - The Jerusalem Post [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- Talmud - New World Encyclopedia [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- What Is the Talmud? | My Jewish Learning [Last Updated On: March 21st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 21st, 2021]
- 7 facts about Passover that will surprise and delight you - St. Louis Jewish Light [Last Updated On: March 31st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 31st, 2021]
- Arts & Culture Newsletter: Celebrating 50 years of Queen with 50 weeks' worth of free clips - The San Diego Union-Tribune [Last Updated On: March 31st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 31st, 2021]
- What I've learned teaching Jewish texts in the UAE - Jewish News of Greater Phoenix [Last Updated On: March 31st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 31st, 2021]
- Was the 'forbidden fruit' in the Garden of Eden really an apple? - Livescience.com [Last Updated On: March 31st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 31st, 2021]
- How Matzah and the Teshuvas HaRashba Saved Yidden From Hamas Terrorists - Yeshiva World News [Last Updated On: March 31st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 31st, 2021]
- To the editor | Families & Lifestyles | jewishaz.com - Jewish News of Greater Phoenix [Last Updated On: March 31st, 2021] [Originally Added On: March 31st, 2021]
- Moving from the particular to the universal: The highest calling for the Jewish People? - St. Louis Jewish Light [Last Updated On: April 2nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: April 2nd, 2021]
- Its hard to connect to the Torah as a trans Jew. Im trying anyway. - Forward [Last Updated On: April 2nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: April 2nd, 2021]
- It is hard to connect to the Torah as a trans Jew. Here's why I'm trying anyway. - JTA News - Jewish Telegraphic Agency [Last Updated On: April 2nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: April 2nd, 2021]
- Virtually no more Jews left in Iraq, only empty buildings | | AW - The Arab Weekly [Last Updated On: April 2nd, 2021] [Originally Added On: April 2nd, 2021]