You’re Invited to My Birthday FundraiserAlso, My Husband Is on the Supreme Court – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The claim that the Justices opinions are politically neutral is becoming increasingly hard to accept, especially from Thomas, whose wife, Virginia (Ginni) Thomas, is a vocal right-wing activist. The New Yorker

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Please join me this Friday for a festive celebration and fundraiser. Its going to be a fun, low-key time. Also, my husband is on the Supreme Court.

In keeping with my ongoing philanthropic efforts, Ive pledged to make my birthday event all about giving back, and your generous donations are highly encouraged. Obviously, I cant promise you anything in return for participating other than the pure feeling of contributing to a worthy cause. Also, my husband does sit on the highest court in the United States.

It is my birthday, but no need to bring a giftjust yourself and your checkbook. (A $5,000 minimum donation is required to attend the party.) Contributions are tax deductible and, to keep things simple, checks can be made payable directly to me. My last name is spelled the same way as one of the justices on the Supreme Court.

The fundraiser benefits the BWF Foundation (Babies With Firearms), an incredible organization that makes sure that babies can easily register for guns at the hospitals theyre born at. We all know that life begins at conception, and gun ownership should begin at birth. (Side note: Christian babies only.)

If over $500,000 is raised, your name will also be etched on a commemorative plaque that will be installed on a bollard near the Supreme Court building as a reminder of your vital First and Second Amendment rights. And so that my husband can see it as he goes to work and can remember what a good time he had at this party.

The evening will include some light music, no dancing, and spirited conversation about what used to, and will again soon, make America so great. Have you thought about fireworks recently? How great are they? If you pledge at least $10,000 right now, Ill let you onto the lawn to watch a red, white, and blue firework displaywhich my husband will also be watching. Hell be the one in the robe.

Im already looking forward to your attendance so we can support a great cause and talk about important topics facing this country, like how January 6th was just a fun lawn party/indoor parade that the media blew totally out of proportion. What, we cant have indoor parades now? Also, did you know there are only nine Supreme Court justices, and my husband is one of them?

Well round out the evening with a patriotic toast from yours truly, reminding you how much freedom your money is helping to buyand that Im available for very private paid speaking engagements. If youre ready to commit $25,000 right now, Ill make sure you, or a think tank of your choosing, are mentioned by name (depending on your tax situation). My husband loves to hear me give toasts, and also, the Supreme Court is a lifetime appointment, and hell be there for the foreseeable future.

Hoping you (or your corporations chief philanthropy officer) will be able to attend. There will be a lot of governors there (but only from the good states). Looking forward to seeing you and your money soon!

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You're Invited to My Birthday FundraiserAlso, My Husband Is on the Supreme Court - McSweeney's Internet Tendency