Republicans Wont Do Much Convening in Florida, Colbert Thinks – The New York Times

Well, at least they dont have a lot of old people down there. Or at least, thanks to their governor, they wont in about three weeks. STEPHEN COLBERT

As one G.O.P. representative put it, Everybody just assumes no one is going. Yeah, even the R.S.V.P.s say, Check one: Not attending, What? No!, or Im ready, Jesus. STEPHEN COLBERT

I dont blame any of these people for not going. Not only is Florida the new epicenter, but in addition, Party officials were considering docking cruise ships in the citys port to provide extra lodging. So, youre in Florida, spending all day in an auditorium full of screaming people who wont wear masks, then you go home to sleep on a floating petri dish. The only way it would be more infectious is if the dinner was an all-you-can-bob lasagna buffet. STEPHEN COLBERT

Yeah, the president is now holding a three-day outdoor event in Florida in August. It will be worth watching just to see Trump lap up glasses of water like a thirsty golden retriever. And poor Mike Pence is going to be sweating like hes sitting through a Drag Race marathon. JIMMY FALLON

Yeah, Trump decided to move the convention outside after meeting with his most trusted advisers, Chuck Woolery and the My Pillow guy. JIMMY FALLON

Theyre shutting down again. Hollywood loves a sequel. This time its Shutdown 2: We Opened Up 2 Fast and People Are Furious. STEPHEN COLBERT

It was also announced that Los Angeles and San Diego have abandoned plans for even a partial physical return to classrooms. No in-person schooling. So bullies, youre going to have to get the nerds to Venmo you their lunch money. STEPHEN COLBERT

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Republicans Wont Do Much Convening in Florida, Colbert Thinks - The New York Times