Tech Leaders Justify Project To Create Army Of AI-Controlled Bulletproof Grizzly Bears As Inevitable Part Of P – The Onion

SUNNYVALE, CAAttacking the ignorant Luddites who questioned the wisdom and necessity of the program, the nations top tech leaders issued a statement Thursday calling their industrys plan to create an army of AI-controlled bulletproof grizzly bears an unavoidable and inevitable part of progress. Lets be real: Sentient machines that control thousand-pound bears with razor-sharp titanium claws are going to happen no matter what we do, so we might as well be the ones who do it, said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who, along with leaders such as Alphabets Sundar Pichai and Amazons Jeff Bezos, signed a letter pushing back against critics who had described the Grizzly Project as dangerous, unnecessary, and damaging to humanity. Any kind of regulation on this front will only hinder Americas ability to design and mass-produce high-quality indestructible grizzlies, which is the way the world is headed. You cant stop progress, and you cant really separate deadly bears that shoot acid from their mouths from the technology that helps people every day. Besides, these grizzlies have many nonlethal uses. Do you want to deny an elderly woman a powerful machine-bear hybrid that can carry her groceries and dispense her medication just because it also has the potential to kill millions of human beings? At press time, Congress had approved $8 billion in research grants for the Grizzly Project after hearing China was well on its way to developing fire-breathing pandas.

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Tech Leaders Justify Project To Create Army Of AI-Controlled Bulletproof Grizzly Bears As Inevitable Part Of P - The Onion