Reviving The Lost Art of Forgiveness – Forbes

Former South African President Nelson Mandela on May 16, 2005 (Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images)

A nationally known candidate for governor is slammed for days in the media when she appeared without a face mask in front of a group of masked school children, despite her strong, widely known public support for mask-wearing during the COVID pandemic. She made a mistake. A brilliant, visionary CEO is shunned for months after he admits to having had a consensual sexual relationship with a co-worker several years earlier. He made a mistake. In anger over a dispute concerning a deeply held view of his, a U.S. Senator inadvertently used a smutty word and was roundly criticized for weeks. He made a mistake.

This is a time of divisiveness, an era when the slightest blunder triggers strong censure, often far exceeding the gravity of the misstep. The view that "to err is human" has been replaced with "to err is a frontal assault on my sensibilities." Too many people stay on the lookout for "got you" moments that present an opportunity to vent anger and register scorn. Extreme political correctness has bulldozed any efforts at a basic human understanding of intent. There seems to be little room for an honest mistake.

There are grave consequences for a judgment-laden culture, especially in the business world. It is a risk-averse world that jettisons innovation and growth to the sidelines. The more energy is devoted to protecting and defending, the less there is for exploring and learning. In the end, self-righteousness trumps effectiveness; intolerance eclipses acknowledgement. And courageous compassion becomes too rarely invoked. This is the time to rekindle the power of forgiveness. Here are three ways to use forgiveness to reclaim an atmosphere of patience and kindness.

1. Forgive the Person in the Mirror

Archbishop Desmond Tutu frequently speaks of the power of forgiveness. "Forgiveness is like this: a room can be dark because you have closed the windows, you've closed the curtains. But the sun is shining outside, and the air is fresh outside. In order to get that fresh air, you have to get up and open the window and draw the curtains apart." Frozen movie character Elsa's hit song "Let It Go" is about self-forgiveness. The lyrics plead, "It's time to see what I can do; to test the limits and breakthrough."

Forgiveness starts with self. "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got," wrote author Robert Brault in his book Round Up the Usual Subjects. In the words of actor Matthew Jeffers, "The only disability in life is a bad attitude." A self-forgiving attitude starts with the recognition that humans are all amazing miracles. An infectious, self-forgiving attitude changes the universe around us. "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you," wrote theologian Lewis Smedes.

2. Be the Rising Tide

I served for several years on the faculty of Marriott's Executive Education Programa week-long residential learning experience held quarterly for high potential general managers. One class was held right after Marriott had acquired hotel properties from Whitbread Hotels, a U.K. hospitality company. The cultural personalities of Whitbread and Marriott could not have been more different. That reality surfaced loudly during an animated discussion in a morning class. The Whitbread general manager aimed a sarcastic, biting tease point-blank at a Marriott GM. The entire class went silent for an uncomfortably long time. You could tell the Whitbread GM was confused at the reaction to his comment, one wholly appropriate in the more acerbic British culture in which he lived and worked.

Three Marriott GMs pulled the Whitbread GM aside at the first break. I could overhear bits and pieces of their assertive conversation. The bottom-line message was clearwe do not speak to one another in a judgmental, ruthless, or sarcastic way. The Marriott culture is laced with an allegiance to thoughtfulness, compassion, and authenticity. Gamey conduct and one-upmanship are as unwelcome as trash in a hotel lobby.

3. Read External Anger as Internal Fear

Imagine you are a parent with a young child who awakens in the middle of the night frightened by a bad dream. The upset child comes into your bedroom. What would you do? The answer is easyyou would model bravery and confidence; you would carefully listen without judgment; and you would offer great empathy and understanding as you sought to calm and encourage. The principles used to deal with a frightened child are the same for all relationships when belligerent confrontation, sharp differences, and uproar are involved.

Occupy Wall Street protesters on May 1, 2012 (Photo by Monika Graff/Getty Images)

Anger is not a primary behavior; it is a secondary behavior. The primary behavior is fear. What we see on the outside might be fury, but what is going on in the mind of the angry person is a fear of being a victim. Victim could mean "I will look stupid," "I will lose control," or "You will win, and I will lose." Meeting anger with acceptance (forgiveness), humility and empathy invite your assailant out of their anger to greater understanding, resolution, and a wholesome relationship.

When a tiny airline, Stevens Air, discovered in 1990 that much larger Southwest Airlines was using its advertising tag line, "Plane Smart," they resorted to levity instead of litigation. The CEO of Stevens Air challenged the CEO of Southwest to an arm-wrestling contest to decide who would keep the clever tagline. No lawyers were involved. The fun-filled event in a rented wrestling arena turned into a major media hype for both companies, complete with cheerleading teams, bands, fanfare, and a physical contest that drug out the competition for a long time. And the result? Stevens Air won the match, kept the slogan, and experienced a 25% growth over the next four years.

Forgiveness begins with raising hands instead of pointing fingers. It means stepping out of your comfort zone to stand up for compassion and empathy. Start your forgiveness plan by sharing with colleagues your intent to forgive more and blame less. When you are about to censure or chastise, stop and consider there might be an alternative view worthy of your respect. Redirect your negative energy toward acceptance. When your resentment or bitterness wins out, regroup, redirect, and reaffirm your commitment to betterment. Life and work will become lighter, relationships stronger, and understanding deeper.

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Reviving The Lost Art of Forgiveness - Forbes