The Psychology Behind Toxic Attractions – The Good Men Project

From error to error, one discovers the entire truth. Sigmund Freud

Youre attractive, loyal, honest, hardworking andwell, boring. I mean, lets face it: when youve got your life together, some potential partners will see you as rigid and boring because its monotonous. When our partner is too together, we can set our watch by their predictability. Up by 6 a.m. Home by 6 p.m. Check-in text by 1 p.m. Asleep by 9:30 p.m. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Synchronize Swatches

Is this a bad thing? Nope. Its a boring thing.

When youre seen as stable and predictable, boring always seems to hitch a ride. Maybe nice guys really do finish last. Or, maybe its true what they say about good women being attracted to the bad-for-you kind of guy.

Certain personality traits give off that moody, tragic or misguided vibe mixed with a dash of humor and impulsivity and we find it irresistible. And, if were being honest here, it can be addicting.

Maybe were attracted to danger because weve been binge-watching horror flicks since we were ten years old, so its seen as familiar. Maybe were intrigued by the rebel without a causeor without a clue. Or, maybe weve become numb to overlooking their cover-ups because theyre quick wit, good looks or adventurous side momentarily distract us from their flaws.

If unstable if so toxic, then why are we so attracted to it?

Even existing research purports certain personality traits (incentive-seeking, manipulative, narcissistic, selfish, disloyal) as having a negative impact on every significant domain in our personal livesfrom our academic achievements, to intimate relationships, to addictive behaviors. Similarly, research supports that those with higher proportions of these traits have upwards of 53% more partners, including increased incidences of emotional unavailability, infidelity and other unstable patterns. Yikes.

By now, youve probably heard the red flags of attracting or being attracted to toxic relationships: youre trying to fix them. You want to be saved. Youre the eternal optimist and want to see the good in people. Youre not looking for a serious thing. Or, you love a challenge.

People who need a hand up usually arent toxic. People who are looking for a hand outmaybe.

The thing is, we cant always tell someones motives right off the bat. They may play the hero card really well, or they may play the good guy/gal role flawlessly. They may come off as adorably clueless where we want to protect them, or care for them.

Its only when we start going with our gut instincts that we can begin noticing if something is off. Many times, our intuition is in effect before the red flags start waving. We feel deja vu hitting us like a Mack truck, and the been here, done this before feeling starts to consume us.

Do we listen to our intuition? Usually, no. At least not immediately. Worst case scenario is that we become so out of touch with our intuition, that we start second-guessing it. We deny it. We call bullshit on it. We chalk it up to chance. We convince ourselves we werent even attracted to that person, anyway.

Then..its off to the races with our next Great Mistake while none the wiser.

Enterthe cycle.

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Most of us have a type that were naturally drawn to. It may be physical looks, wit or intelligence, or (enter your type here). Part of our type will usually include the pattern and cycle itself.

Our job is to look closer and to begin noticing the cycles and patterns.

For example, even if our S.O.s look physically different from one relationship to the next, we need to look for the subtleties.

Do they share similar personality traits? Is there a pattern of emotional unavailability?

Do our relationships tend to start out the same? Or end the same?

How many exes have we blocked or gone No Contact with? How many old social media profiles have we deleted with each failed relationship and then started new ones?

How many times did infidelity play a role?

Or boredom? Or devaluation?

you get the gist of it.

Youre Replaying Patterns From Your Past. Calling Dr.Freud Believe it or not, our childhood conditioning and earliest experiences plant the seed for how we engage in the world, how we see ourselves, and how we view our relationships.

What was experienced in childhood becomes the foundation for our lived adult experiences.

For example, pay attention to how your caregivers acted or treated you growing up. Was your mother only concerned about her own feelings? Was she chasing one relationship after another, or seemed to get depressed or violent if she was not in a relationship? Was an older brother or your dad emotionally dismissive of your needs or shamed you for having needs? What messages were you learning, whether intentionally taught or vicariously learned?

Most of us would probably agree that if toxic was being served as normal in childhood, that it would be the furthest thing from our mind in our adult relationships. Yet, here is where patterns of behavior cycles are taught, learnedand mastered.

Even if we consciously believe we would never get tangled up with what could bring us misery, unconsciously things often play out differently. Toxic situations will feel comfortable, because theyre familiar.

For example, if we were silenced in childhood, we may hold beliefs in adulthood that we arent worthy of being heard or that we hold no value. If our emotional needs went invalidated early in life, we may become emotionally distant or walk out of our adult relationships when feeling engulfed or vulnerable. We may shut down or push away. We may become angry or volatile when feeling emotionally threatened.

All signs of early trauma.

All signs of patterns repeating.

Childhood conditioning always affects our adult relationships in one form, or another.

From Childhood to Adult Relationships. On the flipside is to begin noticing how patterns play out from one partner to the next. This may not be as a-ha! at first glance because our defenses may immediately kick into gear where we deny that our relationship history has been unhealthy, that we played a role in it, or that our S.O.s have shared similar traits. After all, this can be like a sucker-punch to our Ego.

For example, if we had a caregiver in childhood who was never around, we may unconsciously attract partners who replay this toxic narrative. We may find ourselves with partners who ignore us or who are unable to give us our emotional needs, or who abandon the relationship altogether, thus triggering our past pain into present circumstance.

There is a valid reason this happens.

When weve experienced a traumatic situation (or situations) in our childhood, they will often play out in our adult relationships as reminders of what still needs tending to and healing. The more these patterns replay, the more of a call to action it becomes to take stock of our relationship choices, our habits and our partners influence.

The bottomline is if emotional pain was familiar in childhood, it becomes comfortable in adulthood.

This identifies the cycle.

Its the familiarity of the known which is seen as safe even if whats familiar is toxic to our growth and our happiness.

First, if youre starting to connect the dots, congratulate yourself. This is an epic step into self-empowerment. Yes, we become unconscious creatures of habit for good or bad.

But, once weve moved the unconscious into conscious awareness, we cant unsee the patterns.

And, thats actually a good thing.

If youre wanting positive change, acceptance becomes your best friend. Accept the patterns. Accept your role in them. Accept that maybe your childhood didnt offer you the healthiest of lifes lessons which have been carried with you into adulthood. Accept that if youre in a toxic situation, then you may be blamed for the other persons feelings, or their behavior. Accept that you cant change them, or their choices.

And, accept that youre responsible for youyour growth, and your happiness.

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References

Gangestad, S. W., & Scheyd, G. J. (2005). The evolution of human physical attractiveness. Annual Review of Anthropology,34, 523548.

Gutirrez, F., et al.(2013). Fitness costs and benefits of personality disorder traits. Evolution and Human Behavior, 34(1), 4148.

Skodol, A. E., et al. (2007). Personality disorder and impaired functioning from adolescence to adulthood. The British Journal of Psychiatry,190, 415420.

This post was previously published on Medium.

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The Psychology Behind Toxic Attractions - The Good Men Project