Category Archives: Childfree

Eleanor Conway: Talk Dirty To Me

Laughing Horse @ The Walrus (Raised Room)

on Fri 06 May 2022 21:30

This was a blast!

Comedian Eleanor Conway hadnt dented my consciousness as a performer before last night but I am very glad she has now. This, her first nights performance in Brighton was an all singing, all dancing, explorative work in progress; unpicking womens lives , sex, lust, choosing to be childfree and the delights (or not) of online dating.

Eleanor Conway is an award winning comedian and her shows cover issues including does sex, addiction (shes been clear of drink and drugs for eight years now) and dating.

Conway is a comedy dynamo. I and the audience were with her and laughing from the beginning of the show, through to the end. Whilst this is a preview show for Edinburgh Festival and a work in progress, it already felt like the themes of the show were clear and drily lined out with a hearty does of black humour. This ultimately, just needs a wee bit of polishing to buff them into a final show.

Picking over the nightmare that is Tinder Gold, she explores dating for heterosexual women in the 21st century, men who advertise themselves as No more drama. Moving on to the pitfalls of dating men with kids, and the accompanying coterie of resentful stepchildren, whilst also trying out little vignettes from her own life and new parts of her show.

Exploring the sometime in the future thinking of men who may want kids some day, despite the fact that they are currently in their 50s, was pretty apt from my own online dating travails. She looked at the cruel joke of motherhood, and the epic nature of project managing that entails, but with a new spin on it in a feminist, and funny way.

Leading with a very funny comedy strand around a short term boyfriends smelly willy (she used other words!), which both men and women in the audience loudly cackled at, she then mused on legacy sperm trapped in used condoms in bins just waiting for single women of a certain age to run off with the raw material. Shes angry with the patriarchy, but theres a lot of amusing material to be had within that.

There were lots of sex based gags and the audience lapped them up riotously. I loved how she could switch from filthily witty asides to more comprehensive comments on women, feminism and the sexual act. Im aware that wont go on a flyer, but it was very skilfully achieved, and to big belly laughs from us all.

Selling out 3 tours worldwide with her shows Walk of Shame 1 & 2 and You May Recognise Me From Tinder, this show was very funny indeed and I laughed uproariously throughout.

Go and see it, shes in town all month and I would happily watch this all over again!

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Brighton and Hove News Eleanor Conway: Talk Dirty To Me - Brighton and Hove News

More and more often do we hear about childfree people who opt for life without kids for various different reasons. And while the societal pressure to have babies is still going strong, women have been more vocal about their life choices.

What we dont hear that often is the other side of motherhood that challenges the accepted maternal response. But this is changing too, with more women than ever willing to open up about not being satisfied with motherhood in a way society expects them to. This doesn't mean its easyfar from that. Women who dare to challenge this explosive taboo and express their regrets are often called selfish, whining, and even bad moms.

Mothers who regret having children, what made you realize it? And how are you coping? someone recently asked a daring question on the Ask Women subreddit. It clearly hit a nerve for many women, who saw it as an opportunity to share their complex, yet very valid feelings about being a mom. The thread gives a much-needed perspective from women who question this decision thats too often taken for granted in our society.

I love my daughter (7). She is the most precious thing in my life.

But in recent years I have started to regret having a child. Not because of her. She is the most easy going sweet little girl you could ever meet.

Actually I regret having children because of whats going on in the world. I feel a SEVERE feeling of doom and anxiety when I think about her future. She will probably never be able to afford a house, will struggle with debt, climate change, scarce resources, growing inequality. I am truly terrified and I feel sooo sooo guilty. If I was childless today I would 100% for sure not have any child now. Despite loving being a mother, the growing despair I see everyday and knowledge things will only get worse on the next 30 years make me regret having children. I love her with all my heart, and I am sad this is the future she will have. I am sad I placed her in this situation. I know many many of my friends with children feel the same.

In terms of coping I try and do my bit, to make society better for her generation, but I know it wont be. I try and prepare her, support her by saving as much as I can for her (less than 30 GBP per month but ok, its all I can afford) to help her in future. To teach her about fairness and self reliance. But its a major stress in the back of my mind.

Acceptable_Fan_9066 , Juan Encalada Report

Im not a good mother. I care about them but I dont know how to raise them. They are raising themselves with me trying beside them. Generational trauma, insane pedofile bio dad/ex husband. I was too young and groomed.I traumatized my kids by my ignorance and I can keep trying to learn and grow. And help them. But damage is done. And I wish I could go back and fix me so I could help them but I cant. I will alway support them and when they want to yell at me in 10 years for everything and shut me out. I will get it. Because yeah. F**k man. Ill keep trying and Ive had them in therapy. And Im in therapy and Im learning. But yeah. I was to young and didnt know enough. I chose their sperm contributions badly.

j32571p7 , Mehrpouya H Report

I have two kids, well, now, they're legally adults but mentally they are still 2 years old. They are autistic, developmentally delayed, and have mental disorders to boot. I have gotten zero help from the state, trying to navigate this world is a nightmare. It doesn't help that the whole world is severely under prepared for an aging population, much less an aging disabled population. I regretted having them the second I found out that they wouldn't be able to care for themselves. I'm so scared for the day that I will have to put them in a home of some sort, because the likelihood of being sexually abused goes up 7x. They won't understand why they can't be at home much less what is happening to them. If I could go back in time I would've never had kids. None of us have any sort of life or friends. We just stay home everyday, each of us absorbed in the internet until we pass out and the next day starts again. It's horrible.

culps001 , Baptista Ime James Report

Bored Panda reached out to Corinne Maier, a French psychoanalyst, award-winning writer and the best-selling author of multiple books including her two famous ones that encouraged readers not to have children (No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children) and to unobtrusively slack off at their corporate job (Hello Laziness).

I think many women regret having children. Not all the time but at least from time to time, Maier told us. It used to be my case. Now my children are grown-ups, what a relief! The author added that for years I had been looking forward to the moment they would leave the family house and be independent.

What made me regret it? Finding out that everything our society tells women about pregnancy, childbirth and the challenges of raising kids is either an outright lie or totally glossed over so as not to discourage women from having children.

I was shocked to find out how many people were also knowingly complicit: doctors, nurses, older women around me, obviously religious people and men. "Sshh, don't tell them, they might change their mind." Every step of the way has been/is difficult or had/has some heavy challenge associated with it. There are no full disclosures to potential parents, even though the same parents experience of it (and ability to adapt and cope) will directly affect the child.

When I reached out to others for advice, the typical response was "Welcome to my world." What?! Really? You say you love me, but didn't actually warn me how much damage my body and life would take? "Oh, that's normal." Really? I've never seen that discussed honestly and in-depth in any documentary, informational video, or any woman's magazine. At most there is one tiny story, surrounded by lots of messages about how great it will be. This pisses me off to no end.

So, if I could go back, I would not do it. And this is coming from a mom of wonderful child. A child whom I ***have*** warned: "Having a child might ruin your lfe. Don't do it!"

AkuLives , freestocks Report

My mental health, all my coping energy is spent on kids so my mh takes a back burner. I'm in therapy but I had them before I found out my struggles are asd/adhd related and will be lifelong. I still work every day to try to make life easier, but 1 one my boys is nonverbal autistic and one I'm sure has asd but on a similar level to me so it's harder than I ever pictured motherhood

Sad-Teacher-1170 , Ashley Byrd Report

I thought my kids would save my life. You hear those stories where your kids give you a reason to love. I love them whole heartedly and they are incredible. But I still wake up every morning wishing I didnt wake up. No amount of therapy or medicine has ever changed my desire to no longer exist

dinahsaur523 , Zoe Report

Maier recounted: I had to push out of them who did not want to go away and I know all the tricks to get rid of big kids, I have written a book about that. The author also said that women pay a big price for raising children as far as money, career or freedom are concerned. Lets not forget that they still do 70% of the housework.

As much as I dont like admitting this, I regret having my second child (shes currently 9 months). I love her little face and she can be the cutest, but I was free (my oldest is 15). I got to the point where I didnt have to do much. My teen is independent and we were slowly transitioning to a friends(ish) type of relationship. Now, Im starting back at the beginning and Im all alone again, because my partner works so much. Theres not a day that goes by where I dont say I hate my life at least once. The really sucky part is Im about to go back to work, so on top of being the primary caregiver/homemaker, Im going to work 40 hours a week. Im 42 so Ill be in my 50s before this one is truly independent. Im trapped and theres nothing I can do but grin and bear it, and hope I dont have a nervous breakdown.

simply_c Report

I was a mother of three. The things that are often mentioned about lack of sleep, autonomy, money etc. are all valid. And they last much, much longer than you expect and they can drive you to near suicide at times. Especially when the second comes along and you're still not getting nearly enough sleep but now you have two on completely different schedules. But they do end, eventually.

But, and this is a big but, my biggest regret is my youngest, because she died at age 6. She had a brain tumour which made her blind and adversely affected her behaviour and she consumed my time and energy completely. Her loss nearly destroyed our family. I would not know the pain that I still feel if she had not been born, and I would not experience the guilt of feeling that things, on a practical level anyway, are now easier without her.

rollouttheredcarpet Report

I really do sometimes enjoy my son.

But, having him has tied me to an abuser for the next 14.5 years. He still gets to abuse me.

And sometimes I just need quiet time that I cant get.

I cant move. I have a relationship thats long distance and I want to move in with him. I want to leave my state regardless.

But since I have this kid - I cant.

Coping? Im ignoring the problem and hoping I dont come to resent my son.

zuklei , Many Wonderful Artists Report

Moreover, Maier argues that society is very severe towards women who say they regret having children. It is not something that is accepted. So nobody dares to say it. A lot of women even reject the thought - it is a shame not to be soooo happy all the time with your child.

Women are supposed to be delighted to give birth and take care of a small child, even if it is very boring, especially for educated and emancipated women who are used to doing interesting things in their lives (friends, culture, meaningful work...), the psychoanalyst explained.

I love my son, who is 4 next month. I love him so very much.

But I regret having him because I like sleep too much, and days like today where he wakes up at 4am and then doesn't sleep again until 8pm because he doesn't nap anymore... Days when all he does is scream and cry at me. He gets his impatience from me, his anger from me, his sensitivity from me, his attitude from me... He's a perfect reflection of myself and I HATE it. I had a confusing childhood when I was growing up, and it's mentally scarred me so badly that the only way I "remember' my childhood is from my mum telling me her memories of it.

Of course, he makes me laugh too! Children are the funniest people on the planet. He gives nice cuddles, he's sweet when he's not screaming, he's kind, he shares well, he kisses me on the cheek, comforts me when I'm sad...

But I regret having him because I am not going to be the mother he deserves, ever. I'm on anti-depressants but no amount of therapy can actually help me. I feel lost.

TeganNotSoVegan , Bruno Nascimento Report

When my daughter turned 17 and stopped speaking to me I regretted putting her first her entire life. I think if I was wealthy shed pretend to care about me now (shes early 20s). But Im not, so Im worthless to her. I derailed my entire life for her. Her dad wanted to abort her and I made her entire life possible. And I thought I made it as good as I could. But whatever it was she needed was not something I could give, which isnt her fault but her behavior now is. I dont feel like I even got a chance with her.

I cope by thinking about her in the past tense, making peace with her being gone. Whoever she is now is a stranger to me. I havent seen her in years.

Its not a good feeling. I have a step kid who still visits and my son loves me so I guess thats a lot more than most people get and I value them so much. I try to focus on them.

spandexcatsuit , Eric Ward Report

I odd in that I have grandchildren without ever having had children. I married a woman with two grown children (17 & 21) and now I'm a grandfather of 3 granddaughters.

Witnessing what I have as a grandfather has made my decision to have a vasectomy at 27 the single best one of my entire life. I am waaaaay to selfish with my time and money, and it would have totally ruined my marriage to have kids of our own.

dramboxf Report

I didn't realize that a maternal instinct is not universal. You know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy? I felt nothing. Honestly, I could have left them at the hospital and it wouldn't have bothered me. I usually have no desire to spend time with them at all. I love them and have a strong sense of duty I just don't enjoy them or want to do any of the things they do. However I spent their whole lives going out of my way to care for them in every way a good mother should. My boys are well cared for and I am always here for them, but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable. It is a bit like a retail job you don't like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can. I don't get to leave this job, though. The worst is how I'm demonized for it. I've done eveverything I can for them for 16 years including all the extra curriculars (kids baseball is agonizing to fake enjoy I swear) and it has never been easy. Shouldn't I get more credit than those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids? That doesn't sound hard to me. Nope..I fail because I want my own life.

Alien_Nicole Report

I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses. It's even harder when you're a strong introvert. It's driven me into on again/off again depression. I've been on medication since our first one was born. The 2nd one was a stupid mistake (plan B also didn't work). I've since got a vasectomy, although I should've gotten one after the 1st was born. Stuck with an infant and a toddler now. I'm also a father who stays at home, so that comes with its own societal bullshit. I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like "It's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping." Go f**k yourself.

level 1 [deleted] Report

I regret being part of generational trauma where the hurts hang ups and hangups of one generation damage the next generation. I was damaged by my parents. I was not able to talk it out with my parents and feel forgiveness for them and move on. My hurts hang ups and habits caused me to pick a troubled husband with infertility issues. We had children after many trials and much expense and divorced when they were of age. . One grown child has several mental health issues, does not work, and is hard to talk to. I love that child deeply. The other grown child has detached from me and the other family members.i love that child so much. As a divorced woman I realized my regrets especially on holidays. My ex and I worked so hard and sacrificed so much so the kids could have love and braces and education, activities, health care and trips and all of it, but now I spend holidays alone. The kids don't seem happy. They don't want to get together with me. No one says I love you to me. No hugs or feelings like it was all worth it.

SmoothieForlife , Abbie Bernet Report

Because kids aren't the life completer we believe they are. Actually they take away from your quality of life daily. My kids are 13 and 11 and they STILL mess up my daily life. Worst of all is I love them so much I couldn't do without them even though they disturb my peace all the time. I do not reccomend having children. Maybe one but not necessary. We perpetuate the species needlessly.

Uniqueusername121 Report

All you need is a special needs kid to think something along the lines of "I wouldn't want him to die or anything, but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently."

meoka2368 , Kelli McClintock Report

I have a preschooler.

Things I dont like: cant go anywhere alone. Cant have quiet time to myself unless theyre sleeping. Always being touched. Always being asked to do things that they cant do on their own. Having to do daily care tasks for them like bathing & making meals. Always worried theyre going to do something bad when Im not looking & get hurt. Not being able to move because I dont have family or friends to help. I only have their dad & his family.

Things I do like: their laugh. Cuddles at bed time. Experiencing their imagination. Sharing funny things together. Hearing about their day. Hugs. Teaching them how to be a good person. Imagining how theyll be as they get older.

I regret having a kid and I realized it once I became single and had to do these things on my own. I couldnt leave them with the dad anymore. Im just waiting it out and hoping it gets better once theyre able to be home alone for a couple hours.

Longjumping-Ask-2122 , Kelly Sikkema Report

I regret having my son more than I dont. I love him. I want to not regret having him. However, I have anxiety, depression and ADHD. I cannot multitask, I dont deal well with loud noises or lots of different noises at once, Ive always struggled if I get less than 8 hours sleep, and I constantly second guess my decisions as a parent. Im an exclusively single mother, so no back-up/second parent. Im exhausted most days.

So how I cope- Im in therapy weekly, I try to raise my son to be independent (instead of always reliant on me), I tell my son when I need quiet time and I try to take it maybe an hour a day on weekends. I have a babysitter come once a week so i have a night to myself. (Im an introvert so I dont need to always go out with others, but need time to myself.) My therapist mentioned focusing on little positive things. I struggle to understand the phrase children are a blessing so my therapist works with me on finding little moments that are positive and celebrating those instead of focusing on the overarching big negative things. I also try not to worry about the future (mine, my sons, how he will do in life) because focusing on this isnt helpful. It isnt perfect and every day is still hard, but I think Im moving towards a happier place.

ETA: its probably also relevant that my work profession has one of the highest suicide rates and is also very mentally draining. I love what I do and feel that I am good at it, but it is grueling.

DogDrJones , Vladislav Muslakov Report

I wasn't ready to stop being selfish. I'm only two years in so it's still the intense stage, but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting. I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me, definitely killed any semblance of spontaneity in my life.

camelican , Kinga Cichewicz Report

Honestly, I'm not a good mother. I'm not as abusive as my own, but I still didn't have the tools and knowledge needed to be a good parent. I was 16, and though I tried, I simply fell very short and became an alcoholic. My kids have dealt with a lot from me the past 3-4 years so I'm just trying to give them thier space and live their lives, while I continue to struggle with mine. I love them, they are incredible human beings, but if I'd been older maybe I'd have done better. I can't remove the trauma I've inflicted on them, but hopefully I can stop making it. I fear so much them having their own (all cis daughter's, as far as I know.) Will I also be a disappointment as a grandmother? Will they let me in my grandchildren's lives? Do I want to be? As well as the anxiety I have as a millennial? Is it even wise for them to have children? Wait do they thank that and then wont? Will there even be a future for them? My girls have all made it to "adulthood" without becoming pregnant, and I'm morbidly proud of that. First generation non teen moms. Sorry this question triggered me a bit, I miss them on this holiday, and I've been drinking. But that's the truth, I regret so much, but not their existence.

Edit, cause...

throwglu , Louis Hansel Report

Two friends of mine had a kid together. This is exactly what they told me. Nothing spontanious happens anymore, everything has to be planned and as a result of that, they are never invited to anything anymore, because they cant come anyway. Now that I type this I realise I am having a BBQ with my (other) friends tonight and didnt even bother to invite them (out of politness) because I know they cant make it anyway

Alwin_ , Vincent Keiman Report

I had a miscarriage after an accidental pregnancy at 16 and was so depressed for a year, me and my boyfriend (at the time, now husband) decided to try for another one. I am still thinking wtf was I thinking!? I love love love my son (now 5) and my daughter whos turning 2 in the summer but oh my god I should have waited. I missed out on a lot and my teenage brain thought it would be easy or something. In the back of my mind I knew it would be hard but I thought it couldnt be that hard. I also struggle with many mental health issues which do not help; anxiety, depression, ptsd, add, autism and so it is a struggle!! Especially with very active kids I would love to just sleep all day again like the summer when I was 15, it was probably the last time I was mostly mentally ok and felt free. I still dream about it a lot, I think it may be an escape from the stress and guilt of having my babies before I was ready to be a mama. I still try my hardest to give them a better childhood than I had though. Also I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant with my first after my second I am now 201 and its so uncomfortable and makes me not want to leave my house. Ive always been able to lose weight quick but something about my second pregnancy made my body stop losing weight. I still do everything I did before she was born and it feels impossible. There should be better sex Ed in America.

cshl00 , Fa Barboza Report

Destroyed marriage via:

Forget passionate love make (it becomes a chore) when kids start walking

The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely

The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either

Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...

Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).

That's for the marriage bit.

Then there's work/life balance which goes out the f**king door. The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED with home/kids problems. Have that for years...

I love my kids, I'd STILL have them, but there are sacrifices people are not prepared for. I've seen marriages destroyed, homes destroyed, I've seen mental breakdowns, drugs usage, etc...

ethics , Charlie Foster Report

I love my daughter so much.

But I'm not a good mother. I have so many of my own problems -- fibromyalgia, C-PTSD, can barely work, no degree and certainly no real career -- and she has so many of her own -- ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder, and probably autism too -- that raising her is so very difficult. I'm at my wit's end just trying to do baseline stuff, like work and clean the house and cook, and then add on all of our appointments and the fact that just talking to her can be an ordeal, never mind parenting her.

I have no idea how I can raise her to be a functioning adult, and let alone survive raising her. This week itself has already been a nightmare, an utter, utter nightmare. My depression and anxiety have gotten severe again, so much that my s*icid*l ideation is back (I was discharged from therapy in 2020 because I was coping so well, and now I'm not again).

That's not even counting the fact that it's a terrible time in history to have kids. I don't even know what her world is going to look like when she graduates from high school in ten years.

I love kids and babies, and I wanted a big family. I'm dying on the inside that my brother is having a baby with his wife and I shouldn't/won't/can't have one with my fiance (not my daughter's bio dad, which was an abusive POS). I'm grieving over what life has taken from me in so many ways, and I'm just struggling to survive at this point.

*sighs*

Adventureous , Tanaphong Toochinda Report

My daughter was born mentally disabled. I alway tell myself it could be worse, that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs... thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone. She will be institutialized and abused probably.

Habanero10 , Susana Coutinho Report

I am struggling with constant anxiety and stress from work spilling over into my few hours at home and making us all miserable. My boys are at the age where they are ruining EVERYTHING in the house I rent. Its going to cost me thousands to repair it before we move. We dont struggle for money, but only because I work constantly. I put way to much responsibility on my oldest daughter despite having a full time nanny. I feel like Im losing control of everything, and a deep depression is setting in. Constantly fighting thoughts of just giving up.

WayTooWavyRider , Kostiantyn Li Report

They spend all your resources. Eat all your food. Loud as f**k all the time. Having a child costs a lot of money. You can't just do what you want anymore, you need permission from who ever is going to watch your child.

Read the rest here:

Mothers Explain Why They Regret Having Kids In 30 Honest Posts - Bored Panda

BERKLEY, Mich. (WXYZ) More women are saying no to motherhood than ever before. The most recent census numbers show nearly one in six Americans 55 and older are without children- additional research shows more than a 1/4 of Michigan adults are saying no to kids as a conscious choice.

Despite the growing demographic, child-free women say they constantly get stigmatized as selfish or as someone that hates kids and the judgment has impacted their healthcare.

For Berkley's Tara Heitz, this is the picture-perfect family: one loving husband, three rambunctious rescue dogs, and exactly zero children.

I didnt know it was possible growing up that you could choose not to have kids, said Tara Heitz.

Tara did play house as a little girl but never wanted to play mom.

I dont remember ever really wanting to hold babies, but I liked other kids, so I just figured Id grow out of it, said Heitz.

She never really did- and when she met her now-husband who felt the same, her dream family would finally begin to take shape.

WXYZs Ameera David asked, Did you face some pushback?

I faced pushback from the oddest places, said Heitz.

Shockingly from health professionals- one incident in 2012 when Tara sought out a doctor to address her thyroid disorder.

His response to me was, well, if you would stop trying to be such a career woman and stay home and have some babies you wouldnt feel like this, said Heitz.

When looking for birth control- another battle. Womens doctors she says refused to prescribe medications she wanted because of their potential impact on fertility.

I went through 3 or 4 OBGYNs before finding someone who would listen to me, said Heitz.

It sounds to me like you werent believed, how did that feel? asked David.

At all. Youre standing there, whos just met me telling me you know better than I do what I want with my life after a two min conversation, its infuriating, said Heitz.

I remember hearing about an IUD, so I went in to request it and they told me no, and said well why? Well because you haven't had children, said Kim Bode.

Kim Bode, child-free on the west side of the state spent her 30s facing the same stigma-driven headwinds.

I just think people fear what they dont understand, said Bode. Motherhood and being a female, apparently they have to go hand and hand.

But that strong link between womanhood and motherhood is withering - a 2021 MSU study shows one in four Michigan adults dont want kids.

I realized that not only were the numbers growing around the world but that there were other women in exactly the same place looking for someone to talk to, said Karen Malone Wright.

Karen Malone Wright is the founder of thenotmom.com, a supportive space where women without kids - by chance or choice- can tap into community. Shes long tracked the growing trend of childfree women.

The number one reason that people give when asked by surveyors is I just dont want to, said Malone Wright.

For Tara and Kim, career commitment was a driving factor- but so was the desire to contribute in other ways - through volunteerism, by being a rescue dog mom, with ten pups between them, and by staying engaged as an aunt to their siblings' kids.

I have nieces and nephews that I adore, by being best aunt, said Heitz.

Do you feel any less happy for choosing not to have kids? asked David.

Absolutely not. I love my life, I love my dogs, my husband is fantastic, said Bode.

I think my message would be you can live a full life without it. You can still have a family; it just might look a little different than other people's.

Follow this link:

More women are saying no to motherhood more than ever - WXYZ 7 Action News Detroit

The month is drawing to a close, so you know what that means a new Bored Panda collection of funny and relatable parenting tweets.

That's right, just like in March, February, January, and the years before 2022, we're continuing the no-filter series in an attempt to normalize every step of this highly demanding and equally rewarding journey.

After all, raising kids is more than dressing them up in nice clothes and taking the little rascals to play dates. There are the never-ending questions, the meltdowns, the wiping (faces, hands, butts, dribbles, snot, poo, vomit), and, of course, the unsolicited advice from the twenty-something childfree 'grownups'.

But moms and dads learn how to deal with all of this, and much, much more. They're often sleep-deprived, tired, and have little time for their personal lives, and yet, they preserve.

So let's take a moment to see what they go through and how they deal with everything. Continue scrolling and check out what parents had to say this April!

See original here:

It's Time For The Best Parenting Tweets Of The Month, And Here Are 35 That Might Crack You Up - Bored Panda

Theres a story below the fold (apocryphal or true, I dont know) that lives up to the old joke in the title. An unnamed employer in Chicago took an attitude towards employees that left much to be desired. The story has been making the rounds in Childfree circles, and a source of great mirth.

But there is an ounce of truth to it, whether the story is true or not: employers are more accomodating about scheduling and workload to people with children. Just because people do not have children does not mean they have free time and nothing to do, or that they dont have families. (NB: Saying this does not diminish, excuse, nor pretend that discrimination by employers doesnt exist, e.g. the glass ceiling and lack of advancement women are subjected to.)

Its an arrogant assumption that people without kids have unlimited free time. Childfree and childless people have just as much right to free time as those with kids. The pandemic has exacerbated this with the attitude that Childfree and childless people cant pass it on if they get sick and should work from the office, as if they have no contacts outside of work.

From CNBC:

Office smackdown: Parents vs. childless workers

In the career complaints category, few things can get people more worked up than the debate over who works harder, has it better or is given more preferential treatment: Workers with kids, or those without.

Parents will tell you that juggling work trips and presentations to the CEO with field trips and an unexpected vomiting episode is hard work, but they can make it work with a little co-worker understanding and a few nontraditional work hours.

But increasingly, some childless workers are countering with a similar lament: They say they deserve a life, too.

Workers without children often have been coveted by employers precisely because the assumption is that they have nothing better to do than to put in long hours, said Trina Jones, a professor at Duke University of Law whose research looks at whether efforts to produce family-friendly workplaces have had an adverse effect on single people without children.

In addition, some childless colleagues worry that theyll face backlash if they ask for flexibility to pursue something outside of work, such as a part-time schedule to train for a marathon or flexible days off so they can volunteer at a pet shelter.

What happens is the justifications are not viewed the same, and therefore the single persons commitment to the workplace is questioned, she said.

Another problem is that those with children are sometimes excused from work duties, and those without kids expected to take on a heavier share of the workload without extra pay. From Harvard Business Review:

How Managers Can Be Fair About Flexibility for Parents and Non-Parents Alike

Bias against parents and especially mothers has been well documented. We call it the Maternal Wall, and weve been studying it for years, researching how women who have always been successful at work sometimes find their competence questioned when they take maternity leave or ask for a flexible work schedule. We know now that this bias can affect fathers, too, when they seek even modest accommodations for caregiving. For example, a consultant in one study reported that he was harassed for taking two weeks of paternity leave but applauded for taking a three-week vacation to an exotic locale. Parents, studies consistently show, face extra scrutiny.

But while the data is clear that parents are more likely to face bias at work, sometimes we also hear about a different problem: that people without children find that their managers are more understanding of working parents need for flexibility, while expecting childless or unmarried staff to pick up the slack because they have no life. Indeed, research has found that women without children work the longest hours of any group.

[. . .]

If you have a work-from-home policy, it should be reason-neutral. Its generally not a good idea to have to judge different peoples reasons for working from home. This leads to uncomfortable territory: does sick baby trump dying grandparent? Instead, when people work from home, just have them say Im working from home. Dont make people explain why.

If employees are given unequal workloads, scheduling flexibility, time off, and pay is not reflected by the work done, then resentment and friction is inevitable. Childfree people are NOT anti-child or anti-parent. What we are is people with the same expectations as those with kids.

From BBC:

Do companies lean harder on non-parents?

Leo Ramirezs passion job is editing Grubby Cat, a cat-care website. But his main job is very different: coordinating inspections for a crane company in Florida, US. Its there that he sometimes feels frustrated as a 47-year-old employee without children.

Its a very family-oriented workplace, he explains, with frequent social events like employee picnics and parties. These are supposed to be fun occasions, but they can be dispiriting for him. My co-workers will make me feel guilted unintentionally I am sure into staying [at work] those days later than everyone else while everyone else has that excuse to be unable to make it in because they have families and kids to prepare with.

Ramirez reports that his colleagues say things like, come on Leo, you know if you had kids or anything we would let you take the extra time you needed. Yet when Ramirez and his lifelong best friend married earlier this year, his managers wouldnt let him leave two hours early for last-minute wedding prep on the Friday before the wedding.

Ramirez is sympathetic to parents needs: Me having to get my teeth worked on is never going to be as important as someones kid being hurt, I completely understand that. Hes even happy to work on holidays so that his colleagues with kids can have uninterrupted family time at Christmas and Thanksgiving, for instance. But it can rankle that I have been asked to pick up the supervisor on call responsibility for others on multiple weekends when it should have been their turn to do so.

On call for our need until you breed is not conducive to creating good morale.

The story goes, more than one Childfree employee of a company in Chicago gave notice simultaneously, one more after this went out. Illegal threats, passive aggressive language, threatening to underpay, demanding overtime Ill bet he still cant figure out why theyre leaving.

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The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves - Freethought Blogs

A stressed-out father of twins is turning to Reddit for parenting advice now that family life has overshadowed his once-perfect marriage.

I am writing this post to get some things off my chest, anonymously, to fellow strangers on the internet, he wrote on Reddits Am I The A**hole section. You may take it as a warning, you can give advice, or just laugh at me.

The dad explained that while he is committed to his children and takes parenthood seriously, I wish I could have told my younger self to not do it because I feel like I lost everything. My plans and dreams are gone, my life was reduced to supporting someone else.

He described a recognizable life for most parents: Constant feeding and diaper changes on no sleep. Day and night, nonstop, he wrote. Getting more than one hour of sleep between feedings felt like a victory. Eating and cleaning ourselves only by sacrificing even more sleep.

Now that their children are two and a half years old, life is easier although they still dont sleep through the night. Little kids are crazy, he noted. They have enough autonomy to fight you, to refuse things, to break things, but no reasoning at all. And there are two of them, if one sleeps, the other one doesnt. If one cooperates, the other one doesnt.

And there is a power imbalance within the extended family; his wifes parents live far away, while his are local. However, After the kids something changed, she hates them now, doesnt want any help from them, avoids visiting them as much as possible, he wrote of his wife. I can either upset my family by not visiting them or my wife by visiting them.

And the stress affects his job performance. I dont get enough sleep, I am constantly interrupted during work and honestly I am not really motivated anymore, he confessed. Sure, I could rent an office, or just close myself in a room with headphones on, but I cant leave my wife taking care of them alone it really isnt something one person can handle on their own long term.

But his wife refuses to hire childcare, and he claims that all she talks and thinks about is their children. I admire her for trying so hard, she wants the best for them, he wrote to a commenter. I just wish she would take it easier and found time for other things (including me).

Our sex life suffered a lot, he added, noting that his wife sleeps in the childrens bedroom. We rarely have time for it and when we do, it is rushed, there is always the threat of baby monitor going off and stopping us at any point. Sometimes I dont even feel it is worth the effort.

Watching other families on social media that appear to handle everything so easily is hard, he admits. But on the other hand, I think we appear the same way on the outside. Maybe it sucks for everyone, but nobody warns you.

His post struck a chord on Reddit, where concern was abundant. .I feel for you. I have friends who have twins and however explosive it is to add one newborn baby to the family, adding two at the same time is infinitely more explosive, someone wrote. I would urge you to try and not compare yourself to what you see on social media. I guarantee you its nothing but a highlight reel of the very sunniest and best moments, however fleeting.

The same person added, I mean this with all respect, but has your wife been evaluated for postpartum anxiety or depression? The disorder which men can suffer from too brings mood swings, anxiety, or sadness, reports the Mayo Clinic. Postpartum depression can surface after childbirth and canlast up to three years.

Other readers stated it was pretty odd and not normal that toddlers dont sleep through the night. According to experts at Stanford Childrens Health, most children start doing so around three months of age (or until they weigh about 13 pounds). Although toddlers, many of whom still need naps, can experience sleep disruption without healthy bedtime routines.

And the post confirmed the decision for some to avoid parenthood: Who doesnt love free birth control like this? and This reinforced my childfree status.

There is a lot we dont know about this family, but we wish them well in finding their rhythm as partners and as parents.

More:

This Dad Says Motherhood Has Changed His Wife for the Worse & Its Striking a Chord On Reddit - SheKnows

Jessie Gurunathan and partner, rugby star Adam Thomson. Photo / Supplied

Why does it upset some people to see an unmarried, childless woman in her late 30s? And why can't women without children openly admit it's easier hanging out with friends who also have no kids, asks entertainer and entrepreneur Jessie Gurunathan.

What started as some spontaneous late-night ramblings on my Instagram stories has brought me here, writing this piece all about my unconventionally happy life choices. So here goes.

My name is Jessie Gurunathan and I'm a proud 38-year old mixed-race woman of colour. I'm not married and I don't have children.

This is a big deal in my father's south Indian culture where arranged marriages still exist and the patriarchy is still very much alive and well.

For many traditional parents, being a good wife and mother is kind of what defines an Indian woman's identity and value.

Luckily for me, my father is a very liberal free thinker and even he bucked tradition when he met and fell in love with my Pkeh feminist mother when he was doing his overseas university degree. Their mixed-race love story and union was unconventional for many reasons in the '70s, so I guess I wasn't raised in a home that echoed society's traditional gender roles and expectations.

My partner Adam and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary last October. We've lived in four different countries and nine different cities and towns together. I've travelled extensively all over the world for work, with an ex, friends, family and in more recent years with Adam. I have to say though, some of my best overseas travel adventures have actually been when I've been flying solo, which also happens to be something I was often told I shouldn't be doing as a woman.

My career has been just as unconventional. A high school dropout due to a chronic illness and poor attendance, I've had to work twice as hard to prove myself. I've been a caregiver at a rest home, a bartender, a flight attendant, worked in TV (in front of and behind the camera), presented, acted, won a reality TV show, lent my voice to numerous TV and radio commercials, produced music videos, worked as a journalist for TVNZ, had a band, made a hit song, and I now work as a content creator and founder of a small business start-up.

My romantic life has definitely been full of a lot of fun, trial and error! I've had my heart broken (twice very publicly) and then at a time when I really liked being single and on my own, I met the person I'm still very much enjoying sharing my life with now.

I'm the eldest daughter, a big sister, an aunty, life partner, and friend. I think I happen to be pretty good at all these roles. As a woman though, society constantly reminds me that none of these seem to be as revered or as celebrated as the role of mother and wife.

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I met Adam at 28 and after only a year together we moved overseas to Japan, where he continued his career as a professional rugby player.

I was surrounded by other rugby players and their wives/partners who basically all had kids. I felt very out of place and alone a lot of the time. Everyone was so lovely and I was always made to feel welcome and included. However, the conversations would definitely revolve around their common threads and shared experiences. Breastfeeding, sleep routines, teething, the infamous terrible twos... then there was me, a musician covered in tats with pastel purple hair, doing my best to participate and fit in.

I have a good friend in the online influencer space, Danni Duncan, who talks a lot about being "happily childfree". She's quite a bit younger than me but already feels like the odd one out in her friendship circles for her choice to not have kids. I get what she means when she says she's craving friendships with other women like her. I get it because I was just like that at her age. I craved connection where I didn't have to explain myself and my reasons for not having kids yet, to be able to make spontaneous plans with a girlfriend last minute and have limitless time to explore and hang out. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my friendships with women who have babies and still manage to make time for me. I adore spending time with my friends' children, and often on a particularly melancholy day nothing lifts my spirits like quality time with a friend and their little ones. But when you hang out with someone who, like you, also doesn't have kids, things are different, dare I say it, they're easier.

I cannot tell you the number of times I've had my mum friends cancel on me last minute for plans we've made or have to bail mid hang because their child's hit a wall and needs to go home for nap time, or when you're talking to your mum friends and they're only half-listening because they have to multi-task and try to watch their kid like a hawk and make sure they don't get into mischief or hurt themselves.

I can't imagine how overwhelming and challenging it is for mums to juggle all of life's demands on top of still trying to maintain healthy friendships. I know my friends with kids gravitate towards other women who are mothers and I can't take that personally, it's not about me. It's about them needing a sense of connection and community. It's easier because there's a mutual unspoken level of understanding and empathy that only comes from fellow mums.

Why can't those of us without children freely and openly express that same sentiment and admit it's easier hanging out with mates who don't have kids without being made to feel mean or bad for it? Anyone who denies that this double standard exists is living on another planet.

Relationship dynamics definitely change when one friend becomes a parent and the other remains child-free. It can be hard for both parties involved to navigate this unchartered territory and find a new way forward. Sometimes friendships will drift apart, others become closer in this new chapter. It's incredibly nuanced and requires a level of sensitivity and compassion from both sides.

I think many times as women we're made to feel inadequate if we don't live up to the traditional concept of a "woman's role" within society. There are all these life boxes we are conditioned to grow up and check off by the time we reach a certain age.

Meet a man, fall in love, start a family. When you don't do these things in that order, I can tell you from personal experience that suddenly people (often complete strangers) feel entitled to offer their unsolicited opinions.

"When are you guys getting married?"

"Why haven't you had kids yet?"

"Better hurry up before it's too late!"

"Your life will feel complete when you've become a mother."

My god if I had a dollar for every time I have to listen to crap like this I'd be able to buy a Tesla! The part that irks me most is the fact that Adam is NEVER in the firing line facing intrusive questions like this. Why is that? Adam can live his life however he wants to, pursue dreams, have adventures, take his damn time and nobody questions him.

Is it fair? Heck no! But unfortunately, it's ingrained into the very fabric of our patriarchal society.

I've had strangers message me on Instagram to say "don't you feel a bit selfish for not giving Adam children yet?" Yup, let that sink in. In what universe is it okay to speak to another woman this way?

I was finally diagnosed with stage four endometriosis when I was 18. I've spent my entire teenage and adult life riddled with chronic pain. I've had four extensive laparoscopic surgeries and severe scar tissue damage.

My fertility has never not been an issue. As a result my relationship with my body; physically, spiritually and emotionally has been an incredibly painful and complicated one. Full of shame, self-loathing and feeling like a failure as a woman. I'm forever a work in progress and always unlearning, healing and forgiving myself for all the unkind things I've said and done to my body.

I'm in a new chapter of life now where my partner and I are on an intentional fertility journey. I haven't shared much of this aspect of my life with my online community, mostly out of respect for Adam who is the total opposite of me and an extremely private person. But also I feel extremely vulnerable.

I know that my complicated history means that the odds are stacked against us.

For many years I said I didn't want children and even though that was mostly true I think subconsciously it was my way of protecting myself from potential heartache and disappointment.

I don't know how this will end for us and for me but I do know I will be a mother, maybe not in the conventional biological sense but I will be a mum.

Do I believe my life isn't "complete" until I become a mother? Absolutely not!

My life is so full already. I've packed so much into my 38 laps around the sun and I have zero regrets. All the things I've been fortunate enough to have experienced, the love, the losses, the setbacks and the successes have been wonderful. I know my life choices and the unconventional path I've chosen to travel down isn't everyone's idea of success and happiness and that's perfectly alright.

What isn't alright though is that some people seem so bothered by the fact that my life choices don't match theirs they need to let me know how much they disapprove.

Why does it upset some of you so much to see an unmarried, childless woman in her late 30s minding her own business and thriving?

It is not my fault if you feel angry or upset that I've still managed to live a very full and rewarding life.

If you've read this far and you have loved ones who aren't married and don't have kids, do you celebrate them and their milestones the way they've celebrated your traditional milestones like weddings and babies?

It's absolutely not my intention to make anyone feel judged or inadequate. I just think that as someone who doesn't have kids, my perspective and lived experiences are just as valid even if society has tried to condition me to believe otherwise.

There doesn't need to be so much shame and awkwardness when it comes to talking about this sort of stuff. The stigma around women not being mothers is very real and the only way we can shift this is by having conversations that might feel a little uncomfortable at first.

But as a society, I think the more we are willing to listen to each other, I mean really listen and accept that there truly is no one right or wrong way to do life, the easier it's going to be for the next generation of women to feel empowered to make life choices that aren't about fulfilling anyone's expectations but their own.

Read this article:

Jessie Gurunathan: Stop asking me why I don't have kids - New Zealand Herald

CW: sexism/misogyny

People who choose not to have children are selfish, according to Pope Francis who must be something of an expert on the subject, having chosen not to have children himself.

Todaywe see a form of selfishness, the Pope told a general audience at the Vatican last week. We see that some people do not want to have a child. He specifically chastised couples who have pets but no children, something he claims diminishes us, and takes away our humanity.

This isnt the first time the Pope has scolded people who dont have children. In 2014, the pontiff warned that selfish childfree people would eventually succumb to the bitterness of loneliness.

Yet this rhetoric is nothing new for childfree people childfree women in particular, for whom normative gender roles create inextricable links between womanhood and motherhood.

Gender is not innate, but a culturally constructed class system in which the class of woman is fundamentally juxtaposed against and subjugated by the class of man. Central to this class system are conceptualisations of normative femininity, which are unquestionably bound to motherhood. Womens corporeal tie to children justifies an unequal and gendered division of labour and the naturalization of caregiving roles for women within the domestic sphere. Queer theorists also suggest that the social and political function of children is to regulate womens sexuality within a social order that mandates heteronormativity and procreation.

A 2018 study documented the negative perceptions and prejudice that childfree women face: they are overwhelmingly seen as selfish, dissatisfied, and cold. Childfree women have also elicited social reactions of disgust and moral outrage. The study cites research indicating that women without children face discriminatory outcomes in occupational and medical settings. Its common for physicians, for example, to deny a patient surgery on the assumption that a woman will change her mind about wanting children.

We dont have to look far to see these negative perceptions in action: former Australian prime minister Julia Gillard immediately comes to mind. Gillard endured years of sexism and misogyny for being a childfree woman in power. In 2007, former conservative senator Bill Heffernan described Gillard as unqualified for leadership because she was deliberately barren. In 2010, politician George Brandis maintained that Gillard was a one dimensional person who, because she had chosen not to have children, couldnt possibly understand former PM Tony Abbotts controversial argument that a womans virginity is a gift to give to her husband. Former Labor leader Mark Latham claimed that Gillard was wooden and lacked empathy because she had chosen not to have children.

Like Gillard, most childfree women are constantly expected to justify and explain themselves: to divulge their personal medical histories, to describe how the current economic climate is not conducive to child-rearing, to explain that childfree people tend to be happier than parents, to maintain that theyre not willing to become another maternal mortality statistic, to detail the gendered division of labour when not wanting children should itself be reason enough for not having them.

So perhaps, instead of scolding childfree couples, the Popes efforts would be better directed towards doing more for the secret children of not-so-celibate priests. Or towards re-examining the churchs own decidedly anti-family celibacy policies. Or towards having children of his own.

Image: Catholic Church England and Wales/ CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 via flickr

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Pope Francis comments on parenthood are nothing new for ...

The impending change in the federal abortion landscape with theDobbs v. Jackson Womens Health Organization case promises plenty of added legislative battles over abortion, including efforts to curtail theepidemic of chemical abortion.

Exposing abortion as lethal violence towards innocent people and abolishing it as such is the fight of our lifetime, and knowing exactly who (or what) that fight is against is mission-critical.

In the nearly five decades that unrestricted abortion has been legal in the United States, pro-abortion sloganeering has explored many avenues, sheltered safely in the realm of misdirection and ambiguity.To defend abortion honestly requires a fairly stark deviation from the standard moral compassthat requires we protect the weak and helpless.Hence, vague propaganda like reproductive rights, never again, no uterus, no opinion, and my body, my choice became mainstays over the years for Womens Marchers and angsty college students alike.

Butold sloganshave been increasingly joined by a new fellow: F-ck them kids.Signs with the crass messagewere spottedat Womens Marches nationwide in 2021, and again atcampus protestsagainst Students for Life of America President Kristan Hawkins during a speaking tour visit to the University of San Diego in the fall.

Its easy to write these off as a few rage-filled outliers. Buta recent Pew Research studysuggests this hateful new addition to the pro-choice mantra family is grounded in a depressing reality; childless Americans flat-out do not want kids. Like, ever.

Along with the rise of the term childfree (reducing the idea of children to burdens), Pew is finding that an unprecedented number of Americans dont plan to have children for no reason other than that they dontwantthem.The study, released in November 2021, found that a whopping44 percent of childless 18- to 49-year-olds said theyre not too or not at all likely to have children.

Of the childless, more than half (56 percent)said theyjust dont want kids.Another 74 percent of those who have kids said they dont plan to have more.

Other polling hones in further on specifics, withone outlet noting,3 in 5 childless millennials say kids are too expensive and they want to focus on their career. Mic.com tookan audience pollon why young people did not want children and received answers like, The physical changes my body would go through with the pain of birth is not appealing at all to me, With the way I want to live my life,kidswould get in the way, and I dont want kids because theyre a f-ckton of work.

A desire to remain childless doesnt exactly explain the bitter vitriol that staunch F-ck them kids abortion supporters seem to harbor towards children. Perhaps Pew ought to explore that dark enigma next. Nevertheless, the pro-life movement now faces the challenge that reasons for abortion seem to have shifted towards undisguised selfishness, laziness, careerism, and contempt for children, versusthe older datathat showed women were choosing abortion for reasons of circumstance, such as finances, relationship trouble, coercion, or health concerns.

IfRoev. Wade is indeed reversed this summer, the right to regulate abortion will be returned to each individual state.Nearly half of statesare projected to ban abortion, meaning the pro-life communities in those states will be busyoffering assistance to womenwho wouldve otherwise found themselves at Planned Parenthood. Now, on top of those not insignificant duties, pro-lifers are set with the task ofde-stigmatizing children.

When attempting to appeal to a population of self-interested young adults, perhaps the most compelling approach is indeed an appeal to self. Rabid abortion supporters, anti-natalists, and other child-averse groups may have their minds most effectively changed on the issue via data that conclude a positive outcome for parents.

A lot of research on parentsis very nuanced, with many studies on parental happiness presenting more than a few flaws (most notably, an inflated definition of happiness itself as the end-all, be-all of human existence).Writing forThe Atlantic, Paul Bloom squashes this horde of deficient parental happiness studies:

theres more to life than happiness. When I say that raising my sons is the best thing Ive ever done, Im not saying that they gave me pleasure in any simple day-to-day sense, and Im not saying that they were good for my marriage. Im talking about something deeper, having to do with satisfaction, purpose, and meaning. Its not just me. When you ask people about their lifes meaning and purpose, parents say that their lives have more meaning than those of nonparents. Astudy by the social psychologist Roy Baumeister and his colleaguesfound that the more time people spent taking care of children, the more meaningful they said their life waseven though they reported that their life was no happier.

America would benefit from more babies, and rejecting the furtherance of our species harms us all.The United States has been riding a downward spiral of population since before Covid, having seenrecord-low birth rateseach of the last five consecutive years. Right now, we restbelow the replacement rate.

Happiness, selfishness, and procreative aversion aside, the most pressing issue at hand is the rate at which Americans are killing offspring as opposed to not conceiving them at all.

Working mother Brenna Lewis is a staff writer with Students for Life of America.

See the rest here:

Fighting Abortion Now Requires Fighting Increasing Hatred Of Children - The Federalist

When making plans for a special event, there are all kinds of reasons for who will or will not be invited.

But not everyone may appreciate the invitation decisions that are made, pointed out the Am I the A**hole? (AITA) subReddit.

Redditor Throwaway_Reddeddit wasnt pleased with her sisters decision to have a child-free wedding.

But when she considered not attending the wedding because of it, the Original Poster (OP) realized it was hurting the brides feelings.

She asked the sub:

WIBTA (Would I Be the A**hole) if I just chose not to go to my sisters wedding?

The OP was expecting a wedding invitation from her sister.

My sister has a wedding coming up this summer. Its not a destination wedding, it will be in a local park/pavilion, and she just told us about it recently and told us to expect the invitations.

We knew it was a possibility, since I heard recently her boyfriend asked our dad about how he would feel if they got married (essentially asking for her hand in marriage, old-fashioned but I guess whatever).

But she didnt like what was included in the invitation when it arrived.

Well, when we received the invitations, it said this wedding will be childfree.'

Once I got my invitation, I called my sister up just to discuss the wedding and give her my response by phone.

I didnt mention the childfree part, just asked about the wedding and how her planning was going.

She seemed excited and told me she cant wait to be the center of attention on her special day.

I congratulated her, but I told her as its childfree and I have two sons, I wouldnt be able to make it. I would send a gift with our parents though.

The bride was surprised.

She kinda got upset and asked why I wasnt going to come.

I simply told her weddings are family events for me, and if its not a family event, I dont see the point (i.e. kids being allowed).

Our parents are the important people to be there for her special day, so I dont feel my presence as direly needed.

My sister was very unhappy about this, and she yelled that I never even tried to find babysitting or come to her wedding.

She got angry because last year I attended our cousins wedding, and she feels hers should be more important and one I should want to attend.

The OP didnt see an issue with this.

I pointed out their wedding wasnt childfree, my kids were there, they were very well-behaved, and it was definitely a family event.

I dont feel that I should shell out money to have someone watch my kids, just to watch her get married, and honestly I just dont want to.

I didnt mention her changing the rule, I just told her I wouldnt be attending.

She got angry and is now involving my husband and parents in my decision, saying if I choose not to come, she wont speak to me again (her hill to die on, not my problem).

My parents would like me to come just to keep the peace, and my husband says its really my decision and he backs me either way.

Personally, I dont feel like an a**hole because Im not asking her to change anything, Im just making a personal decision.

WIBTA for not attending?

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

Some said the OP was way too focused on including her children at every event.

YTA. Children do not have to be part of everything that happens. You are showing your sister how little you care for her. ollygollymolly

The If my children cant go, I wont go attitude rarely works out in the long run. This is how mothers end up losing their identity and being completely lost as their children grow up and become independent.

Its also how they end up lonely and lamenting on social media how nobody invites them anywhere. bakerowl

Shes the sister of the bride. She should make more of an effort to go than a regular guest.

It doesnt sound like she wants to, because her stance is basically I dont go where my children arent welcome.' emi_lgr

Her children wont remember one afternoon they were with a babysitter for a few hours, but her sister will ALWAYS remember that she willingly chose not to attend her wedding.

YTA. beloved_wolf

The kids probably dont even want to go. Even if she hyped them up for it, eventually they would be bored.

Since it is outdoors, at a park, the longing to run around and do what kids want to do would be torture. If she lets them, it will be disruptive, no matter how well-behaved they are.

OP seems to think that because it is at a park, the kids should go. I also find it fascinating that she has to put in a snide comment about the fianc asking her dad for her sisters hand. Why is it necessary to sneer?

Or even the venue? Or that they suspected the engagement was coming? It sounds like shes salty about everything and is making this the point of contention. HappyLucyD

That and all the sneering at the sister for being excited to be the center of attention on checks notes her wedding day. Like? Okay? Shes excited to have a big day celebrating her. Thats normal.

I was really excited on my wedding day, too, and I did sort of expect it to be more or less about me and my husband not random family members and their children.

I mean, I had kids at my wedding, but their parents all kept them super in check. I was actually the one periodically reassuring parents that the kids werent bothering me and winking conspiratorially to the kids and involving them a bit more, because their parents were so, so careful not to let them run the show to the point of overcorrection.

Including my nieces and nephews. I have a feeling OP would extend no such courtesy.

Im often in a supporting role in my daily life. Once in a great while, I do enjoy having people celebrate me and my achievements. On my day, I like having the day be about, well, me. Thats not selfish; its normal.

Not everything has to be about OPs kids. boudicas_shield

Others said the OP was definitely wrong to not attend.

This is her sister and the wedding is not a destination wedding. Id be p**sed and hurt if my sister didnt come to my wedding. No excuse. She has plenty of time to find a sitter. Aware_Voice_6043

I remember when my brother announced his engagement, they asked us about anything that we needed to be able to attend (if certain dates were off-limits or whatever). My response to him was that the wedding could be on Christmas Day on the moon and I would still find a way to be there.

When you love someone, you are willing to do at least the bare minimum to attend their special events. In the case of the OP, that would be asking the children to stay home with their father for a single day. kennedar_1984

Weddings seem to bring out the absolute worst behavior in people. I could not fathom missing my sisters wedding even if I had hated the dude she was marrying (I dont, my bro-in-law is great). Id have had to be on my death bed.

OP YTA and one of the reasons weddings have become toxic and s**tty. peteywheatstraw1

YTA.

Weddings are not a family event (by OPs definition must include children) by default. Also did you know you can be a family without children (mind blown).

Another astonishing fact is that parents dont have to do everything with their kids.

And the fact that you keep belittling it by saying just a wedding shows how little you care about your sister but then again it sounds like you dont like her and am doing this to hurt her. Baaastet

Fast-forward 16 years or whatever and your kids will be jumping at the chance to attend parent-free activities, and who will you call?

Certainly not your sister or any other friends who you let down by taking a moral stance against their child-free weddings or other activities. Relationships require an investment of time and effort and sometimes participating in special life events that youre not really interested in attending.'

YTA all the way and this is just dumb. RabbitHole-Ninja

Its fine for someone to not go to a wedding but to say there is no point in seeing my sister get married it my kids cant also be there is such an a**hole move.

Either you want to show love for your sister or you dont. I get that sometimes money, travel, work, logistics, and even childcare can preclude attending a wedding, but just on principle to say, if it is no kids, Im not going because weddings are for families is such an entitled attitude. melodypowers

OP seems a little jealous maybe that the attention for the day will be on sister. Seems weird she wouldnt want to honor her sisters choices on her own damn wedding day. Your choice if you dont want to go, but YTA because your attitude sucks. starswar77

While the OP was insistent that it didnt matter if she was at this wedding and that her sister had made her decision for her, the subReddit did not agree. To not even attempt to find a sitter was telling, and to speak the way she did about her own sister spoke volumes, as well.

Original post:

Parent-Of-2 Refuses To Attend Sister's Childfree Wedding ...