Category Archives: Childfree

A recent study, Parenthood as a Moral Imperative? Moral Outrage and the Stigmatization of Voluntarily Childfree Women and Men by Leslie Ashburn-Nardo, has recently received quite a bit of online ink.

I elaborate on the study here; briefly - the study had 204 introductory psychology college students randomly read one of four versions of a paragraph about the life of an alleged former student after s/he had graduated. They then answered questions that pertained to the alumnis psychological fulfillment or adjustment and the extent to which the alumni made them feel disapproval, angry, outraged, annoyed and disgusted.

A heap of online headlines put a big spotlight on one of the findings that not having children inspires moral outrage in others. However, reading the study itself is very informative. Jenna Watling Neal, who was part of a discussion on the study on Facebook makes an astute observation:

Ashburn-Nardo does acknowledge this in the article: the mean levels of moral outrage were small overall. However, many online headlines would make one think the findings were a lot stronger than the study found. As Watling Neal remarks, the findings are overblown in the media!

I have seen a fair amount of this online, and contemplate the impacts.

Though certainly not the first time headlines overstate research findings, in this case, I wonder how much they will serve to confirm perceptions that the childfree somehow do deserve moral outrage. To what degree does it feed the perpetuation of the pronatalist notion that parenthood is a moral imperative? To the extent it breeds pronatalism dogma, it notches back the progress of social change.

Or, does it ultimately notch progress forward? There is more awareness today than a generation ago that stigmas and misperceptions exist and shouldnt - about not having children by choice. For some years now, academics and authors have shined much light on how the childfree are ostracized, criticized and judged. Through blogs, e-publications, and forums, the evolution of our online world has made so much more information accessible, and provided the opportunity for the childfree to find community. Perhaps, as provocateur, exaggerated headlines draw people in to read online pieces, join in discussion, and inspire wanting to learn more, which can ultimately foster even more education about the childfree choice and those who make it.

So do instances of exaggerated headlines notch progress backward or forward? Maybe it does both.

Also consider how overstated headlines impact the perception of societys acceptance of the childfree choice. When the headline reads that being childfree inspires moral outrage, one could easily be led to believe that we are a long ways from society seeing this choice as equally legitimate as the choice to become a parent.

In 2012, I put out an online poll asking this question: How accepting is society of the childfree choice? Fifty-eight percent of the almost 700 respondents chose this response: It is more accepted today than 10 years ago but we still have a ways to go.

From being on the pulse of the childfree choice for 18 years now, I too say, we have a ways to go, and that in the last 40+ years, we have come a long way as well. Today, if you appeared on TV to talk about the childfree choice, it is highly unlikely you would lose your job like Marcia Drut-Davis did in the 70s. The internet continues to serve as a powerful, evolving platform for the childfree to come out of the silent margins. And today, we see much more dialectic on understanding the childfree choice, and how the stigmas, perceptions and judgments need to be questioned. We see more outspokenness about not buying into the stigmas, perceptions and judgments held by previous generations.

Outrage has a place, but not directed at the childfree. Instead, on the road to change, shouldnt it inspire outrage when:

These questions point to pronatalist forces that continue to drive too many peoples beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. What should also inspire outrage is the fact that pronatalism, which consists of outmoded and untrue assumptions about reproduction and parenthood, is uncritically followed, and has many negative impacts on all of us.

Yet, I am inspired by the words of Rebecca Solnit, that, Undoing social frameworks of millennia is not the work of a generation or a few decades but a process of creation and destruction that is epic in scope. On this important path of undoing, we need to continue to speak out about the wrongful perceptions, criticisms and judgments, and now more than ever, to pronatalism, the behemoth of a force that drives them.

Here is the original post:

The Childfree, Outrage, and Where It Belongs - Huffington Post

What happens when your dreams of parenthood lie in tatters? Letting go of that perfect image of marriage or coupledom, becoming a parent and living happily ever after is not an easy thing to do. When youre facing a lifetime living childfree against your wishes, you need guidance and support to accept and develop new dreams and a new life.

Helen Browne knows this path only too well. As chairwoman and one of three founding members of the National Infertility Support and Information Group (NISIG), shes all too aware of how isolating and lonely the experience of infertility can be. And she also knows what its like to let go of that perfect dream, move on and accept a childfree future.

Never mind the financial pressures, the emotional pressures and the relationship pressures, there comes a time when you just have to go through a grieving process and allow yourself to grieve for the life that you are not now going to have.

Despite all the advances in fertility treatments, many couples remain unable to have any children of their own. There are few reliable figures, but it is thought about one in six Irish couples is childless involuntarily. Many suffer depression, and several consider suicide. One in three such couples break up, blaming childlessness as the cause.

Undercurrent

In a country that venerates motherhood and children, it can be extremely difficult to be part of this super-select club, and one of which you did not initially choose to be a member. Many infertility sufferers feel theres a subtle undercurrent that runs through our society with a lot of Irish people thinking a childfree life is second best, cold and empty.

One woman I spoke to, who wished to remain anonymous, told me: It seems to me that you can only be flourishing if you are breeding in this country. Complete strangers have questioned my childlessness with no knowledge of my background. A couple of people have asked me Who will be there for you when youre old?, like I was somehow deliberately endangering my old age insurance policy. There were years of rage and anger before I finally accepted my childfree life.

A childfree life (a far preferable term than childless), either by choice or circumstance, does not come easy to many people. Most couples spend years and thousands of euro in infertility treatments before they have to accept that this particular dream will not be realised.

Infertility counsellor Liz Quish describes it as disenfranchised grief. Often theres a sense of denial and then anger and frustration about why this has to happen to you. Youre stuck and feel no one understands this grief youre going through. Its a bereavement process that you go through and its essential to do that if you want to move on.

No emotional support

Quish also speaks from experience. After getting married, she and her husband tried to get pregnant for a year and a half before seeking fertility treatment. She found there was no emotional support during the process, which initially involved several IVF cycles and then a trip to Spain for egg donation.

Its such an emotional rollercoaster and when youre in the process, its all about the procedures. When I was going through it, there was no support outside the clinic for when it didnt work. Her first IVF cycle was abandoned half-way through because of a poor response and a subsequent attempt was also unsuccessful. She tried the egg donor route twice and says: Its a very individual experience for every couple but, at that point, I knew I had to turn my energies to other areas of my life.

The experience of infertility is not easily expressed as a single thing, no few words encapsulate the way it interferes with almost every aspect of lives and relationships: home, marriage, sex, food, future, friends, family, parents, in-laws. A person cant just say one word, as they can with illness or bereavement, and have the scale of it understood.

Browne had a similar moment of accepting that her future was not as she imagined it. She and her husband, Ger, had tried seven attempts at IVF in 10 years. One time, they sold Helens fiesta to pay the fees to the fertility clinic. It consumed my life for 10 years, she says. I had endometriosis and I remember going in for the operation the first time and the doctor saying I would be pregnant in no time once I was fixed up. One of her fallopian tubes was wrapped around her bowel and the other was stuck to her womb. When the expected pregnancy didnt happen, she went back to find all her adhesions had come back and her tubes were completely blocked.

It is the worst experience in many ways once you are stuck in the infertility cycle. Lovemaking becomes a chore and you feel the pressures starting to affect you as a couple. And then youre surrounded by people getting pregnant and meanwhile you are stuck in this secret world of pain. Its so tough and many people initially battle this period alone which is terribly sad.

Dealing with the pain

She became an actress, she says, and put on this front for her life to help her deal with the pain. Setting up the NISIG in 1996 gave her an outlet for some of her energies because there was no one talking about the stress and pain and she wanted to be able to help others. There was no Dr Google in those days and we gave out a lot of information as well as support.

She found a counsellor for herself because she felt depressed and she wanted to move on. I was bawling when I saw him the first time. I said I wanted anti-depressants because I couldnt deal with everything that was going on. He suggested that she would need grief counselling. I remember it so well. He told me: You are not depressed. You are grieving, grieving deeply for babies that could have been. And it was then that the penny dropped for me. I was grieving grieving the loss of motherhood, of parenthood, the loss of my place in society. I could feel my body lifting in the counselling session because no one had ever mentioned grief to me before.

Infertility is a deeply private experience, something most of those wrangling with it never discuss. Fertility, on the other hand, is not. Do you think youll ever have a baby? You two should hurry up and have kids. Best thing I ever did. I know what you career women are like. All these comments have been unthinkingly said to women who are going through the private pain of infertility.

Nobody forgets to have children. Its usually either a positive choice or theres a raw and painful battle dragging on behind the scenes.

Prepare a script

Liz Quish suggests women and couples develop a script which stops them going on the back foot when these conversations inevitably come up. Its individual to each couple but its a really good coping mechanism to have. So many people are walking around in fear of the questions, so if you are prepared, you get some of your power back.

Some couples simply say they dont want to talk about it while others have developed a bit of a background which explains their story. It takes the pressure off and allows a recovery process to begin. Mike Ryan* describes it as an overwhelming sense of loss. After 10 years of IVF cycles, he and his wife, Jenny, had to accept that their dreams of a family were not to be. The pain is so hard to describe. Its just not talked about either so we felt it was just us going through this terrible nightmare.

We had given up travelling, remortgaged the house a few times and put our lives on hold really, in the hope that a baby would arrive. When it didnt happen, both Mike and Jenny attended counselling, separately and together. It nearly ended our relationship. The pressures and emotions are so overwhelming. You need to come to terms with the grief first and then once that has eased you can take a look at where you want to go.

Replacing the old dreams with new ones has been painful but they are well down the road to recovery now, Mike says.

We are now building a new life for ourselves. We are stronger and were looking at what this new life might be like.

The only difficulty they have now is the unthinking and, at times, cruel comments that their family, friends and acquaintances still make. I remember a few years back we went on holiday for the first time in five years and it was a big holiday to the Caribbean. It was our treat to ourselves for the years we lost. One of our friends kept making comments about how it was well for us.

gallivanting around the world when he had to say home with the babies. It was so hard to walk away and not tell him that I would have given anything to be in his shoes.

*Name changed for privacy reasons. You can find out more information about the National Infertility Support and Information Group at nisig.ie and contact Liz Quish at lizquish.ie

No one knows the secret pain that a lot of people struggling with infertility carry with them daily. So whether youre aware of someones efforts to conceive or not, its time Irish people faced the fact that they are incredibly tactless around couples with no children. Mike remembers the time someone said to him: We always wanted to have a family it really stopped me in my tracks, it was like suggesting because I didnt have children, Jenny and I were not a proper family. A lot of the pain in the early days came from comments and the expectations people have. I asked some couples about the hurtful things people have said and came up with this list. Please avoid the following statements to childfree couples:

- When are you going to have children? - Stop worrying. Youll get pregnant if you stop trying so hard and relax. - You should adopt. Do you know how many children there are who need good homes? - But youre so young. You have plenty of time to get pregnant. - It could be worse. It could be cancer. - Maybe youre not meant to be parents. - Still no babies yet? - You can have my children if you want. - Its such a shame; youd be an amazing parent. - It will happen naturally if you let it.

See more here:

What not to say to couples who don't have children - The Irish Times - Irish Times

Updated March 21, 2017 14:20:58

Women decide not to have children for many reasons.

Whether it be career-motivated, a lack of maternal feelings or a concern for population growth's impact on the environment it's often a carefully considered decision.

And we already know fewer women are having kids as each decade goes by.

Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows the number of childless women in the 45 to 49 age group was at 14 per cent in 2006. That compares to 11 per cent in 1996, and 9 per cent in 1986.

But what does this choice of childlessness mean for women at different stages of their life?

"I don't need to have kids to validate my life," 27-year-old Amy Gurd of Brisbane says with conviction.

Amy and her husband of five years, Brad, have chosen a childfree life and are considering protective measures like a vasectomy.

Amy is not shy about her decision, but is tired of the judgement she is constantly faced with.

"I'm kind of annoyed this is a topic of conversation. Women are judged for conforming or not conforming to this gender role of being caring mothers," she says.

The PhD student researching criminology realised in high school being a mum wasn't for her. She plans to dedicate herself to a career and travel the world.

"I know there are certainly women who can manage both really well, but becoming a parent would significantly impact and delay mine and my husband's career," she says.

"I'm happy with just my husband. We have two dogs which is enough responsibility."

Amy says lying has become a tool of avoidance in social circles where she often feels the pressure to comply with society's idea of being a woman.

"We actually got to the stage where it was just easier to tell people that we can't have kids just so the conversation will stop.

"I am supportive of people having kids, but it's not reciprocated."

Sydneysider and career woman Natasha David is relieved she didn't succumb to "baby pressure".

The 43-year-old writer has experienced several traumas in her life, including the suicide of her husband, who wanted children.

"If I had have had children because my husband wanted them, there would have been a long period where they might have been emotionally neglected by me while I worked my own stuff out," she says.

"I even had to give away my cats during a time because they weren't getting enough attention, it would have been horrific for a child."

Natasha had not completely written off having kids with her late husband, but wanted for them both to work on their own mental and emotional health before considering it.

"I felt it would be selfish to have a child against all the odds," she says.

"But I felt like society was thinking I was selfish for trying to improve myself before having kids."

Natasha has a vivid memory of her five-year-old self announcing she would be forever childfree.

"My aunties were all laughing and saying I will change my mind. I remember being very offended they said that, because I was very strong-minded.

"I don't like having people depend on me, and am quite independent myself, so I get quite impatient with those who are needy."

Natasha has again found love since her husband's passing, with someone who also doesn't want children.

As for a "kid fix", Natasha says she gets that from loved ones' families.

"Like the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, I am part of that village."

The oldest of five kids and treated as a friend rather than a daughter by her own mum, Sally Arnold took on a parenting role for her siblings.

That experience combined with a career she loved meant she had no interest in having children of her own.

"Growing up I was like the mother, mum would confide in me and could be a bit of a victim as well, it was quite hard," 66-year-old Sally says.

"There were always kids around, I had no space; I shared a bedroom with two other sisters even when I went to university."

The Melbourne-based psychotherapist and former business development manager for the Australian Ballet says later in life the arts and her husband were enough.

Perhaps surprisingly, Sally never felt any pressure to have children. Her late husband Tony had children from a previous marriage, and her own parents weren't interested in grandchildren.

"Mum and dad, they were shocking grandparents (to my siblings' children). It was almost like impediment for my dad," Sally says.

As for societal expectations, Sally says the arts was the perfect space for carving her own path without judgement.

"You're working with gays, bisexuals, transsexuals, it's a world of all possibilities sexually.

"The world I lived in very much encouraged diversity."

She says not having children has given her the freedom to discover herself, including joining a Buddhist community and undertaking intensive study.

As for entering her more mature years childfree, Sally isn't concerned.

"You can't expect kids to be around when you're older.

"There are times when I am lonely of course but then because I've done a lot of work on myself and I know I can't put it on others to help me through feeling lonely."

Healthy Mind Project psychologist Talya Rabinovitz works with women in their 30s and 40s who don't want children but have anxiety around it.

"On the one hand they can see themselves being happy in life without kids. On the other hand, they're worried they're making the wrong decision," she says.

"[Some] women report wanting kids but cite social pressure as the main motivating factor."

Talya says there are also cases of clients regretting their choice.

"They reach their early 50s and said, 'I wish I'd just taken the risk and had kids; now it's too late'."

But she says those who are confident about being childfree typically report feeling a sense of fulfillment and freedom from other areas of their life.

For women who feel selfish for considering a childfree life, Talya says choosing not to have children is as valid as choosing to have them.

"There is, however, a real opportunity for these women to learn how to harness the power of uncertainty and the freedom that comes when you surrender to it.

"Women who I've seen do this, step into their lives with a sureness that they will be OK, no matter what happens."

Topics: women, community-and-society, careers, family-and-children, womens-health, australia

First posted March 21, 2017 06:03:07

The rest is here:

Childfree: Meet the women who don't want to become mums - ABC Online

Increasing numbers of peoplein the United States, and in many other countries around the globe, are living child-free, either because they are delaying having children or forgoing parenthood altogether. Census data from 2015, the latest numbers available, shows that nearly half of women ages15 to 44 dont have kids, which is the highest its been since the Census Bureau started recording these statistics.

And while the percentage of women who make it into their 40s without having childrenhas fallen some since a high in 2006, a Pew Research review of government datashows that15 percent of American women in their 40s have never had a baby.

But while being childless is more common than ever, the social stigma attached to childlessness is still going strong, according to research done by LeslieAshburn-Nardo, an associate professor of psychology at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis. Ashburn-Nardo recently published a study in the journal Sex Rolesthat shows that the shifts in social norms have not significantly reduced negative attitudes toward the deliberately child-free.

Sheargued in an interview byphone that when we encounter people who violate, in some way, these strongly prescribed roles or norms, like interest in having children, then theres great potential for social backlash. She added, We feel like people are morally defective in their decision or behavior, and were motivated to punish them in some way, usually social sanction.

Ashburn-Nardo was curious to see if the increasingly high rates of childlessness in our culture werereducing the amount of social judgment against the deliberately child-free. To test this, she brought in a group of 204 undergraduate psychology students, under the pretense of testing their ability to predict the future, and had them read a short vignette about a former student who had married his or her college sweetheart.Half the students read about someone who had chosen to have two children, and half read about a personwho had electedto have none. They were then asked to fill out a survey to measure their attitudes about the former student.

Despite living in the 21st century and being, as college students, mostly childless themselves the survey takers were just as disapproving and disgusted with those who had decided against having children as similar survey takers were in the 1970s and 80s.

Those who were voluntarily child-free elicited greater moral outrage and were also seen as being less psychologically fulfilled, Ashburn-Nardo explained.To me, that really is indicative not just of a descriptive norm of whats happening in the world, but more of a prescriptive, like this is an expectation that people should want to have children.

What was particularly interesting, Ashburn-Nardo pointed out, wasthat survey takerspredicted that this choice to be childless would make the hypothetical couple unhappy.She pointed out that other studies have repeatedly shown the opposite to be true. Research shows that child-free people are just as satisfied with their lives as parentsare. In fact, childfree people tend to be happier on a day-to-day basis, and significantly more satisfied with their marriages.

Backlash theory, however, might explain whats going on here. As Ashburn-Nardo pointed out, when we feel moral outrage toward someone, as the surveytakers did toward the deliberately childless, we want to see them punished. Perhaps the prediction that the childless couple would be unhappy wasa kind of wishful thinking. People want to believe that those who dont have children will suffer because they believe, on some level, that the child-freeshould suffer.

Anti-choice activistscan safely be seen as the most ardent believers inthe notion that parenthood is a duty, not a choice, and therefore the most invested in the idea that those who defy social expectations byrejecting the opportunity to have a baby should suffer for their choices. Sure enough, the anti-choice movement is permeated with the myth of abortion regret, the idea that women who choose to have abortions will suffer from depression and even suicidal thoughts afterward.

There is no evidence whatsoever that women who have abortionshave regret, never mindserious mental health problems. On the contrary, repeated research has shown that womenwho have abortions do just fine compared withwomen who dont.But anti-choice activists so desperately want women who have abortions to suffer that they have convinced themselves that abortion regret is a real thing.The surveytakers who believed it was wrong to be child-free and who thought that those who choose it will suffer may be expressing a more muted variation of the same impulse.

One interesting finding from Ashburn-Nardos study was that the surveytakers didnot differentiate between men and women when passing judgment on those who are voluntarily childless. The students had beendivided into four groups: One group read about a childless man, the second set read about a childless woman, the third cluster about a woman with two children and the final group read about a man with two children.

Ashburn-Nardo had expected, she said, that the childless woman would elicit more moral outrage than the childless man. That wasnt the case. Both men and women were negatively judged for choosing not to have children. Women may be expected to invest more heavily in parenthood, butpeople still think theres something wrong with a man who doesnt want to have kids.

These findings are particularly interesting in light of polling data, collected by Gallup, that shows thatAmericans increasingly rate premarital sex, birth control and abortion as morally acceptable. But Ashburn-Nardos research suggests that while Americans might be more comfortable with separating sex fromchildbearing, there is still a lot of discomfort aboutpeople who refuse to become parents at all.

The rest is here:

Child-free and OK with it but still dealing with moral scolding and ... - Salon

When 26-year-old tech reporter Holly Brockwell went public with her quest to be sterilised, she sparked a nationwide controversy and added a fresh dimension to Britains gender debate.

But the massive backlash from her media appearances was far from the biggest hurdle the now 31-year-old faced in her journey to ensure her childlessness.

ITV/ This Morning

The journalist says that for four years she was patronised, challenged and dismissed by doctors who told her she was too young to make a permanent decision about her fertility.

But Brockwell says sterilisation was the only option for her.

I dont want babies, she says simply. Society tends to see the pill as a magic solution, but theres not nearly enough discussion of the enormous effect it can have on womens bodies, moods and lives.

I dont react well to hormonal contraception, which means the pill, implant [and] injection make me ill and give me side effects no man would be willing to live with.

When a woman is sterilised, her fallopian tubes are blocked or sealed to prevent eggs from travelling away from the ovary to be fertilised.

Even on the day of her sterilisation, after her numerous appeals were finally granted, Brockwell says she was talked down to by her surgeon.

He was clearly, vocally against the procedure and spent what felt like forever trying to bully me into changing my mind, she says.

He even brought in a doctor from the IVF department to guilt me about how difficult it is to have a baby by IVF.

A year on from the procedure, Brockwell says she has absolutely no regrets about her decision to permanently end her fertility.

I just wish Id been able to have the procedure sooner. It would have saved me a lot of stress, illness and money for panic-bought pregnancy tests.

Holly Brockwell appearing on ITVs This Morning in March 2016 after winning her bid to be sterilised

Brockwell may have become the covergirl for this controversial issue, but there is plenty of evidence that women across the country in their twenties and thirties are also fighting to be sterilised.

A quick internet search reveals numerous discussion threads and thousands of articles around the subject.When The Huffington Post UK reached out to a support group for people who have decided to remain childfree, dozens of women rushed to share their stories.

Many of these young women say they have been ridiculed and denied by doctors who insist they will change their minds about becoming a mother as they get older.

Since the start of the millennium, there has been a dramatic decrease in the number of women sterilised in England.

While 35,300 women underwent the procedure in 2000/01, this figure fell by 72.5% in just ten years, with only 9,700 women being sterilised between 2010 and 2011.

Research has shown that this is partly down to the development of long-acting, reversible forms of contraception over the last 20 years.

Hero Images via Getty Images

Thanks to inventions such as hormonal implants and devices like the coil, women can now overcome some of the disadvantages of user-dependent birth control without making a permanent decision about their fertility.

But medical ethicist Dr Anna Smajdor from the University of Oslo believes other factors are also at work.

I am sure that doctors assume young women may want children and that it is regarded as pathological if they do not, she says.

In my experience, this is not the case for men in the same way.

Our society treats women as the primary, and sometimes the sole person involved in reproduction, and of course this finds its way into consultation practices.

Steph, a 31-year-old pet carer, certainly found this to be the case.

First rejected for sterilisation at the age of 26, her plea for the operation was denied again three years later.

Instead, they offered her boyfriend a vasectomy.

Although her partner Mark, seven years her senior, already had a son by a previous relationship, Steph told HuffPost UK the decision was a clear example of sexism.

She explained: It seems that as a man, you have more right to say that you dont want children - everyone is quite respectful of that.

For women, its as if we are all born to churn out children.If you dont feel like that, they give you more time until you make the right decision.

I have been with Mark for six years, but imagine if I was single or had only been with him six months.

You never know what is going to happen in life, Steph added. I still have no choice over whether my body reproduces or not.

Thanasis Zovoilis via Getty Images

For model and blogger Faith Roswell, a lack of control over her own body was one of the most frustrating elements of her fight to be sterilised.

Finally accepted for the procedure in her late twenties, she spent a decade pleading with GPs over the operation.

I told my doctor: Im 28. If I told you that I had been trying to get pregnant for 10 years, you would be helping me.

Im now telling you that Ive been trying not to get pregnant since I was 18. I want you to help me.

If Im trusted to make one decision about my contraceptive health, I should be trusted to make another one as well.

Between 2000 and 2010, the number of vasectomies performed in England dropped by more than half (56%), down to 18,000 a year.

But vasectomies - described as simpler, safer and more reliable by the NHS - still outnumber female sterilisation procedures by 8,300 operations a year.

For doctors, a young woman asking to be sterilised can present a moral dilemma.

Professor Phillip Hannaford, an expert in female reproductive health and contraception, says: Its about trying to give people a sense that they have control over their fertility, but doing it in a way that doesnt have permanence at that age.

People get married older and have children at an older age now I think the average age of the first pregnancy is in the late twenties, early thirties.

People change partners and often want to cement that new relationship with children, he continued.

I can very clearly remember a patient when I was in practice who had heavy periods and wanted to have a hysterectomy. I said: I really do think you are young, lets try a bit longer.

She came back three years later showing me her new baby that she was really proud of and thanking me for not supporting her in that decision.

But Dr Smajdor disagrees.I think if doctors did not emphasise the downsides of sterilisation they would not be doing their jobs properly,she says.

It is difficult because so many of the emotional risks are contingent and speculative, but still, they need to be considered.

However, giving the information is one thing; having given it, the woman should make her own decision in the light of these facts.

HuffPost UK is running a month-long project in March called All Women Everywhere, providing a platform to reflect the diverse mix of female experience and voices in Britain today.

Through blogs, features and video, well be exploring the issues facing women specific to their age, ethnicity, social status, sexuality and gender identity.

If youd like to blog on our platform around these topics, email ukblogteam@huffingtonpost.com

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Meet The Twenty-Something Childfree Women Fighting To Be Sterilised - Huffington Post UK

PHOTO: Courtesy Everett Collection

The proportion of people who don't have children has gone way up over the past few years. The birth rate for women in their twenties dropped by 15 percent from 2007 to 2012, and nearly half of women ages 15-44 had no kids in 2014. There's even a new word for the decisionopting to be "childfree"as a less pitiable-sounding alternative to"childless." Celebrities from Oprah Winfrey to Jennifer Aniston have spoken out about the fact that we don't need kids to feel complete.

But that message hasn't reached everyone. A study published in Sex Roles has found that even Millennials, a third of whom plan to remain childfree themselves, don't just consider people without kids less fulfilledthey actually get angry when they hear about them.

Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis, Indianapolis professor Leslie Ashburn-Nardo gave 197 college students an excerpt about someone named James or Jennifer who had either two kids or none. Then, she asked them to rate how happy the character was with their marriage, their children or lack thereof, and life overall. Participants were also asked how this person made them feel.

People considered the childfree characters less satisfied than those with two kids, and they felt "significantly greater moral outrage" toward them than toward parents. And although many women in particular have felt pressured to start families due to gender roles, negative feelings were directed equally toward Jennifer and James.

These findings confirm what a lot of childfree peopleand even people like Adele who have had kids but don't want morehave been saying all along: The stigma against them is real. 69 percent of Millennials believe this isn't a problem anymore, but the data suggest otherwise. There's clearly still a lot of work to be done to change society's attitudes about children and who does and doesn't have them.

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Ugh: Americans Still Think Less of People Without Kids - Glamour

There was once a time when deciding not to have children automatically made you a social pariah. And even as an increasing number of people are choosing not to become parents, the social bias against childfree adults persists.

Birth rates among 20-something women have declined steeplyas millennialsdelay marriage and having kidsin order to focus on things like education, career, personal growth and financial stability. Many others arent having children at all, and the number of women who have chosen to forgo motherhood altogether has doubled since 1970.

Yet many people still consider the decision to forgo parenthood as not only abnormal and surprising, but also morally wrong, suggests new research from Indiana University-Purdue University.

The findings, published in the March issue of Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, show that most people view parenthood as a moral imperative for men and women.

For the study, 204 psychology students at a Midwestern university read a short passage about a married adult and then rated their feelings toward the person and their perception of the persons level of psychological fulfillment. The only details in the passages that changed were the characters gender and whether they had chosen to have kids.

Childfree men and women were consistently viewed as being less personally fulfilled than those who had two children. This is likely due to the fact that the participants reported significantly greater feelings of moral outrage including anger, disgust and disapproval toward the voluntarily childless people.

Perceiving the childfree people as less fulfilled acts as a way of punishing them for violating whats often considered to be both a social norm and a moral imperative,according to study author Dr. Leslie Ashburn-Nardo.

Parenthood is a cultural norm and as with other norms, violations are not looked upon kindly.Research has shown that people who diverge from social role expectations often face backlash from other members of society for defying the unwritten social contract.

Through parentsand peers,people learn that parenthood is both typical and expected,Ashburn-Nardo wrote. Peoplewho violate social role expectations based on widely sharedcultural stereotypes are subject to perceivers backlash, suchas social and economic sanctions and sabotage. This backlashis justified in the minds of perceivers because the targets arethought to have brought it upon themselves by not fulfillingtheir expected roles.

Of course, the fact that childless women are widely discriminated against shouldnt come as news to anyone. Childlessness has been described as the final female taboo,and women who choose not to become mothers are often considered selfish or career-obsessed.Women are still expected to conform to gender stereotypes and are criticized and punished when they dont.

This enduring bias carries real repercussions. A 2011 studyfound that women without children suffer from poorer health, likely thanks to the enduring social stigma against childlessness. Childless people are also discriminated against in the workplace, being subject to less schedule flexibility and fewer tax breaks compared to their co-workers who are parents.

Other research has linked moral outrage to discrimination and interpersonal mistreatment, Ashburn-Nardo said in a statement. Its possible that, to the extent they evoke moral outrage, voluntarily child-free people suffer similar consequences. ... Exploring such outcomes for this demographic is the next step in my research.

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This May Explain Why So Many People Feel Outraged About Childfree Adults - Huffington Post

Stephen Dimilo Ashers, director of emerging markets at Afriquest Research Photo: Courtesy

"If I had kids, my kids would hate me. They would have ended up on the equivalent of the Oprah show talking about me; because something [in my life] would have had to suffer and it would've probably been them." Those are the famous words of American mogul Oprah Winfrey.

And those are not unique sentiments; other celebrities like Cameron Diaz and Ellen Degeneres share them too. Step away from Hollywood and enter Kenya and you will realise that having children is also not everyone's cuppa too.

Stephen Dimilo Ashers, a 33-year-old director of emerging markets at Afriquest Research does not want children. His father told him that he would probably change his mind. "He says that it's just a matter of time and that it (the desire for kids) will come. My mother, on the other hand keeps on asking me if there's something wrong with me. However, my younger brother tells me that if I don't want to have children, then that's ok. He has a child- which he thinks wasn't such a great decision on his part," Stephen says.

Parents are often quoted saying things along the lines of "I always wanted to be a parent. Children are such a blessing!" Similarly, for those who opt not to procreate, it often is something they've always known. However, more often than not, it's a decision which stems from fear that they would make inadequate parents. "I probably knew (that I didn't want kids), when I was old enough to think about the responsibility of raising children. My biggest reason for not wanting kids is independence. I like to be a free soul. Also, I am a lousy teacher. I'm not sure I would teach them anything," Stephen says.

And while Stephen's decision might not be popular, he's definitely not the only one opting for a childfree lifestyle. While some have made the decision to not sire, others have gone a step ahead to cement their decision.

"I recently had a vasectomy and I have no regrets about it," says Kiarii Kimani, a 30-year-old popular photographer based in Nairobi. Having watched his parent's marriage crumble when he was 11 and the subsequent suffering he and his two siblings went through, he is adamant that his decision to be childfree is the right one, at least for him. "I think it is selfish to bring a child into this world and not be there for them. People who choose not to get children are not selfish. Career, life, and other issues influence the decision not to have children. Children are not a must in life and I don't owe anyone a child," he adds.

In African culture, life's trajectory seems to be clearly defined; go to school, find a job, get married, have children. But more and more people, especially millennials, are defying the societal expectation to have children.

According to the 2014 Kenya Demographic and Health Survey, Kenya's birth rates have fallen in recent years and Kenyan women have an average of 3.9 births- a decline from the fertility rate of 4.6 recorded in the 2008-2009 survey. While the drop in births in the country can be largely attributed to smaller family sizes, it is safe to assume those opting to not have children at all also contribute to the overall drop in fertility rates.

The decision to have or not to have children should be a private and personal one. However, it usually takes place in a culture which equates adulthood with parenthood. This is a society in which women are shunned or even physically assaulted for failing to conceive and bear children and men feel that their manhood is defined by their ability to sire children. In 2016 the world was shocked by the case of Jackline Mwende, a Kenyan woman whose arms were chopped off by her husband for failing to provide her husband with an heir. Additionally, fertility treatments are widely available- making parenthood possible even for those who those suffering from clinical infertility.

Because of these societal expectations, the decision not to procreate is often received with recrimination, skepticism, and disbelief. When Kimani informed his family of his decision, he was warned that he would regret it and his sunset years would be lonely. "My parents separated when I was 11 and got divorced when I was 18. I'm not particularly close to either of them and I haven't told them that I want to remain child free yet. I have told my siblings, although I didn't expound on the reasons behind my decision."

Stella Nasambu, a 30-year-old digital strategist, laughs at how her mother reacted when she learned that she probably wasn't getting any grandchildren from her daughter. "She had the classic African mother reaction...absolute horror. Then she had a mini prayer session right there in the middle of the kitchen! Now I try not to be offended every time she brings it up and questions it...because that's how her generation was raised. I enjoy more freedom of choice, while my parents had more or less a set path (in life)," Stella says.

Stella says she realised she had to make a decision when she turned 27. "I had a sit-down with myself when I turned 27 and soul searched for months about why I should have kids...not when. I looked at what I was bringing to the table as a parent to a potential child and realised that I couldn't possibly parent a 'normal' kid who would turn out healthy and happy," she explains.

"I feel that I'm not maternal in any way, shape, or form. I don't have the absolute grit that my parents had or my friends have to bring a whole separate being into this world and shape their lives. It's just something I've never invested much emotion or thought towards," she adds.

The common assumption is that those who opt to be childless are people who don't like children. However, that's not necessarily true. Stella considers herself a 'kids person' who is a cool aunt. "I take time to listen to my nephews and nieces and nurture them without pushing my views on them. Children so love and have boundless imagination so it's always a treat to hang out with them," she says.

Stephen also likes kids, albeit in small doses. "Two of my siblings have children, and I enjoy their company to some extent. But after a while, they wear me out," he quips. On the other hand, Kimani doesn't see himself as a 'kid's person' at all. "I am not a kid's person. I've watched my behavior around children and realised that I just don't gel with them," he says.

Vasectomy procedures are on the rise

Despite its efficacy, vasectomy is still viewed as a taboo with a majority of men thinking that undergoing vasectomy is a form of castration and that it makes one less manly. That said, vasectomy has also been gaining acceptance amongst men who already have children. In 2011, 3,652 men are recorded as having undergone vasectomy in the country. This is quite an impressive number, especially when you compare it to the 246 vasectomies recorded in the country between 1987 and 1991.

Kimani says that vasectomy is quite a simple procedure. "It was short and painless. I think it lasted about twenty minutes. I'd already decided to get it done 11 years ago, so I was relieved when it was done. I got the procedure at Kenya National Theatre during World Vasectomy day, November 18, 2016.

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I had a vasectomy and I have no regrets - Why a lot of people are opting for a child free lifestyle - SDE Entertainment News (satire) (press release)...

The conference is hosted by TheNotMom.com and its founder and chief executive Karen Malone Wright, the international expert about women without children. The blog is distinguished by its embrace of women who once dreamed of motherhood as well as those who never did. The inaugural conference held in 2015 was a resounding success, attracting women from three continents, five countries (Canada, China, England, Iceland and the USA) - and 18 states across America.

In 2017, more American women are childless by chance or childfree by choice than at any time since the U.S. Census Bureau began tracking them in 1976. Today, about one of every six women will never give birth, compared to one of every 10 women 40 years ago. Even so, mothers represent the majority of women, so for us, 'I'm not a Mom' is a common self-descriptor," Wright said.

"The tired old trope of 'selfish, childless cat ladies', doesn't hold in a world where Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotomayor, British Prime Minister Theresa May, IBM CEO Virginia Rometty and media powerhouse Oprah Winfrey reflect the intellect, philanthropy and concern for future generations demonstrated by women without children every day," Wright said.

The theme of The NotMom Summit, Redefining Feminine Legacy, weaves through presentations by expert speakers from the United States and United Kingdom including academics, counselors, business owners and other professional women on topics ranging from financial planning to small-batch cooking.

Saturday's keynote speaker will be Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, the global support network reaching almost two million women who are childless by chance. She is author of Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children. A portion of event proceeds will be donated to The NotMom charitable partner, The Global Fund For Women.

"When you don't have children, you approach life differently, from how you spend your money and plan your life, to how you relate to your family and friends. And, thousands of women who aren't mothers - aunts, godmothers, teachers, social workers and others - gladly share their time and resources with other people's children," Wright said.

"At The NotMom Summit, both women who chose a life without children and those who didn't can enjoy the very rare opportunity to come together offline and acknowledge the shared aspects of their lives," Wright said.

For information on sponsorship and other partner opportunities, please contact Karen Malone Wright at Karen@TheNotMom.com.

The NotMom.com is a distinctive resource of news, commentary and connections for and about women without children by choice or by chance - one of every six American women with comparable numbers around the world. The NotMom is American in focus but global in scope, focused on the unique dimensions of life without children in a Mom-centered world. The NotMom engages and influences a growing community of more than 25,000 women age 26 and up through the blog, events and social online networks. The NotMom Summit, the only major conference of its kind in the world, brings these women together offline to acknowledge and enhance the shared aspects of their lives.

NotMom Summit Links: Schedule, Speakers & Tickets: https://notmomsummit2017.sched.org Discount Reservations -Hilton Cleveland Downtown: https://aws.passkey.com/go/NotMom

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheNotMom and https://www.facebook.com/NotMomSummit2017 Twitter: @TheNotMom and @KarenMW Pinterest: TheNotMom Social Hashtag: #NotMomSummit

This press release was issued through 24-7PressRelease.com. For further information, visit http://www.24-7pressrelease.com.

To view the original version on PR Newswire, visit:http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/only-one-in-the-world-pioneering-notmom-summit-to-connect-childless--childfree-women-300402277.html

SOURCE The NotMom

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Only One in the World: Pioneering NotMom Summit to Connect Childless & Childfree Women - PR Newswire (press release)

Props to Jesse Nichols(@HappyNinjaUX) for reminding parents that childfree adults indeed childfree couples dont hate children. Not necessarily. Not in his case, at least, nor in my case. Kids have been (and will continue to be) an important part of my life. As a teacher, coach, advisor, uncle, friend, and unabashed man-child, children []

At 29, female and happily married, there is one question I despise more than all others. Its the dreaded, When are you going to have kids? People always throw it in there casually, too. Usually between such innocuous questions as, Hows your mother? or, Wheres the bathroom? Just as Im getting comfortable in a conversation, []

How tinted do your grievance glasses have to be to see a bias TOWARDS parents in todays economy? Im sorry, employers value parents? []Trying to work and raisechildren at the same time in this country is exhausting and expensive No wonder parents are miserableBut most of the issues articulated in thisFortunepiece are work-life balance issues, []

Since the 1970s, being childfree not wanting children has slowly become more recognized as a legitimate choice[but]we still have a ways to go when it comes to society accepting those with no children without judgment or stigma. This lack of acceptance has played out in the workplace. (Source: The Brutal Truth About Being []

Childfree articles in the press usually get a lot of below-the-line debate. Lilit Marcus, writing for The Guardian about some of the factors behind her decision to remain childfree, definitely stirred the pot last week. Some didnt bother disguising their vitriol, but Ive discovered that theres a new passive-aggressive approach on the block. This approach []

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Why No Kids - We're childfree and happy. You could be too!