How it feels to be part of the worst New Zealand team in sporting history – Stuff

ROBERT KITCHIN/FAIRFAX NZ

Jordan Hamel (second from left) and his mates Finbarr Noble, Simon O'Donnell, and Matt Russell were the lads behind Aotearoa Puzzles Inc they competed in the 2017 World Puzzle Championships in India.

Jordan Hamel is a Pneke-based writer, poet and performer. He is the co-editor of No Other Place to Stand, a forthcoming anthology of Aotearoa climate change poetry from Auckland University Press. His debut poetry collection, Everyone is Everyone Except You was recently published too.

OPINION: Jeff Wilson, Suzie Bates, Hamish Bond, Jordan Hamel. Pretty standard list, right? You might be wondering why Ive grouped three of Aotearoas most iconic sportspeople and myself together. Its nothing to do with talent or athletic ability (I ran out of breath on the way to the corner dairy the other day).

But we do all have one thing in common: were all dual internationals, representing New Zealand in multiple disciplines. For Hamish it was rowing and cycling, for Suzie: basketball and cricket, for me? Sudoku and slam poetry of course.

Now I know Im not a traditional sporting icon, and it takes mental gymnastics to call poetry and sudoku sports. But after some reflection, I believe I deserve a place in this pantheon. After all, not many people can say they were a part of the worst New Zealand team in sporting history.

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Wait, is my poetry that bad? Luckily not. That honour falls to the 2017 Aotearoa sudoku team.

It was a team that had no right to exist. Myself and a group of friends, none of whom were remotely interested in sudoku, through a series of events discovered the World Sudoku Championships. A competition which, until our arrival, had never featured a New Zealand team.

So, being young and opportunistic, we sent a few emails to the right people telling them we were New Zealands premier sudoku club, ready for the opportunity to compete against the worlds best.

Next thing we knew we were in! Things started happening very fast. We fundraised, found some sponsors (every team needs a uniform, right?), popped up on Seven Sharp and news outlets, enjoyed our 15 minutes. Then it was time to get on a plane to Bangalore.

Ebony Lamb/Supplied

Timaru-raised, Poneke-based poet Jordan Hamel.

Ill never forget turning up to a five-star resort/competition venue, surrounded by a bunch of very serious puzzlers, while we looked at each other in disbelief that a joke we had taken too far had landed us on the other side of the world.

You can probably predict how the competition went for us. We turned up on day one hungover and underprepared. We accidentally missed the pre-tournament information session the night before and had to borrow pencils from the Australian team. The tournament itself resembled an NCEA exam: a cavernous hall with rows of old wooden desks, no sound except for frantic pencils scribbling away through the tension.

It was all a bit much for one of my team-mates, who opened the booklet, realised immediately that he didnt actually know how to do a sudoku, then spent the remainder of the competition in the hotel room drinking cheap wine and watching James Bond movies.

As a result, he is now ranked as the worst sudoku player in the world. The rest of us, despite an overwhelming lack of ability, decided to stick it out, to prove something, maybe to ourselves, or each other.

Needless to say, New Zealand crashed into last place, not that it stopped us using our rankings for bragging rights, or celebrating enthusiastically at the closing gala. Our failure was so spectacular it sparked a viral Stuff article Kiwi lads take on World Puzzle Champs in India, lose pretty much everything.

Aotearoa Puzzles Inc.

We turned up hungover and unprepared... we had to borrow pencils from the Australian team.

I thought for sure the comments section would be riddled with pearl clutchers saying wed soiled the New Zealand name and Colin Meads would be spinning in his grave. But, outside of a few spoilsports, people really got behind us, a ragtag group of plucky underdogs against the world, whats not to love?

This year is the five-year anniversary of our appearance on the world sudoku stage. I dont think Ill ever be a part of something as surreal again. Even though were scattered to different countries now, my friends and I will always have that to bind us, and a reason to keep an eye out for obscure sports in far-off places - cheese-rolling, extreme ironing, snow polo - as the pull of the black jersey gets stronger again.

As for my place in sporting history? After receiving a nomination for Team of the Year, the Halberg Foundation emailed us saying that, while the committee needed to hold further discussions about what exactly constitutes a sport, our exploits were a brilliant example of the Kiwi spirit that is celebrated the world over. I think that says enough.

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How it feels to be part of the worst New Zealand team in sporting history - Stuff