Finally, a World Without Borders! Only Now Were Living in the 1995 Film Waterworld, Starring Kevin Costner – The New Yorker

Oh, how Ive dreamed of this day. Just as in John Lennons Imagine, its finally happened. No more borders! Now anyone from anywhere can travel wherever they like. No visas, no passports, no discrimination based on a persons race or wealth. The world is a grand utopia.

Theres just one thing. There are no borders because the polar ice caps have melted and now were living in the 1995 film Waterworld, starring Kevin Costner. Crazy, right?!

Sure, billions of people drowned and millions more were lost at sea. Not to mention that my fingers are always pruneylike, all the timeand I shudder at the thought of anyone else touching me with their disgusting pruney fingers, so I havent been intimate with someone in years. Also, my hair is permanently wet, even though Im one of those people who hates getting their hair wet when they swim. But these are just tiny trade-offs for living in a paradise where no one is turned away at a border for any reason. Damn it, Kevin, if you come near me with your waterlogged hands, I swear to God

Where was I? Oh, yes, a borderless aquatic utopia. Well, I use the term aquatic utopia loosely. Its more like an endless dirty swamp that spans the entire Earth. Also, there are a lot of decomposing animals floating around after the Great Melt, and, let me tell you, the smell is a lot. But thats O.K. We need to stay positive and focus on the whole no-borders thing. Imagine never needing a passport again! Boy, that better be the case, because mine is definitely expired and also at the bottom of the ocean.

The planet has transformed into a place where everyone is a citizen of the world, and were free to travel wherever we want to at any time! But, like, do we have to do it on Jet Skis? The chafing is so bad. Seriously, whose idea was this, Kevin?

But, hey, its cool. Im in Egypt right now, and you know what? Its beautiful. Sure, the pyramids are submerged and all you can see is water for infinite miles, but... Or, wait, am I in Canada? Hard to tell without landmarks or Google Maps, but thats the beauty of being able to travel anywhere at any timespontaneity!

Anyway, Id better go. Theres an armed Mad Max-looking crew coming my way on some steel-plated Jet Skis. They seem angry. Probably all the chafing they have to deal with. But you know what they dont have to deal with? Immigration officers. They should cheer up.

O.K., well, looks like Im being taken prisoner. Salam! Thats how you say goodbye in Egypt. Or am I in Japan? Who knows!

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Finally, a World Without Borders! Only Now Were Living in the 1995 Film Waterworld, Starring Kevin Costner - The New Yorker