This and That – outsmartmagazine.com

Our First Gay President? Joe Exotic, aka Tiger King, and one of his many pet tigers.

Youre not reading this unless youve been outside to get your magazine at Barnabysor some other equally cool place. Or maybe youre just spending way too much time on the Internet machine.

I hope you are well and dont feel as though youve yeed your last haw, because this will all be over one day. (After all, if Rudy Giuliani is still standing, you can too.)

I know its tough to be locked up in isolation when were stuck with a president who is meandering to a different drummer and is so wired that he can pick up AM radio signals through his makeup. He wants to steal an hour of your day by talking on the teevee in some damn language nobody understands. It sounds a little like English, but . . . no, not English. Definitely not English. Its more like a hurricane blowing through a dictionary.

Then he decided to trademark the name Capn Donald and the Treasury Raiders, and the motto Built on a lifetime supply of tainted corporate ethics.

Now that weve discovered that Republican government is all lime and salt but no tequila, theres nothing left to do but retreat to the solitude of our own homes as it slowly becomes obvious that blind-screaming hedonism has won out.

Things You Do Not Want to Know during a Coronavirus Lockdown

Mike Pence is in charge. Of anything.

Regrettably, it turns out that we can do better than wed like to admit without toilet paper.

Scientists discover that too much soap leads to impotence.

Instead of a face mask, you accidentally ordered a Lone Ranger mask.

You clearly hear a voice say, I have decided on celibacy. And you live alone.

Some gun-toting redneck guy in Oklahomawith two husbands, a meth addiction, and 223 pet tigers is probably going to be the next superstar president.

Cyndi Lauper was named Secretary of Agriculture, and you werent even surprised.

All cruise ships are being rerouted to Buffalo Bayou for the duration.

Charmin Ultra Soft replaces the dollar as the official U.S. currency.

Not only is the Post Office requiring masks tostand in line, but they require you to still wearpants to step out and check your mailbox.

* * * * * *

Does Andrew Cuomo have a nipple ring? Huh? Whoa, wait, stop. Whats this about Andrew Cuomo and nipple rings?

Top Ten Things Andrew Cuomo Has under His Shirt That Are Definitely Not a Nipple Ring, Nope, Definitely Not, No Nipple Ring

10. Dont worry, thats just the top of his corsethell be performing Lucky ChengsDrag Show at 11 p.m.

9. He and Chris Cuomo have tiny transmitters taped to their chests. (Yes, you andyour brother will never be that close.)

8. His 5G tumor.

7. The flash drive with Jareds spunky personality stored on it.

6. Pandemic Sweat Balls.

5. If ya wanna see it in the White House, youshouldve put a ring on it.

4. Allowable quarantine weight gain.

3. His other 5G tumor.

2. Two words: California Exotics.

1. He aint foolin nobodythats a damn nipple ring!

Until next month, when I hope we all can come out for Pride month, stay strong, stay safe, stay semi-sober. Ive started working on my Pride outfit. Bless Michaels for their curbside pickup, because, Honey, the things I can do with feathers, sequins, rhinestones, a glue gun, and a little sassy leather would tease your grannys bitties.

Hugs!

This article appears in the May 2020 edition of OutSmart magazine.

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This and That - outsmartmagazine.com