McDonalds menu hacks review: I ate them all so you dont have to – MassLive.com

The new McDonalds menu hacks do not actually feature any new items you can order on the menu. Instead, they are permission slips for you to become fast food Ozymandias, building carb-laden meat monuments to hedonism. Look, ye mighty, and despair as these works crumble in your hands because you basically just smashed three cheap sandwiches together -- all because travelers from an antique land called TikTok said it was cool.

To be clear, you get absolutely nothing special if you try to order these items on the menu. If you order a Surf +Turf, all thats going to happen is that the staff is going to hand you a Double Cheeseburger and Filet-o-Fish. Its on you to build it yourself and avoid getting tartar sauce on your pants as you perform meat patty transplants to create McFrakensteins monster.

You will have random buns leftover. Its not entirely clear what youre supposed to do with them. I mean, I guess, Ill just eat the bottom of a Filet-o-Fish with a half-shorn piece of cheese on it while staring blankly out the window. Yes, this is clearly what the cool kids are up to these days.

McDonalds menu hacks

Essentially what McDonalds did was take advantage of the popular trend of mixing menu items together and create a roadmap on the menu to copy some popular hacks. For some reason, half of these involve a Filet-o-Fish, which is the Greys Anatomy of fast food items. It was pretty popular for a while and every now and then you see it and go, Huh, theyre still making that? (Season 18 of Greys is currently on break, with the show already renewed for Season 19.)

Here are the four hacks that make up the new menu:

Sure, its all just reallocating the same ingredients in different ways. But thats basically been Taco Bells entire business model for decades. Might as well try it out.

So what do they taste like?

Trying out the McDonald's menu hacks: the Hash Brown McMuffin. (Nick O'Malley, MassLive)

Hash Brown McMuffin

(Building instructions: Place the hash brown between the egg and top bun.)

This is the hack that makes the most sense and keeps to a consistent theme. It really nails the breakfast vibe and actually does something to elevate the original items (besides making it bigger).

The hash brown adds some nice crunch to the whole affair, but also a lot of starch. Adding some hot sauce or ketchup to the equation really helps prevent this from being a brick of bland beige.

Still, it sets off all the familiar pings of what youd expect in a breakfast, popping off at different spots. Youve got the breakfast meat vibes, a crispy potato thing, cheese and then the egg, which gets overshadowed a bit, but the protein inside helps bring it all together.

Id have this again. The added hashbrown does make it a bit heavy, but the crunch and the savory potato flavors really are a nice addition here.

Trying out the McDonald's menu hacks: the Crunchy Double. (Nick O'Malley, MassLive)

Crunchy Double

(Building instructions: Place four Chicken McNuggets on top of the bottom bun and drizzle with BBQ sauce. Place the patties and the rest of the burger on top.)

Theoretically, you could put all six McNuggets on this sandwich, but its overload. Four is good.

Similar to the Hash Brown McMuffin, this hack involves adding a crunchy element to the burger, which does serve to make the texture more fun. The interplay between the chicken and beef is interesting. You get flashes of the ketchup and BBQ sauce flashing back and forth as the two meats combine to create a generally tasty protein duo.

This reminds me a lot of the Rodeo Burger from Burger King, just with McNuggets in the mix instead of onion rings. Thats a good thing. Both taste pretty good. Plus with this, you get two McNuggets leftover.

Trying out the McDonald's menu hacks: the Surf +Turf. (Nick O'Malley, MassLive)

Surf + Turf

(Building instructions: Separate the Double Cheeseburger in two parts, splitting up the patties. Take the top bun off of the Filet-o-Fish and play the rest on top of the bottom half of the split Double Cheeseburger. Put the remaining half on top.)

Theres so much bread here, and thats not even including the half-bun I have sitting here leftover.

This is where we start to get weird with the building process, smashing sandwiches together and really pushing the boundaries of sanity.

The mix of the ketchup and tartar sauce is interesting -- and vital to keeping this thing from being a fully dry bready mess. You do get a lot of the fish flavor. The burgers get mostly lost in the shuffle, but do pop out every now and then.

The amount of bread is imposing, but it actually makes the whole thing soft and chewy, letting the flavors mellow out. Once I let go of my preconceptions and embraced the bread, I liked it a lot more.

Im still torn on the decision to include the Filet-o-Fish. The fishy element is certainly present, but not overwhelming. Im curious why the Filet got the nod over a McChicken, other than the ability to call it Surf + Turf.

Trying out the McDonald's menu hacks: the Land, Air and Sea sandwich. (Nick O'Malley, MassLive)

Air, Land & Sea

(Building instructions: Remove both buns from Filet-o-Fish and McChicken, leaving just the patty and sauce. Open up Big Mac above bottom patty. Iinsert Filet-O-Fish patty. Open up Big Mac again above top patty. Inset McChicken patty.)

What did I just eat? Its a wall of flavors that all yell at you.

Biting into this sandwich is like putting your face five inches in front of a TV and turning it on. Its such a chaotic overload of sensations that your brain cant fully process everything thats going on.

You dont eat this as much as you attempt to perform a controlled demolition of it with your mouth. You need to basically unhinge your jaw to take a bite.

The sauces play well together, with the overall vibe being similar to a chicken salad sandwich, with all the various meats and lettuce. But instead of just chicken, this sandwich involves an ever-rotating carousel of meats that switch in and out and keep your palate guessing.

Its like a funhouse of mystery meats that constantly works to keep surprising you -- or a haunted house, depending on your perspective.

This sandwich is not up to code. Its not structurally sound. Mine fell apart as I ate it, with my McChicken patty squirting out and making a run for it after a few bites.

Are they any good? Which one is best?

Here they are, ranked best to worst:

1. Hash Brown McMuffin

2. Crunchy Double

3. Surf + Turf

4. Air, Land & Sea

Is that the same order that I reviewed them? Yes. Am I just realizing this now as I write out the rankings? Also yes.

The final word

For as goofy a promotion as this is, the hacks menu is a fun idea. It embraces the concept of adding personality to your food order and creating something yourself.

Customers are maniacs and companies are finally starting to embrace it. You can see it in the marketing. Wendys has wisely embraced the concept of dipping fries in a Frosty. Taco Bell has some commercials that endorse putting tortilla chips inside tacos for extra crunch.

Its 2022. There are no rules anymore. Go out and create your own monster sandwich. McDonalds said it was cool.

I just wish that they didnt keep trying to get us to include the Filet-o-Fish so much.

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I ate it so you dont have to is a regular food column looking at off-beat eats, both good and bad. It runs every other Thursday-ish at noon-ish.

You can send any praise/food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please send all criticisms and thoughts about the effect the poem Ozymandias has had on the modern pop culture zeitgeist to tsanzo@masslive.com. You can check out the rest of the series here.

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McDonalds menu hacks review: I ate them all so you dont have to - MassLive.com