Why Tho? Heres our very best parenting advice – OregonLive

This is the latest installment of The Oregonian/OregonLives advice column, Why Tho? by Lizzy Acker. Lizzys advice also appears in our weekly advice newsletter. Want to get it? Subscribe now.

Dear Lizzy,

I am in my twenties and not ready to have kids yet butmaybe someday? Do you have any advice for me for when or if that finally happens? What are your best parenting tips?

Future Parent (Maybe)

Dear Future Parent (Maybe),

Having kids! What a huge and life-altering thing to do! My number one piece of advice is: Dont do it unless you want to. Theres so much pressure everywhere, to have a kid and then to have multiple kids, but its not a requirement for happiness and I dont recommend going into it hoping it adds meaning to your life. Get meaning first and then add a kid when you feel ready to give up many of the things that define you, plus sleep, for several years.

As far as advice for once you have a kid, Im going to go with the golden rule: Treat people, in this case, your babies, like you want to be treated.

What I mean is, babies and kids are tiny geniuses, at least as smart as you. Respect them. As far as turning that into concrete advice, thats a little tricky. Youll find, if you become a parent, that most parents feel like they are being judged constantly, for what they are or arent doing. So take the following with this caveat: These things worked for me and just because someone chooses something different, I am not implying on any level that they are a bad parent.

Here it goes.

Dont assume because babies cant talk yet, that they arent hearing and understanding you. Talk to them constantly. Explain to them what you are doing. Especially explain what you are doing to them.

Remember that the stories they consume, books and television, etc., create their reality. So pick stories that might help them better exist in the world, instead of stories that are made to sell them products.

You can teach babies so much. You can teach them sign language. Its amazing! And I am a huge proponent of at the very least reading about the ideas of infant potty training or elimination communication, which is basically helping babies use a potty at a young age and is the normal practice throughout a lot of the world.

Its mildly controversial (dont force your baby to pee in the potty or berate them if they dont but also dont do that to your toddler) and a little woo-y in the United States but can save you a lot of money on diapers. Honestly, all I did was put my baby on a potty starting at about 10 months with zero expectations while I was going to the bathroom, to give her something to do, because a pandemic was on and I was really surprised by how well she took to it.

You may notice that my advice is very baby-focused since my child is only 2.5 years old. So I asked a few coworkers with older kids for their best advice. Heres what they said:

Know that your kid, even at a young age is WHO THEY ARE! Do not try to make them different. Youll only frustrate yourself at best, and at worst, push your kid away. Open your mind to the person theyre become and enjoy the ride, said a coworker who asked to be referred to as Grumpy old co-worker whos lucky her kid turned out awesome.

Another anonymous coworker who has parented non-babies had this sage advice:

Your primary job as a parent is to support your child(ren) in a way that allows them to become the very best version of themselves. Dont live through them, dont place your expectations on them for the kind of job they should have or who their friends or love interests should be or even if they have them. Embrace them for the individuals they are, figure out how to support them when they need it and get out of their way so they can make their own decisions when they dont.

Your child will look to you to be their world, and that is a huge job that comes with no blueprint. But regardless of your parenting style or whether you work or dont work outside the home or what kind of choices you make about what they can watch or eat, keep in mind that even the most mundane things are shaping who they will be as adults.

You will make mistakes as a parent and youll need to give yourself a break, and sometimes even acknowledge to your kids that you didnt live up to your own expectations as their parent. If they see you modeling resilience and making good choices, its so much more effective than lectures or rules. Be an adult your child can look up to.

I know. It isnt just babies who are geniuses. Its my coworkers too!

In a way, it all boils down to this: Release your expectations. Dont get caught up in a timeline or in the outcome. The most, most important thing? That you love your kid and show it to them. The rest you will figure out.

Good luck (far, far in the future),

Lizzy

Have a burning question? Send me an email at lacker@oregonian.com or tweet @lizzzyacker!

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Why Tho? Heres our very best parenting advice - OregonLive