The Dating Diaries: Dating rules are out, texting first is in – New Zealand Herald

There are a million rules when it comes to dating but it's time we got rid of this one. Photo / Supplied

OPINION:

Never, ever make the first move.

In the world of heterosexual dating, this one is the golden rule. It trumps all the others, like only text after three days, let them contact you first so you know they're interested, wait double the amount of time between sending texts as they do.

I want you to throw those rules out the window. The rule book? Poof, gone.

When it comes to dating there is one thing you need to know - games are for players. They are to be left in 2019 with the pre-pandemic world when we thought we had time to play them.

I've read every dating book I can get my hands on, scoured the web for dating columns, Cosmopolitan articles, podcasts, the list goes on, and the message that is constantly relayed is "never ever make the first move" followed by threats of a doomed relationship if you do.

Case in point: in Textbook Romance, Zoe Foster-Blake was quick to assert that by showing interest first you've denied the man of the chase. This is something men supposedly need before they even consider you as a potential girlfriend and by taking it away from him he will instantly slot you in the "disposable" part of his brain.

The thought kind of makes you want to s*** your pants. It's threatening, scary and absolutely not where you want to be in a man's brain.

But I continued reading anyway because the appeal of Textbook Romance was the note on the cover: "How to find the guy, make him fall wildly in love with you and keep it that way". And who doesn't want to be loved?

Unfortunately, I didn't get much further through the book because I was far too obsessed with the texting rule and spiralled.

What do you mean I can't text a guy first? What if I'm really interested in him and my fingertips are literally burning because I need to make that clear? It became my rule to live by for the next few years of dating, and I was fully convinced this one dating habit would result in me finding my one and only Prince Charming.

Shockingly, it didn't. And perhaps my biggest mistake was never making it to the end of the book because the final chapter says you should ignore absolutely everything in the book. Foster-Blake, while a dating advice legend, can only give generic advice, not tailored.

So now that I've got my own dating experience and the world has changed dramatically since Foster-Blake's book, it's clear that the rule of waiting passively for a man to make contact is what is setting so many women up for failure.

You've probably heard the saying "if he wants to text, he will" and maybe that's what's put you off texting first. While it is true to an extent because men have long been known to be more impulsive than women, the dating game has changed form. Take, for example, Bumble.

The dating app is known for its sassy rule, only women can make the first move. Which, if we were going by the theory in Textbook Romance, would mean it has zero users because men like the chase, not to be chased.

The fact is women are coming into their own dating personas and in doing so they aren't scared of making the first move in relationships and you shouldn't be either.

Since I have nil experience in dating assertiveness, I reached out to friends and the women I've spoken to about this are firm believers that, yes, if a man wants to text, he will. But it's not isolated to making contact first, it also means that regardless of who floats the idea, the date will still happen.

And if he doesn't, if he makes an excuse or leaves you on "read" or gaslights you into pretending he didn't see the message - like Che did to Miranda in And Just Like That - at least you'll have immediate clarity that he isn't the man for you and you can move on.

Dating rules are there for a reason, they worked for someone at a certain point in time but 2022 dating is completely different to anything we have ever experienced before and you should approach it with your own rules.

Go on instinct, not what a book, a podcast an article or even a dating column is telling you to do.

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The Dating Diaries: Dating rules are out, texting first is in - New Zealand Herald