Don’t Trust the Golden Rule It Probably Doesn’t Apply to Your Relationship. – The Good Men Project

Weve all heard about the golden rule, right?

If you didnt hear it directly from your parents mouths, then you surely learned about it from a teacher, or a preacher, or perhaps a random old person in the street.

The most commonly used version of the golden rule, at least when I was growing up, was this:

This basic concept of treating others as oneself would wish to be treated is considered the ethic of reciprocity.

Its been around for thousands of years. And whilst there are different variants of the concept, the same principle is referenced in all the major religions.

Here are a few examples:

Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. The Buddha, Udana-Varga 5.18

In everything, do to others as you would have them do to you. Jesus, Matthew 7:12

Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself. Confucius, Analects 15.23

This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you. Mahabharata 5:1517

What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour. Hillel, Talmud, Shabbath 31a

Source: https://www.scarboromissions.ca/golden-rule

I can acknowledge that the golden rule is a pretty decent guiding principle for life.

Particularly when you are dealing with new people, or perhaps someone you dont know very well, then treating someone the way you would like to be treated is a great place to start.

Lets be honest, if everyone lived by this one rule, then the world would be a much happier place.

So I dont mean to dis the golden rule. It still has its place!

But unfortunately, when it comes to relationships with people you know well, especially someone you know as intimately as your partner, then Im here to tell you that the golden rule doesnt cut it.

And heres why..

That which floats your boat does not necessarily float your partners.

What I mean by this, is that treating your partner the way YOU would like to be treated is not always the best option. Instead, you would be better off treating them the way THEY would like to be treated.

In my relationship, whenever Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries come around I get quite stressed. I really dont enjoy shopping for gifts.

Now, it could simply be that Im a tight-arse who doesnt want to spend the money. Some may agree with that statement.

Personally, I like to claim the more honorable title of being non-materialistic

Whatever the reason, I find the whole process unnecessarily stressful.

And because of this, I put it off until the last minute, which often means I dont produce a very good gift.

Ive hit the jackpot a few times. But theres also been plenty of last-minute phone-ins. It often ends with an online gift voucher or something even less creative like a bunch of flowers.

Not surprisingly, this has sometimes resulted in my partner feeling, well not particularly loved!

My partner, on the other hand, is a professional gift giver. She spends months in the planning, researching and shopping for a gift. And she always manages to come up with something original.

A lot of effort goes into it and I know its really important to her.

If Im honest (and Ive told her this, so I can share it with you), whilst I appreciate the effort shes gone to, it doesnt really make me feel loved. Id rather she didnt buy me a gift and instead just told me she loved me.

Meanwhile, when Im trying to show my partner that I love her, Ill often try and do it by simply telling her directly and honestly. Ill try to use words of affirmation. Ill tell her what a great partner she is and why I think shes amazing.

But much like the gifts that shes been giving me the words get noticed, but they dont have the desired cut through. They arent making her feel loved.

We both have good intentions. We are both trying to show the other person we love them. But we are going about it the wrong way.

We are speaking to them in our language, not theirs.

This concept of different love languages is explained in a book by Dr. Gary Chapman.

After years of working as a marriage counselor, Dr. Chapman concluded that there are five different ways that people experience emotional love.

According to Chapman, all individuals have a natural preference for one of these languages. Its the language in which they prefer to receive love.

And usually, when we try to express our love for someone else, we default to our own preferred language, because, you guessed it thats how we would like to be treated!

The second theory covered in Chapmans book is an even simpler concept to understand. Its called the love tank theory.

The way to think of this is that each person in the relationship has a love tank. During a normal relationship, we are constantly making both deposits and withdrawals into each others love tanks.

Deposits are made through positive actions or signs of love. And these deposits can be communicated in any of the five languages mentioned above.

They could be small gestures, such as a shared experience or a positive interaction. Or they could be more significant actions. Its pretty much any form of positive energy being injected into the relationship.

Withdrawals are also a normal part of any relationship. They can be obvious things like having an argument, forgetting an important date or blaming your partner unfairly. Or they could be more subtle behaviors or interactions that cause your partner to feel slightly less loved.

Whilst its normal for love tanks to go up and down as part of a relationship, Chapman suggests that the secret to achieving long-term relationship success is to ensure both partners love tanks are maintained at a healthy level, so they are both feeling loved.

Obviously, the more loved each partner feels, the more they reciprocate, and it, therefore, triggers a cycle of positive energy.

Both these theories are incredibly simple concepts to grasp. The reason its important to consider them in conjunction is that when it comes to deposits and withdrawals, the relevant love language can have a multiplier effect.

So if you are trying to show your partner you love them, its going to have the biggest impact if you can do so in their love language.

And likewise, if youve ever wondered why your partner is so upset about something that seemed unimportant or trivial to you, it could be that its highly important in their primary love language.

If you are in a long-term relationship, youve probably got a pretty good inkling of what your partners love language may be.

But have you also thought about your own love language?

How self-aware are you of what makes you feel loved?

Chapman suggests three questions that can indicate your own primary love language:

Theres also an online quiz that you and your partner can complete, which will give you a more comprehensive explanation of your preferred love language, along with a relative ranking of each one.

Now that you have a common language to use, make sure you are checking in with your partner regularly to ask them how their love tank is tracking.

Likewise, dont be afraid to speak up when your tank is a little low. Its a great way to share your feelings and admit vulnerability. Something we men are not typically good at.

It may feel a bit corny or forced at first, but youll get used to it. And you are going to be together for many years, so its worth some short-term discomfort to get this part of your relationship thriving for the long-term.

Its also important to notice how things change over time. I know in our case we have recently re-done the survey and both our profiles have changed quite a lot over the past few years.

So dont assume these languages are set in stone. Relationships evolve and so do the individual partners.

Okay, Im not suggesting that we throw away two thousand years of wisdom instilled in the original golden rule. Its still a great principle to live by.

In fact, Im certain Ill catch myself quoting the golden rule to my kids one day.

However, when it comes to relationships, what Im suggesting is that we need to evolve the rule. Give it a bit of a tweak.

Something like this perhaps?

Do unto your loved one as you would have them do unto you they would prefer you do unto them.

By taking the time to understand each others love languages, we can help improve the level of communication in our relationships and ensure we are keeping each others love tanks well fueled.

Over the lifetime of a long-term relationship, this is going to make things a lot easier and a lot happier for both partners.

Previously published on Thedadtrain.com.

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Don't Trust the Golden Rule It Probably Doesn't Apply to Your Relationship. - The Good Men Project