In an Immigrant Family, the Tension Between Freedom and Duty – The New York Times

While my parents missed their parents and siblings, they were also free from expectations, from societys eyes.

Free to wear whatever they wanted, to worship however they wanted, to raise their kids however they wanted. Like the original pilgrims, they were drawn to America by that promise, of freedom.

In our small town in upstate New York, there was no temple, so our religious education happened at home, or in others homes. My parents read the texts and picked the parts that they liked. They found friends who shared their language and gathered with them often, but they also sent me to a Christian camp, encouraged my friendships with a wide variety of people.

And I was free. I made so many decisions without any regard to the societal pressures that would have existed for me in India. Instead of marrying within my caste or even culture, I fell in love with a kind Polish engineer who understood feeling like an outsider, as I do a marriage my parents supported. Instead of pursuing the sciences, I found my way as a reporter.

As a member of the second generation, I wasnt raised with the traditional standards of responsibility to my parents.

But now that my father was gone, my sense of duty toward him was profound.

At least for the week after my fathers death, my path was clear, and that was a comfort. I performed rites and rituals for his body and soul, accepting the reality of his final stage of life. I sat with another Hindu priest a few days after the cremation and performed a puja a ceremonial ritual for his soul. We called out to all his ancestors to take him with them, and we asked for forgiveness for him and for us, so that his soul could be at peace, with all the tensions and worries of his life put to rest. I could feel their presence in my family room. The candle in front of my fathers picture burned for hours.

If I had been in India, I likely would have been pushed to the side, as those rites are traditionally performed by a son or a nephew a male descendant. But here, I did them without facing a fight from anyone.

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In an Immigrant Family, the Tension Between Freedom and Duty - The New York Times