Goodbye, freedom: the start of my parenting quarantine – Time Out London

Posted: March 31, 2020 at 6:55 am

Time Out Theatre editor Andrzejukowski is father to two young children, who he loves very much in moderation. Now, theyre locked in together 24/7. Find out how hes coping in this new series about parenting in thetime of corona.

Anyone who says they like to spend time with their children is lying. Or at the very least, theyre exaggerating. Obviously its nice to spend some time with your little treasures. Obviously its adorable when they run around smashing up stuff while pretending to be a succession of increasingly esoteric dinosaurs. Obviously. Within limits. But as parent to a two-year-old and an almost-five-year-old, the prospect of simply being locked away with them for an indefinite period of time with no possibility of a break is something that a week or two ago I would have probablycounted as one of my greatest fears.

However, times change. Pandemics happen.

Today is my birthday. A week or so ago I was under the impression I would start it alone in a hotel in Paris, having attended a French-language production of The Glass Menagerie the previous night.As the designated morning parent (ie I always get up with them),not having to deal with my own children for one morning was going to be a sort of present to myself. I would sweep magnificently into St Pancras in the early afternoon, saunter into Time Outs Kings Cross office, sign off the magazine pages that would have included my review of that weeks big West End opening, The Seagull starring Emilia Clarke, then head home todeepest, darkest Zone 4for some sort of meal out that would also not involve children.

Instead, I begin my (mercifully insignificant-numbered) birthday dealing with a howling four-year-old, in genuine hystericsover misspelling the word exhibition: I dictated the spelling to him, but he thought it began with two es and is in mortal anguish because I crossed the first one out for him, and it was the one he liked the most. (My plummy-looking e! I miss it so much!)

This is noteven the first daywere at home with the kids. This is thelastday theyre allowed to go to school before they all close. This is the fun bit. The prospect of precisely what wed do with them in these social-distancingtimeseven if we didnt have full-time jobs is daunting enough.But we do havefull-time jobs. WillI have to teach them stuff? Im a theatre critic: essentially my only life skill is staying out at night while trying to make the works of Harold Pinter all about me. The idea of working, housebound, with two children charging around, feels like a cruel and unusual punishment. Certainly this birthday is not going the way Id hoped.

Then, a birthday miracle happens. My wife, an editor who worksfor the government, is apparently technically considered a key worker. And the government line on journalists suddenly becomes promisingly unclear, with the suggestion being that all journalists might count. A key worker issomebody deemed so important to the running of society that their kids are allowed to keep attending school, so the parent can actually get some damn work done. And society probably would collapse without, er, theatre critics with nothing to review, wouldnt it? Wouldnt it?Oh God, probably not. After a brief conversation with the school, we decide its probably not the right thing to do.To be fair, were somewhatinfluenced by the fact that they sound massively unenthusiastic about staying open (its not teaching, its babysitting). In the end, my birthday present to myselfwasnt a Parisian breakfast but a short-lived fantasy of childcare assistance.

So here we are. What for some of you fuckers is surely just working from home plus a lovely opportunity to catch up on reading and work your way through Netflix is, for us, round-the-clock childcare plus our jobs, with no possibility ofturning to our traditional helpers, grandparents. Oh, and wecant go to the playground.

Really, areparents not thetruevictims of this terrible outbreak? Well, apart from the immuno-compromised and the over-70s, obviously. And NHS workers. And people whove lost their jobs, or are being forced to continue their jobs, the mentally ill, the lonely, the self-isolating, supermarket workers, tube drivers, teachers, construction workers oh, and people whove actually had Covid-19. Okay, were probably notthe true victims. But its going to be interesting.

Coach JoeYes, I thought he was a dickhead before. Yes, I basically think hes Jesus now. His full half-hour PElessons are a bit much for the (now) five-year-old and the two-year-old, but the first 15 minutes or so are fun.

Learning about currencyThe school provided us with a single PDFpage of teaching ideas, the first of which was teaching the children about coins which has been quite fun, but we have also had to explain that youre not allowed to use them.

Ninja-ing around the parkMore on our attempts to socially distance our children next time, but after extensive canvassing of randoms on Twitter, my current approach to our daily exercise routine is to play in the park but only in weird, obscure spots reached by stealth.

Forways to connect with your city under lockdown clickhere.

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Goodbye, freedom: the start of my parenting quarantine - Time Out London

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