5 rights granted by the First Amendment – Los Angeles Loyolan (subscription)

The Los Angeles Loyolan has been working hard to put on their annual First Amendment week, but are still so often surprised that students don't know the five main elements that the First Amendment protects. To avoid looking foolish in front of your judgemental peers, here are the official rights that our forward-thinking forefathers granted us:

1. The right to be on your phone as long as you want.

The government knows that sometimes all your lazy ass wants to do is scroll through your phone from 3 p.m to 2 a.m. and has protected that right for you. It may harm all other aspects of your life but feel free to switch between all your apps for hours on end without the threat of prosecution.

2. The right to walk with your friends as slowly as you want, wherever you want.

Don't worry, those people who get annoyed at your fly AF squad can't do anything but passive-aggressively walk around you. Feel free to walk slowly down whatever path you are on, and be sure to walk right next to one another, no matter how many people, so no one feels left out or bitter.

3. The right to drink more than one coffee a day.

The great thing about this country is the easy accessibility to a variety of caffeine. Already had two cups today? Have two more! Have a cappuccino, an americano, a macchiato! Thanks to our government, you can drink as much as you can afford (caffeine, that is).

4. The right to watch cute animal videos.

Regardless of daunting homework and responsibilities, the First Amendment will fight to protect your right to watch that 20th video of a dog being rescued from the streets and placed into a good home. So enjoy that clip of a cat and duck becoming best friends because you know that no one can take that right away from you.

5. The right to ask for as many condiments as you want.

Feeling embarrassed about going to the counter at Chick-fil-A to ask for that fourth dipping sauce container of Polynesian, honey mustard or good old ketchup? Well, rest easy in the knowledge that you can go back as many times as you want for all the condiments your heart desires without the government judging your eating habits.

The Bluff is a humorous and satirical section published in the Loyolan. All quotes attributed to real figures are completely fabricated; persons otherwise mentioned are completely fictional.

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5 rights granted by the First Amendment - Los Angeles Loyolan (subscription)