‘I feel slighted’: My husband of 10 years stopped paying his salary into our joint account and asked me to pay $900 toward our rent – MarketWatch

Dear Quentin,

Ive been married for 10 years. We share two young kids and I have two stepchildren. Wehad full custody of his two children during our marriage with no financial support from their mother.

He and I basically paid equally for all our expenses as we had a joint checking account for our paychecks. Truthfully, I always felt I shouldnt be paying for my stepkids.

We started having money issues a few years ago. When they got very bad, my husband opened a new bank account and deposited his checks there with me having no access.

He makes $150,000 a year and I make about $45,000. He paid all the bills for several months. He asked me to pay $900 a month toward our $3,000 rent.

Is this fair? I bring home $2,400 per month. I feel slighted. I guess I also feel bitter because I never felt comfortable paying for his kids. What do you think?

Wife, Mother & Stepmother

Its hard to be a stepmother and help raise your husbands children without contributing to their lives financially. As their stepmother, you are their guardian and hopefully their friend. They are or were part of your household, after all. If you were to divide your expenses and they became aware of that, it would have made them feel like strangers in their own home. Make peace with the fact that you made the right decision to pool your resources.

Its always better to have potentially tricky financial conversations before you move in together. Of course, its never easy to become accustomed to a certain way of doing things and suddenly have it change. You have contributed equally to expenses on a salary that is roughly one-third of your husbands salary, while he paid all of your rent. I understand that it must come as a shock to be asked to pay 10 years down the line. Still, changes happen.

Even given the disparity in your salaries, its hard to argue that you should not contribute to the rent. This should be a negotiation, not a fait accompli. Your combined salary of $200,000 would equate to a quarter share for you. You can think of the money you paid toward his two children as your share of the rent, if it helps sweeten that bitter taste. But expressing your displeasure with those contributions now would be a fruitless task, and only lead to ill will.

I do have concern about the suddenness of your husbands move, and the lack of warning. Is this a prelude to a separation?

That does not mean you cant have a larger discussion about why your husband moved money to a separate checking account when you previously pooled your resources. Changes without any discussion raises a red flag. What has changed in your lives and your husbands sense of financial security? Why did he do this without discussing it? Asking questions and expressing how you feel are more productive ways to explore what, if anything, these changes mean.

I have concern about the suddenness of your husbands move, and what this means about your future. Is this a prelude to a separation? You are a team, and whatever financial insecurity he is feeling due to the problems youve had, you should deal with as a couple together. You have come to rely on this money, and $900 is a lot of money for you. This unilateral action must have come as a shock, and made you wonder about your husbands commitment to this marriage as a united front.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says, Economic abuse involves maintaining control over financial resources, withholding access to money, or attempting to prevent a victim or survivor from working and/or attending school in an effort to create financial dependence as a means of control. Victims and survivors are often forced to choose between staying in abusive relationships and poverty or even homelessness.

Im not sure it rises to that level here, given your financial independence and access to your own funds, but its worth flagging. If, at any time, you feel like you are experiencing financial insecurity as a result of your husbands changes, tell him. If he does not listen, seek professional advice from an organization that helps people who find themselves living in a coercive and/or controlling situation. Bottom line: He should not have done this before discussing it with you first.

Youcan email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions related to coronavirus at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell onTwitter.

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'I feel slighted': My husband of 10 years stopped paying his salary into our joint account and asked me to pay $900 toward our rent - MarketWatch