Women Deserve Better Representation Than They Get In ‘The 355’ – The Federalist

Theres a scene in 1994s Pulp Fiction in which Uma Thurman describes Fox Force Five, a pilot she appeared in, to John Travolta. In Thurmans words, the show was Fox, as in were a bunch of foxy chicks. Force, as in were a force to be reckoned with. Five, as in theres one, two, three, four, five of us. There was a blonde one, Somerset ONeal, she was the leader. The Japanese fox was a kung fu master, the black girl was a demolition expert, the French foxs specialty was sex

Why Thurman is playing Arianna Huffington instead of revisiting her fictional pilots character in the film The 355 is a question well never get an answer to, although its probably because they already had two white girls one of whom was the producer and in Fox Force Five 2022, you need three women of color.

For this, the star and producer Jessica Chastain went with Penlope Cruz, Fan Bingbing, and Lupita Nyongo. Diane Kruger plays the part of the other white girl and the second main protagonist. The antagonists, all males, are also diverse, thanks in part to the globetrotting nature of the story.

This isnt to say The 355 is about that sort of identity politics. Its not. Its about a quaint form of identity politics, one from way back in, I dont know, say 2018, a time when things were simpler and focused more on sex. Blessings of liberty, I suppose.

But identity politics isnt The 355s problem. Its a feature, because the producers, and the producer (ahem), had a chance to make a really awesome movie with a predominantly female cast, with lots of fighting and explosions, and all she/they had to do was greenlight a film with a semi-coherent plot and a plausible storyline.

On those points, she/they failed. As a man, this bothers me. This doesnt bother me from a Seinfeld perspective, but from my perspective as a father of daughters. They deserve better. It doesnt even have to be that much better.

For example, during the previews, I was treated to Michael Bays latest upcoming film, Ambulance, a totally fresh idea with no resemblance to 1994s Speed. During that short preview, I was provided with backstory, motive, and suspense.

After sitting through some two hours and four minutes of The 355, I cannot say the same. In fact, I cannot even recapture it. If you want a fairly charitable summary of what it is to watch this movie, the Critical Drinker has you covered.

When I say that his review is charitable, its because the Critical Drinker could have dunked so much harder. Theres basically zero plot, the McGuffin a high-tech doomsday device is just ridiculous, and theres almost nothing compelling about the plot. All they had to do was make it slightly compelling.

And they (she) couldnt do that. They (she) instead offered two hours and four minutes of a three-year-old telling a story. If you like all exposition and lots of jumping around with basically no backstory or purpose offered at any point, The 355 is there for you.

In a nutshell, Jason Flemyng is some sort of supervillain who, naturally, wants the doomsday device. Chastain, working for the CIA, and Kruger, working for Germanys BND, are on separate, competing missions to get the device.

They fight a lot before realizing the Colombian operative who had the device and was supposed to give it to Chastain had instead given her a dummy bag. They continue trying to shoot one another for a few minutes, then team up and go off in search of the Colombian operative together, along with Nyongo, a British agent and surveillance/tech genius.

Cruz, a psychologist with Colombias DNI, ends up with a cell phone that can track the device when one of her patients, the Colombian operative, gets double-crossed by the Colombian government and killed. Just before dying, he grabs Cruzs hand and sets the fingerprint password on his phone to hers, making her crucial to the mission. Shortly thereafter, the tracker is removed from the doomsday device as other bad guys get it and Cruz continues to be in the movie for some reason, despite desperately wanting to return to her husband and children and not having any experience with anything thats going on.

At this point, the doomsday device begins changing hands a ton, although none of these characters are identified. Flemyng, one of the few non-generic bad guys, finally gets it. Chastains former bestie, Sebastian Stan, whom she slept with just before the failed mission to retrieve it from Cruzs patient and who was killed in the process, ends up being not dead and working for Flemyng. Bingbing shows up, rescues the other four foxes, and they all team up together to get it back.

There are a lot more explosions and gunfights and fistfights, Cruz shoots Stan but doesnt kill him, and the team gets the doomsday device back and destroys it. Two months pass. Stan is now in a leadership position in the CIA, they team up again to help Chastain get revenge on him, and then wrap things up by teasing a sequel.

I have bad news for Chastain: that sequel is not going to happen. This is a shame, because I kind of pine for that quaint form of identity politics.

Do I think most women, foxes or otherwise, yearn to go out and get in gunfights and save the world? No, and I live with four women, three under the age of 18. While their fights are vicious and mean boys call each other a stupid name, slug one another in the shoulder, and get over it while girls go straight for one anothers souls none have expressed any desire to get into demolition. Well, none have expressed a desire to get into professional demolition. They are all pretty into freelance demolition inside the house.

Nevertheless, they do enjoy watching women on the screen. Weve watched WandaVision and Black Widow together. Weve watched Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman 1984, which, while terrible and not anywhere close to the previous three female-led offerings, wasnt as bad as The 355.

In short, you cant just take a stupid movie, possibly written by Philip J. Fry under a pseudonym, stick a bunch of foxes in it, and call it a success. You still have to tell a compelling story, otherwise you just end up with a less diverse iteration of The Eternals.

Our wives and daughters and female friends are not one-dimensional characters, defined solely by their sex. Theyre complex creatures with different strengths, talents, and weaknesses. And for entertainment designed to celebrate them, they deserve better than The 355 offers.

However, if youre looking to score what is likely to be virtually a private screening of a movie for under $10, then The 355 is an option. Its a solid 3.7 film thanks to its depiction of the CIA as totally corrupt. Plus, while youre there, you might see the preview for Michael Bays remake of Speed, which clocks in at 8.5.

Richard Cromwell is a senior contributor to The Federalist. Husband. Father of three rambunctious daughters. Arkansan. Fan of whiskey and whisky. Originally an English major, Rich earned a degree in music business from Belmont in 2002. By day he produces shows and events for a local museum with a focus on giving back to the community. His writing can also be found at Pocket Full of Liberty. Follow him on Twitter, @rcromwell4.

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Women Deserve Better Representation Than They Get In 'The 355' - The Federalist