What SZA’s Evolution Taught Me About Healing – The FADER

Its why it has pained me to watch SZA who is signed to Top Dawg Entertainment sit through mainstream media interviews where men half-listened to her, made sure to tell her to keep showing more skin, and, prior to her weight loss, referred to her as fat. Often times women, especially black women, have to contort into marginal spaces and molds just to be respected, even after we strip down and bare our souls. Following SZAs journey these last few years, I wanted her to know that I and other women really saw her. In recent days, as I played Ctrl, I imagined us sitting across from one another sharing an exchange that eased both of our spirits, a kiki among friends.

In unveiling her tumultuous romances, heartbreaks, and rocky path to self-acceptance on songs like Wavy and Go Gina SZA, in turn, celebrates her womanhood by focusing on the deep contours of her own self-evolution. She moved me to ask myself, How do you push forward without reflecting on where youve come from and what youve been through? She has showed me that talking about old feelings doesnt equate to harping on the past. Its okay not to have it all together when everyone thinks that you do or you should. Her need for clarity is evident but so is her grasp on it. And while SZA soars sonically, her willingness to admit and mend through beautifully honest lyrics delicately zaps the hearts of so many women, including me, who have for days on end struggled to get over something or someone. On 20 Something, the final track, she sings, How could it be?/ 20 something, all alone still. My heart contracts as she goes on, affirming, Aint got nothing, running from love/ Only know fear/ Thats me, Ms. 20 something.

Her words transport me back to the moments I battled bouts of suffocating anxiety, which were brought on by feelings of loneliness. It took me more than a few years, but I finally confronted and shed the insecurities that would manifest from the overwhelming sadness I frequently felt. Steering through these sentiments took time, and like SZA, Im not ashamed about my journey. If wed gotten the chance to have a heart-to-heart, I wouldve asked her now, after all of this outpour and cleansing, what self-love looks like for her? What have you done to fortify your spirit in addition to the writing 14 songs that dont ask for pity, but instead deserve applause for your courage to sing them? I would have said. The two of us may not ever get to be vulnerable together in a safe space about our insecurities and the redemptive moments of our womanhood, but I feel comforted by her offering. I hope she feels whole.

Through all of this, I thought about what waiting four years to relinquish control probably meant for the outcome of SZAs transformation, and was grateful that Id been patient with my growth too. Even if people were waiting on me.

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What SZA's Evolution Taught Me About Healing - The FADER