Motherhood Has Never Been More Complicated Heres How to Simplify It – SheKnows

Parenting in 2019 often feels very confusing in this way. Every decision can be met with second guessing,anxiety, ambivalence, and a large online community of people who will either affirm or reject whatever it is that youre doing. Sometimes, youdont even know that what youre doing is wrong, and you may be told that there is no way to repair the damage youvedone, and guess what? You still have 18 years left of raising that kid youve already ruined with your poor decision-making. Good luck with that.

A new book written by two academics looks at the many complexities of present day parenting and exposes some of the different (and similar) approaches society took to moms in earlier times. In Youre Doing It Wrong!: Mothering, Media, and Medical Expertise, authors Margaret M. Quinlan and Bethany Johnson detail all of the ways we are flooded with mixed messages about parenting today, and how to navigate this messy terrain to find the voices that will really help.

In a phone interview with SheKnows, Quinlan, a mother of two, related to my feelings of constant maternal bewilderment. You cant blame us for constantly stressing about the ways in which we may be failing our kids. Theso-called village has all but disappeared for most people, so every day, Im at home alone with my son. In place ofthe villagehas come the internet, which can be an incredibly helpful resource but also create more confusion and chaos by spreading false information. For example, the growth of anti-vaccine sentiment in recent years has been linked to measles outbreaks, an illnesspreviously thought to have been wiped outin our country.

Moms nowadays are often left to their own devices after birth, as if its not bad enough thatthe U.S. has the highest maternal death rateof any developed country. Maternal mortality iseven higher for women of color. Black mothers arethree to four times more likely to diethan white mothers, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. A2018 studyfrom the University of Illinois at Chicago found thatheart disease is a leading cause of maternal deathin the U.S., and another study published earlier this year found thatsuicide and drug overdoses are leading causes of death in new mothers.

In researching for her book, Quinlan found that many new mothers were better cared for a hundred years ago than they are now. Doctors made house visits to see new babies rather than ask moms to haul their newborns into crowded, germ-infested offices.

We were able to figure out how to better support immigrant women in Boston in the 1900s better than were able to do it today in a lot of ways, Quinlan, an associate professor of communication studies at the University of North Carolina-Charlotte, said. People came to your house and it was free whereas most of us are alone and fathers are back at work.

For many women, itsthe pediatrician who noticesthat mom is not okay. At the same time, the pediatrician only treats kids, and its not easy for moms to manage their own health issues when they must care for a child 24/7.

When you go to the pediatrician and ask about [yourself], they say, youre not my patient, and you then have to go to a lactation consultant and call all these people [all] while youre baby is screaming, Quinlan continued.

The internet also allows us tocompare ourselves to other momsand question our own parenting abilities along the way. It can be easy to look at apopular influencers Instagram pageand think she has motherhood and life figured out, especially if she has tens of thousands of followers, major sponsors paying her, and gorgeous backdrops for all the photos of her and her beautiful children. Quinlan says that while she admires people who have been able to do this, she recognizes that this does not represent her world or the reality for most moms.

My life is never going to look like that, she said. Ive never had a picture of me and my family going through a field. We justdont have the money for a photographer and its not my reality.

All this comparing can lead to feelings of doing it wrong, and while this might seem like a relatively new phenomenon on social media, its deeply rooted in the parenting experience. Quinlan explained to SheKnows by phone that the past looks a lot more like the present than we all may realize. In the early 1900s, many people in the U.S.competed in Better Baby contestsin thespirit of eugenics. Thankfully, competition among babies plays out in a much different and less harmless way today. Instead, we see other peoples babies walking or talking early on social media and ask ourselves, Gee, my baby is that age. Why isnt he doing any of these things yet?!

Quinlan, who shared that her son is having some issues with food that has warranted visits to various experts, said its important not to frame everything as a choice or fault moms for not doing research on whatever issues they may be facing.

Lets not assume that everyone is able to read peer-reviewed journal articles, not that theydont want to, but even Idont have time to read some of the stuff Im going through with my son, I am just surviving, she said.

This is whereProfessor Emily Ostercomes in. Oster, a popular academic figure among moms online, has made a name for herself analyzing research on child rearing and pregnancy to help mothers make informed decisions about parenting. Quinlan agrees that Oster provides a wealth of information for mothers who may not know how to sift through the many conflicting studies and pieces of research they stumble upon in search ofanswers on parenting: will breastfeeding really make my child smarter? How dangerous is co-sleeping? Will allowing my child to cry it out scar him/her for life?

Oster isnt the only person online who can help new moms figure out what works best for their families. Quinlan noted the existence of internet fertility support groups, which for many women are a significantly more affordable option than fertility treatment. Women in these groups can check in with each other during the two-week wait, the time period from ovulation to when someone would get an accurate pregnancy test result.

In the fertility research wevedone, weve found some really amazing community in Instagram, people following up on each other during the two-week wait, people willing to fill in the social support gap of people who arent sharing with their families, she said.

Internet-based mom groups are also good options for someone who might not be able to pay dues for groups that meet in person, get their newborn out of the house, or ditch work for meetups.

A lot of people are posting at 3 a.m. to Facebook because theyre scared, theyre alone, theyre trying to decide, OK, this is a $300 copay. If I go to the ER in the middle of the night, it could end up being thousands. Should I wait until 9 a.m. when the doctors office opens and pay a lower amount? Quinlan said. Instead of shaming them [for not going to the ER right away], say what can I do to help you? What can I do to support you? Idont know whats happening in that rash picture [you shared on Facebook], but can I Venmo you $5 for a coffee because tomorrow is going to be a long day? What can we be doing to support each other in these crises and not shaming each other?

With social media and the internet, its easier now more than ever to find what youre looking for online, whether its a thyroid support group or a niche community that celebrates your favorite parenting style. It can be overwhelming digging through everything in between, but discovering a community that best suits your needs might make parenting feel a lot less daunting, and remind you that so many people are in the same boat. Quinlan told SheKnows that she learned more from some of these online groups than shed find in the pages of more traditional sources.

Some of these things are harder to find in medical textbooks or some of the pregnancy books, she said. I think theres a lot of space for a lot of people who have a lot of different experiences, and we need to talk about what those look like.

See the original post here:

Motherhood Has Never Been More Complicated Heres How to Simplify It - SheKnows