Late Night Is Thrilled Trumps Finally Listening to Someone – The New York Times

The solemnity of the day was in danger of being undermined by former President My Little Phony. Two weeks ago, he announced that at the time of the Capitol prayer service, he planned to deliver remarks doubling down on the big lie to counterprogram the remembrance events. Yeah, you cant let remembrance events go on without counterprogramming. The same reason at a funeral youve got to bring out an insult comic for the people who are glad the guys dead: [Imitating comic] John looks good. Its the first time Ive seen him stiff in years! Oh! His wife knows what Im talking about. Anyway, thats my time. His, too! Tip your pallbearers. STEPHEN COLBERT

It would be like Judas giving a speech to commemorate Good Friday: [Imitating Judas] Sure, its a sad day, but without me, none of this wouldve happened. The real crucifixion was on Nov. 3 Mary Magdalene knows what Im talkin about. Tip your Pharisees. STEPHEN COLBERT

Donald Trump is canceling an appearance and listening to advice from other people? Im worried about him. JAMES CORDEN

Republican senators said the press conference wasnt a good idea, so instead Trump will just spend a quiet day dancing to Y.M.C.A. at home. JAMES CORDEN

But according to The New York Timess Maggie Haberman, the real, real reason is that it was becoming clear he wasnt likely to get the live TV coverage he was hoping for. Well, that makes sense. Upstaging solemn events rarely gets good ratings. Thats why they canceled Dick Clarks Pearl Harbors Rockin Eve. STEPHEN COLBERT

In his statement regarding the cancellation, Trump referred to the insurrection as a completely unarmed protest and said he was moving the event from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona on Jan. 15.

Id like to point out that they were armed. And when did we start having to say unarmed protests? Protests are unarmed by default. Thats like saying: We had a lovely weekend. It was a totally bloodless cotillion. STEPHEN COLBERT

It makes sense that hes moving it from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona, considering their state motto: Arizona: Americas backup Florida. STEPHEN COLBERT

So, no press conference tomorrow, but Trump will speak at an Arizona rally on Jan. 15 instead, just as Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted. JAMES CORDEN

Theres an update in the world of Covid: Everyone in the world has Covid. STEPHEN COLBERT

Speaking of, the C.D.C. announced that after you isolate for five days with Covid, you should take a rapid test if you have access to one. You can read more about it in this months issue of Unhelpful Advice magazine. JIMMY FALLON

Thats right, another update from the C.D.C. Even Dr. Fauci is like, Oh, I muted those months ago. JIMMY FALLON

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Late Night Is Thrilled Trumps Finally Listening to Someone - The New York Times