Things You Only Know If You’re Childless – And Not By Choice – Grazia

It starts in earnest after Valentines Day. At least, thats when I notice it. However hard I try, I cant ignore the whirlwind of Mothers Day. Every shop window and every chalkboard is promoting it. And in doing so, they offer up the starkest reminder (as if one were needed) that this celebration is for mums... and Im not one. And at 40, having been through five gruelling cycles of IVF and grieved over four miscarriages, its unlikelier with each passing month that I ever will be.

Those experiences serve to make Mothers Day even harder to bear, because if the stars had aligned differently, my husband and I would be chasing around after our three kids and preparing for the arrival of our fourth child.

I dont resent mothers, nor do I begrudge them for being the subject of all this indulgence. Its only one day after all, despite the weeks of build-up. But being childless through circumstance has left a bitter taste. Aside from feeling bereft, its made me painfully aware of my otherness.

The messages society heaps on to women both subliminally and explicitly are that unless youve borne a child, youre less than, incomplete. My journey has been extremely difficult and relentless. Anyone whos travelled the road of infertility and unsuccessful fertility treatment knows that it chips away at you, bit by bit.

It strips you of all confidence, self-worth and purpose, and breaks you utterly. It deprives you of hope and leaves a shell of a person you dont recognise. You do your best to package it all up and put it to one side, so you can get on with life. And Im content, and I know Im blessed in countless ways.

So, every March, I brace myself. I avoid the high street. I stay off social media. I delete unsolicited and unwanted marketing emails.

But when Mothers Day comes around each year, it brings with it a not-so-subtle reminder that Im disenfranchised as a woman. All the grief and anger Ive accumulated trying to have a baby is thrown up in the air and falls down around me, like a game of pick-up sticks.

So, every March, I brace myself. I avoid the high street. I stay off social media. I delete unsolicited and unwanted marketing emails. That task is made easier by the likes of Bloom & Wild, the retailer that gave subscribers the choice to opt out of Mothers Day emails last year, and others that have followed suit. It helps women like me realise were not the only ones who find this day hard. It signals that were getting better at acknowledging that childlessness isnt always a choice; that not everyone who doesnt have kids is childfree by design.

This Mothers Day, Ill surround myself with my husband, my dogs and my own mum, who Im lucky to have. And Ill revel in the fact that, instead of once a year, I can enjoy a lie-in whenever I like.

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Things You Only Know If You're Childless - And Not By Choice - Grazia