Mothers Explain Why They Regret Having Kids In 30 Honest Posts – Bored Panda

More and more often do we hear about childfree people who opt for life without kids for various different reasons. And while the societal pressure to have babies is still going strong, women have been more vocal about their life choices.

What we dont hear that often is the other side of motherhood that challenges the accepted maternal response. But this is changing too, with more women than ever willing to open up about not being satisfied with motherhood in a way society expects them to. This doesn't mean its easyfar from that. Women who dare to challenge this explosive taboo and express their regrets are often called selfish, whining, and even bad moms.

Mothers who regret having children, what made you realize it? And how are you coping? someone recently asked a daring question on the Ask Women subreddit. It clearly hit a nerve for many women, who saw it as an opportunity to share their complex, yet very valid feelings about being a mom. The thread gives a much-needed perspective from women who question this decision thats too often taken for granted in our society.

I love my daughter (7). She is the most precious thing in my life.

But in recent years I have started to regret having a child. Not because of her. She is the most easy going sweet little girl you could ever meet.

Actually I regret having children because of whats going on in the world. I feel a SEVERE feeling of doom and anxiety when I think about her future. She will probably never be able to afford a house, will struggle with debt, climate change, scarce resources, growing inequality. I am truly terrified and I feel sooo sooo guilty. If I was childless today I would 100% for sure not have any child now. Despite loving being a mother, the growing despair I see everyday and knowledge things will only get worse on the next 30 years make me regret having children. I love her with all my heart, and I am sad this is the future she will have. I am sad I placed her in this situation. I know many many of my friends with children feel the same.

In terms of coping I try and do my bit, to make society better for her generation, but I know it wont be. I try and prepare her, support her by saving as much as I can for her (less than 30 GBP per month but ok, its all I can afford) to help her in future. To teach her about fairness and self reliance. But its a major stress in the back of my mind.

Acceptable_Fan_9066 , Juan Encalada Report

Im not a good mother. I care about them but I dont know how to raise them. They are raising themselves with me trying beside them. Generational trauma, insane pedofile bio dad/ex husband. I was too young and groomed.I traumatized my kids by my ignorance and I can keep trying to learn and grow. And help them. But damage is done. And I wish I could go back and fix me so I could help them but I cant. I will alway support them and when they want to yell at me in 10 years for everything and shut me out. I will get it. Because yeah. F**k man. Ill keep trying and Ive had them in therapy. And Im in therapy and Im learning. But yeah. I was to young and didnt know enough. I chose their sperm contributions badly.

j32571p7 , Mehrpouya H Report

I have two kids, well, now, they're legally adults but mentally they are still 2 years old. They are autistic, developmentally delayed, and have mental disorders to boot. I have gotten zero help from the state, trying to navigate this world is a nightmare. It doesn't help that the whole world is severely under prepared for an aging population, much less an aging disabled population. I regretted having them the second I found out that they wouldn't be able to care for themselves. I'm so scared for the day that I will have to put them in a home of some sort, because the likelihood of being sexually abused goes up 7x. They won't understand why they can't be at home much less what is happening to them. If I could go back in time I would've never had kids. None of us have any sort of life or friends. We just stay home everyday, each of us absorbed in the internet until we pass out and the next day starts again. It's horrible.

culps001 , Baptista Ime James Report

Bored Panda reached out to Corinne Maier, a French psychoanalyst, award-winning writer and the best-selling author of multiple books including her two famous ones that encouraged readers not to have children (No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children) and to unobtrusively slack off at their corporate job (Hello Laziness).

I think many women regret having children. Not all the time but at least from time to time, Maier told us. It used to be my case. Now my children are grown-ups, what a relief! The author added that for years I had been looking forward to the moment they would leave the family house and be independent.

What made me regret it? Finding out that everything our society tells women about pregnancy, childbirth and the challenges of raising kids is either an outright lie or totally glossed over so as not to discourage women from having children.

I was shocked to find out how many people were also knowingly complicit: doctors, nurses, older women around me, obviously religious people and men. "Sshh, don't tell them, they might change their mind." Every step of the way has been/is difficult or had/has some heavy challenge associated with it. There are no full disclosures to potential parents, even though the same parents experience of it (and ability to adapt and cope) will directly affect the child.

When I reached out to others for advice, the typical response was "Welcome to my world." What?! Really? You say you love me, but didn't actually warn me how much damage my body and life would take? "Oh, that's normal." Really? I've never seen that discussed honestly and in-depth in any documentary, informational video, or any woman's magazine. At most there is one tiny story, surrounded by lots of messages about how great it will be. This pisses me off to no end.

So, if I could go back, I would not do it. And this is coming from a mom of wonderful child. A child whom I ***have*** warned: "Having a child might ruin your lfe. Don't do it!"

AkuLives , freestocks Report

My mental health, all my coping energy is spent on kids so my mh takes a back burner. I'm in therapy but I had them before I found out my struggles are asd/adhd related and will be lifelong. I still work every day to try to make life easier, but 1 one my boys is nonverbal autistic and one I'm sure has asd but on a similar level to me so it's harder than I ever pictured motherhood

Sad-Teacher-1170 , Ashley Byrd Report

I thought my kids would save my life. You hear those stories where your kids give you a reason to love. I love them whole heartedly and they are incredible. But I still wake up every morning wishing I didnt wake up. No amount of therapy or medicine has ever changed my desire to no longer exist

dinahsaur523 , Zoe Report

Maier recounted: I had to push out of them who did not want to go away and I know all the tricks to get rid of big kids, I have written a book about that. The author also said that women pay a big price for raising children as far as money, career or freedom are concerned. Lets not forget that they still do 70% of the housework.

As much as I dont like admitting this, I regret having my second child (shes currently 9 months). I love her little face and she can be the cutest, but I was free (my oldest is 15). I got to the point where I didnt have to do much. My teen is independent and we were slowly transitioning to a friends(ish) type of relationship. Now, Im starting back at the beginning and Im all alone again, because my partner works so much. Theres not a day that goes by where I dont say I hate my life at least once. The really sucky part is Im about to go back to work, so on top of being the primary caregiver/homemaker, Im going to work 40 hours a week. Im 42 so Ill be in my 50s before this one is truly independent. Im trapped and theres nothing I can do but grin and bear it, and hope I dont have a nervous breakdown.

simply_c Report

I was a mother of three. The things that are often mentioned about lack of sleep, autonomy, money etc. are all valid. And they last much, much longer than you expect and they can drive you to near suicide at times. Especially when the second comes along and you're still not getting nearly enough sleep but now you have two on completely different schedules. But they do end, eventually.

But, and this is a big but, my biggest regret is my youngest, because she died at age 6. She had a brain tumour which made her blind and adversely affected her behaviour and she consumed my time and energy completely. Her loss nearly destroyed our family. I would not know the pain that I still feel if she had not been born, and I would not experience the guilt of feeling that things, on a practical level anyway, are now easier without her.

rollouttheredcarpet Report

I really do sometimes enjoy my son.

But, having him has tied me to an abuser for the next 14.5 years. He still gets to abuse me.

And sometimes I just need quiet time that I cant get.

I cant move. I have a relationship thats long distance and I want to move in with him. I want to leave my state regardless.

But since I have this kid - I cant.

Coping? Im ignoring the problem and hoping I dont come to resent my son.

zuklei , Many Wonderful Artists Report

Moreover, Maier argues that society is very severe towards women who say they regret having children. It is not something that is accepted. So nobody dares to say it. A lot of women even reject the thought - it is a shame not to be soooo happy all the time with your child.

Women are supposed to be delighted to give birth and take care of a small child, even if it is very boring, especially for educated and emancipated women who are used to doing interesting things in their lives (friends, culture, meaningful work...), the psychoanalyst explained.

I love my son, who is 4 next month. I love him so very much.

But I regret having him because I like sleep too much, and days like today where he wakes up at 4am and then doesn't sleep again until 8pm because he doesn't nap anymore... Days when all he does is scream and cry at me. He gets his impatience from me, his anger from me, his sensitivity from me, his attitude from me... He's a perfect reflection of myself and I HATE it. I had a confusing childhood when I was growing up, and it's mentally scarred me so badly that the only way I "remember' my childhood is from my mum telling me her memories of it.

Of course, he makes me laugh too! Children are the funniest people on the planet. He gives nice cuddles, he's sweet when he's not screaming, he's kind, he shares well, he kisses me on the cheek, comforts me when I'm sad...

But I regret having him because I am not going to be the mother he deserves, ever. I'm on anti-depressants but no amount of therapy can actually help me. I feel lost.

TeganNotSoVegan , Bruno Nascimento Report

When my daughter turned 17 and stopped speaking to me I regretted putting her first her entire life. I think if I was wealthy shed pretend to care about me now (shes early 20s). But Im not, so Im worthless to her. I derailed my entire life for her. Her dad wanted to abort her and I made her entire life possible. And I thought I made it as good as I could. But whatever it was she needed was not something I could give, which isnt her fault but her behavior now is. I dont feel like I even got a chance with her.

I cope by thinking about her in the past tense, making peace with her being gone. Whoever she is now is a stranger to me. I havent seen her in years.

Its not a good feeling. I have a step kid who still visits and my son loves me so I guess thats a lot more than most people get and I value them so much. I try to focus on them.

spandexcatsuit , Eric Ward Report

I odd in that I have grandchildren without ever having had children. I married a woman with two grown children (17 & 21) and now I'm a grandfather of 3 granddaughters.

Witnessing what I have as a grandfather has made my decision to have a vasectomy at 27 the single best one of my entire life. I am waaaaay to selfish with my time and money, and it would have totally ruined my marriage to have kids of our own.

dramboxf Report

I didn't realize that a maternal instinct is not universal. You know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy? I felt nothing. Honestly, I could have left them at the hospital and it wouldn't have bothered me. I usually have no desire to spend time with them at all. I love them and have a strong sense of duty I just don't enjoy them or want to do any of the things they do. However I spent their whole lives going out of my way to care for them in every way a good mother should. My boys are well cared for and I am always here for them, but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable. It is a bit like a retail job you don't like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can. I don't get to leave this job, though. The worst is how I'm demonized for it. I've done eveverything I can for them for 16 years including all the extra curriculars (kids baseball is agonizing to fake enjoy I swear) and it has never been easy. Shouldn't I get more credit than those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids? That doesn't sound hard to me. Nope..I fail because I want my own life.

Alien_Nicole Report

I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses. It's even harder when you're a strong introvert. It's driven me into on again/off again depression. I've been on medication since our first one was born. The 2nd one was a stupid mistake (plan B also didn't work). I've since got a vasectomy, although I should've gotten one after the 1st was born. Stuck with an infant and a toddler now. I'm also a father who stays at home, so that comes with its own societal bullshit. I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like "It's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping." Go f**k yourself.

level 1 [deleted] Report

I regret being part of generational trauma where the hurts hang ups and hangups of one generation damage the next generation. I was damaged by my parents. I was not able to talk it out with my parents and feel forgiveness for them and move on. My hurts hang ups and habits caused me to pick a troubled husband with infertility issues. We had children after many trials and much expense and divorced when they were of age. . One grown child has several mental health issues, does not work, and is hard to talk to. I love that child deeply. The other grown child has detached from me and the other family members.i love that child so much. As a divorced woman I realized my regrets especially on holidays. My ex and I worked so hard and sacrificed so much so the kids could have love and braces and education, activities, health care and trips and all of it, but now I spend holidays alone. The kids don't seem happy. They don't want to get together with me. No one says I love you to me. No hugs or feelings like it was all worth it.

SmoothieForlife , Abbie Bernet Report

Because kids aren't the life completer we believe they are. Actually they take away from your quality of life daily. My kids are 13 and 11 and they STILL mess up my daily life. Worst of all is I love them so much I couldn't do without them even though they disturb my peace all the time. I do not reccomend having children. Maybe one but not necessary. We perpetuate the species needlessly.

Uniqueusername121 Report

All you need is a special needs kid to think something along the lines of "I wouldn't want him to die or anything, but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently."

meoka2368 , Kelli McClintock Report

I have a preschooler.

Things I dont like: cant go anywhere alone. Cant have quiet time to myself unless theyre sleeping. Always being touched. Always being asked to do things that they cant do on their own. Having to do daily care tasks for them like bathing & making meals. Always worried theyre going to do something bad when Im not looking & get hurt. Not being able to move because I dont have family or friends to help. I only have their dad & his family.

Things I do like: their laugh. Cuddles at bed time. Experiencing their imagination. Sharing funny things together. Hearing about their day. Hugs. Teaching them how to be a good person. Imagining how theyll be as they get older.

I regret having a kid and I realized it once I became single and had to do these things on my own. I couldnt leave them with the dad anymore. Im just waiting it out and hoping it gets better once theyre able to be home alone for a couple hours.

Longjumping-Ask-2122 , Kelly Sikkema Report

I regret having my son more than I dont. I love him. I want to not regret having him. However, I have anxiety, depression and ADHD. I cannot multitask, I dont deal well with loud noises or lots of different noises at once, Ive always struggled if I get less than 8 hours sleep, and I constantly second guess my decisions as a parent. Im an exclusively single mother, so no back-up/second parent. Im exhausted most days.

So how I cope- Im in therapy weekly, I try to raise my son to be independent (instead of always reliant on me), I tell my son when I need quiet time and I try to take it maybe an hour a day on weekends. I have a babysitter come once a week so i have a night to myself. (Im an introvert so I dont need to always go out with others, but need time to myself.) My therapist mentioned focusing on little positive things. I struggle to understand the phrase children are a blessing so my therapist works with me on finding little moments that are positive and celebrating those instead of focusing on the overarching big negative things. I also try not to worry about the future (mine, my sons, how he will do in life) because focusing on this isnt helpful. It isnt perfect and every day is still hard, but I think Im moving towards a happier place.

ETA: its probably also relevant that my work profession has one of the highest suicide rates and is also very mentally draining. I love what I do and feel that I am good at it, but it is grueling.

DogDrJones , Vladislav Muslakov Report

I wasn't ready to stop being selfish. I'm only two years in so it's still the intense stage, but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting. I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me, definitely killed any semblance of spontaneity in my life.

camelican , Kinga Cichewicz Report

Honestly, I'm not a good mother. I'm not as abusive as my own, but I still didn't have the tools and knowledge needed to be a good parent. I was 16, and though I tried, I simply fell very short and became an alcoholic. My kids have dealt with a lot from me the past 3-4 years so I'm just trying to give them thier space and live their lives, while I continue to struggle with mine. I love them, they are incredible human beings, but if I'd been older maybe I'd have done better. I can't remove the trauma I've inflicted on them, but hopefully I can stop making it. I fear so much them having their own (all cis daughter's, as far as I know.) Will I also be a disappointment as a grandmother? Will they let me in my grandchildren's lives? Do I want to be? As well as the anxiety I have as a millennial? Is it even wise for them to have children? Wait do they thank that and then wont? Will there even be a future for them? My girls have all made it to "adulthood" without becoming pregnant, and I'm morbidly proud of that. First generation non teen moms. Sorry this question triggered me a bit, I miss them on this holiday, and I've been drinking. But that's the truth, I regret so much, but not their existence.

Edit, cause...

throwglu , Louis Hansel Report

Two friends of mine had a kid together. This is exactly what they told me. Nothing spontanious happens anymore, everything has to be planned and as a result of that, they are never invited to anything anymore, because they cant come anyway. Now that I type this I realise I am having a BBQ with my (other) friends tonight and didnt even bother to invite them (out of politness) because I know they cant make it anyway

Alwin_ , Vincent Keiman Report

I had a miscarriage after an accidental pregnancy at 16 and was so depressed for a year, me and my boyfriend (at the time, now husband) decided to try for another one. I am still thinking wtf was I thinking!? I love love love my son (now 5) and my daughter whos turning 2 in the summer but oh my god I should have waited. I missed out on a lot and my teenage brain thought it would be easy or something. In the back of my mind I knew it would be hard but I thought it couldnt be that hard. I also struggle with many mental health issues which do not help; anxiety, depression, ptsd, add, autism and so it is a struggle!! Especially with very active kids I would love to just sleep all day again like the summer when I was 15, it was probably the last time I was mostly mentally ok and felt free. I still dream about it a lot, I think it may be an escape from the stress and guilt of having my babies before I was ready to be a mama. I still try my hardest to give them a better childhood than I had though. Also I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant with my first after my second I am now 201 and its so uncomfortable and makes me not want to leave my house. Ive always been able to lose weight quick but something about my second pregnancy made my body stop losing weight. I still do everything I did before she was born and it feels impossible. There should be better sex Ed in America.

cshl00 , Fa Barboza Report

Destroyed marriage via:

Forget passionate love make (it becomes a chore) when kids start walking

The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely

The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either

Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...

Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).

That's for the marriage bit.

Then there's work/life balance which goes out the f**king door. The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED with home/kids problems. Have that for years...

I love my kids, I'd STILL have them, but there are sacrifices people are not prepared for. I've seen marriages destroyed, homes destroyed, I've seen mental breakdowns, drugs usage, etc...

ethics , Charlie Foster Report

I love my daughter so much.

But I'm not a good mother. I have so many of my own problems -- fibromyalgia, C-PTSD, can barely work, no degree and certainly no real career -- and she has so many of her own -- ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder, and probably autism too -- that raising her is so very difficult. I'm at my wit's end just trying to do baseline stuff, like work and clean the house and cook, and then add on all of our appointments and the fact that just talking to her can be an ordeal, never mind parenting her.

I have no idea how I can raise her to be a functioning adult, and let alone survive raising her. This week itself has already been a nightmare, an utter, utter nightmare. My depression and anxiety have gotten severe again, so much that my s*icid*l ideation is back (I was discharged from therapy in 2020 because I was coping so well, and now I'm not again).

That's not even counting the fact that it's a terrible time in history to have kids. I don't even know what her world is going to look like when she graduates from high school in ten years.

I love kids and babies, and I wanted a big family. I'm dying on the inside that my brother is having a baby with his wife and I shouldn't/won't/can't have one with my fiance (not my daughter's bio dad, which was an abusive POS). I'm grieving over what life has taken from me in so many ways, and I'm just struggling to survive at this point.

*sighs*

Adventureous , Tanaphong Toochinda Report

My daughter was born mentally disabled. I alway tell myself it could be worse, that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs... thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone. She will be institutialized and abused probably.

Habanero10 , Susana Coutinho Report

I am struggling with constant anxiety and stress from work spilling over into my few hours at home and making us all miserable. My boys are at the age where they are ruining EVERYTHING in the house I rent. Its going to cost me thousands to repair it before we move. We dont struggle for money, but only because I work constantly. I put way to much responsibility on my oldest daughter despite having a full time nanny. I feel like Im losing control of everything, and a deep depression is setting in. Constantly fighting thoughts of just giving up.

WayTooWavyRider , Kostiantyn Li Report

They spend all your resources. Eat all your food. Loud as f**k all the time. Having a child costs a lot of money. You can't just do what you want anymore, you need permission from who ever is going to watch your child.

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Mothers Explain Why They Regret Having Kids In 30 Honest Posts - Bored Panda