Deciding whether to have kids or not is hard, but there is a way forward – ABC News

I struggled with how to start this story, and maybe it's no surprise given I'm paralysed by the very thing it's about: whether or not to have a baby.

As friends welcome newborns, deal with infertility or proudly announce they want to live childfree, I wonder how do they know?

I'm baby-curious, if you like. But what once felt like the freedom of choice has at 34 become something I worry about every day.

It's been a relatively private torment until I started hearing from other women experiencing the same anxiety of indecision while writing about people who are childfree by choice.

"There are a lot of people who are undecided, but there is not a lot of permission to speak those words," says Ann Davidman, a marriage and family therapist from California who has been helping men and women make a call about parenthood since the '90s.

"People will say they feel tortured by not knowing and not knowing how to move forward when it appears everyone else seems to just know."

I am still in limbo despite lots of soul searching, Deep and Meaningfuls with my partner, quizzing mum friends, and reading plenty of books and articles.

But I did learn a thing or two from speaking to Ms Davidman and a perinatal psychologist about the ways you can move forward when you're unsure.

When I speak to Ms Davidman, I tell her this decision has been weighing on me for years.

"It breaks my heart when I hear about people spending so much time trying to sort this out," she says.

Ms Davidman co-authored a bookwithDenise L. Carlini,Motherhood Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step to Clarity,and describes herself as a "motherhood clarity mentor".

Skye will give birth to her first child in the coming days and is looking forward to meeting her "little one". Motherhood though? Not so much.

Typically, she works with clients for three months, a timeframe she says leaves most with enough clarity to make a decision.

"Sometimes I get a picture of their baby a year later. Sometimes I get a picture of their dog," she says.

According to Ms Davidman, the problem for me (and commonly others) could be I'm not working out what I want before I concentrate on what I'm going to do. It's why many of us feel unable to move forward.

"I am always making a distinction between what someone wants and what their decision is going to be. They are not always the same. Also often people are stuck because they think about the two together."

What about you? How have you made a choice about parenthood, or what are the things that help while you're dealing with indecision? Let's chat life@abc.net.au.

In her Australian perinatal psychology practice, clinical psychologist Bronwyn Leigh sees women and men unsure or nervous about parenthood.

They often have two questions.

We all want to be good mums and dads, but Dr Leigh says it can be more difficult for people who have issues with their own parents especially their mothers.

"That can tend to leave people in a more vulnerable position to feel they can't cope with being a parent themselves," she says.

There are a range of other fears and external influences that can cloud your choice around becoming a parent.

Dr Leigh says it's helpful to consider how a baby will change your life.

"The reality is there are lots of adjustments to make in having a baby, and it is important to make those otherwise one doesn't cope very well when baby arrives," she says.

"Think about how your lifestyle and relationships will change."

With that said, Ms Davidman warns against making lists of pros and cons.

"It's not a process of pros and cons, it's really looking at motherhood, looking at what you want for you," she says.

Clickable headlines for me include: "Why I regret becoming a mother." "Childfree life is the good life." "Becoming a mum is the best thing I ever did."

But Ms Davidman believes research is only beneficial if you do it the right way. And hearing about other people's parenting or childfree experiences might not be it.

"Asking people questions doesn't help you discover what is true for you.

"If you do interview people, ask them what their process was of making a decision you may learn something from that."

From feeling judged to public yelling matches, seven straight-shooting parents share the hardest part about parenting.

Dr Leigh says while I've been researching it intellectually, I should also be looking at it emotionally and psychologically too.

"By all means do all the research on Google, but one has to think psychologically about how would I go transitioning into parenthood and giving up certain aspects of my life?

"What might it be like to have a baby? What would be difficult about that? What would I like?

"Use reflective questions around trying to preview in part what it would be like."

She also recommends hanging out with parents and babies. It's one thing I've been doing right so far.

I asked both experts if there was something to be said for not making a call leaving things up to time and fate and all that jazz.

They said that was still making a decision of some kind, but maybe not the best one.

"If you want to let time or something outside of you decide for you, that is a choice," says Ms Davidman.

Dr Leigh says it would be a passive decision and it's often better to have made an active one.

"If you have made a concerted decision and pursued that, you can hold onto that in time when you feel wobbly."

Something that could come in handy no matter what you choose.

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My next step?

Ms Davidman says I should first accept it's OK to be unsure.

"When we are caught at any crossroads and we're not making headway, we need to take a step back accept it's OK to not to know," she says.

It's comforting to hear that neither choice is wrong or right.

Dr Leigh says while speaking to someone might not help you decide, it can help you feel supported whether that's a professional or someone you trust.

In my quest for answers over the years I came across an advice column on the topic, by Cheryl Strayed. It's something I've come back to it when I've felt lost. One line that stands out?

"There will likely be no clarity there will only be the choice you make and the sure knowledge that either one will contain some loss."

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Deciding whether to have kids or not is hard, but there is a way forward - ABC News