Childfree: Why these couples are choosing not to have children

Normal text sizeLarger text sizeVery large text size

For as long as anyone can remember, the Australian domestic dream has been depicted as a couple with 2.4 kids and a white picket fence. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, however, not only is one in four households already child-free in 2022, but its predicted that between next year and 2029, the number of couples living without children will overtake the number of couples who have kids.

Not to be confused with childlessness (childless by circumstance), the reasons couples are increasingly opting out of parenthood are varied. One study by Melbournes Deakin University found a lack of maternal instinct was common among respondents who didnt want children, yet a desire for independence and career opportunity, overpopulation and climate change pop up regularly in other surveys.

What does a life look like when you choose to remain childfree? Three couples share their journeys.

Trudie McConnochie, a 42-year-old freelance writer and editor, and her husband Matthew (surname withheld), a 42-year-old analyst, had their parenthood conversation soon after they met.

Trudie McConnochie says that for her and her husband Matthew, the benefits to living childfree have been immeasurable.

Matthew and I had the baby conversation on our third date. Maybe it was a little premature, but because we met when we were 36, I was aware that I couldnt be in a long-term relationship with a man who wanted something I knew wasnt for me. I also didnt want to take that away from someone who really wanted it. Fortunately, Matthew had already made the decision independently that fatherhood wasnt for him. I was thrilled to discover we were on the same page about what life for us could look like as a couple. We married 18 months ago.

Like most women of my generation, I spent my childhood and even my teen years assuming I would have children one day, because that was the societal expectation placed on us. It was only when I went to uni and became friends with someone older who said she wasnt going to have children that I realised I had a choice. Hearing her say that was such a revelation for me because until that point, I didnt realise you could opt out. That conversation got me thinking about what I wanted my future to look like, and the more I thought about it, the more I understood on a deep level that motherhood simply wasnt for me.

Loading

The best way to articulate it is that it isnt a conscious decision; I certainly didnt make a list of pros and cons about finances, property or career projection. Its an intuitive call, a knowing.

When youre of childbearing age, there are plenty of people out there who feel entitled to interrogate you on what youre planning on doing with your reproductive organs and then make judgments based on your response. No matter how often I explained that my life choices werent a condemnation of their life choices, people seemed threatened by my less-than-conventional path. Theres also an idea that if you dont want to have children of your own and youre happily married, you mustnt like children very much. We love kids and adore our nieces, but just because we love spending time with them doesnt mean we want that for ourselves.

Im conscious of the fact that an increasing number of younger women are opting out of motherhood, and I can understand why. I cant say whats wrong or right for anyone else, but for Matthew and me, the benefits to living childfree have been immeasurable.

We have plenty of time to devote to creative projects and to travel. Theres so much more wed like to do and see.

Having met at a young age, Tenille Williams, a 35-year-old business owner, and Jamie Williams, a 33-year-old metal fabricator, were thrilled to discover they were on the same page where children were concerned.

Its incredibly offensive, says Tenille Williams of peoples criticism of her decision not to have children. But by the time you get to your mid-30s, you just learn to live with it, she says.

Perhaps its because we got together so young [the couple met in high school and have been together for 18 years], but Jamie and I never had to have any of those awkward should we or shouldnt we? conversations when it came to starting a family. As soon as I realised we were serious about each other, I told him that I never wanted to have children and said it would be a deal breaker for us if he did. Luckily, Jamie agreed and weve never looked back. Weve been happily married for 15 years.

Loading

I knew motherhood wasnt for me from an early age, but when you make that kind of declaration in your teenage years, people tend to dismiss it. I cant tell you how many times I was on the receiving end of comments like, Youre too young to know what you want and, Youll get clucky when youre older. Now we hear things like, You dont know what real love is until you have children. Its incredibly offensive, but by the time you get to your mid-30s, you just learn to live with it.

I get asked all the time why were staying childfree, but I guess it really all comes down to the fact that we couldnt think of one good reason to have children. Over the years, Ive seen so many women and men struggle with the realities of parenthood, and quite a few seem to lose sight of who they used to be before they had children. I get the feeling it would be bad for our mental health. The environment also comes into play; considering what weve witnessed over the last few years with climate change and the pandemic, it reinforces our belief that were better off not bringing children into this world.

There are plenty of benefits to not having kids. Obviously, we have more time to enjoy together as a couple, more time for fun, hobbies and travel, and the ability to keep discovering who we are as individuals. We can also focus on building our careers and finances without having to worry about anyone else. I know full well that had we gone the traditional road, I would have been a stay-at-home mum and my options would have been limited.

Despite all the changes that have been made in society over the past few decades, its almost always the mums who have to shoulder most of the burden of looking after the family, and that doesnt sound like the greatest deal to me. I really cant imagine a world where were happier with children than without them.

Mindful of the strain children would put on her health, 27-year-old disability advocate and author Zoe Simmons and her partner (name withheld), a 28-year-old carpenter, have decided that childfree is best for them.

I know, deep within my core, that the added responsibility of a child would put a strain on my mental health, and that kind of life is not fair on anybody, says Zoe Simmons. Credit:Emma Veness Photography

Ive battled mental health issues bipolar disorder and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but last year I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a nerve disorder that causes debilitating pain, extreme fatigue and cognitive issues. I also have adenomyosis, which causes abdominal pain worse than a broken bone. Theyre pieces of a puzzle which allow me to make the following point: how can I ever successfully look after another human if I have difficulty managing my own body and mind?

Id already decided before Id started experiencing agonising pain that motherhood would never be for me. When I started voicing my intention to live a childfree life, I was told I would change my mind as I got older, but my resolve has only strengthened.

To my partners credit, he never questioned my decision at the beginning and wholeheartedly agrees with us remaining kid-free. He can see how difficult things are for me. Some days I use mobility aids and struggle to get more than one thing done. If I work, I cant cook or clean and if I clean, Im wiped out for any other activity. If I got pregnant, I wouldnt be able to have my usual medication for a long period of time and Id be so incredibly sick Id have to give up my career as well.

Loading

Im not saying disabled people shouldnt have children many do, and parent brilliantly. Its just not something I want to put myself through. I know, deep within my core, that the added responsibility of a child would put a strain on my mental health, and that kind of life is not fair on anybody.

There is an argument from some of my generation that theres no point in having kids when the world is such a mess, and I get that. But I also think its cool for switched-on parents to raise a generation who can bring new perspectives and undo the bind were in.

Im choosing to make my difference by my advocacy work so that other peoples children dont have to face the same battles weve faced in thepast and continue to face today. As a speaker I want to do more on the healthcare circuit, do more advocacy as a journalist and author, and Im considering a move into politics so that I can help engineer more meaningful changes. Without kids, Im able to do more, to be of more service to the community. Thats my baby.

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.

Original post:

Childfree: Why these couples are choosing not to have children