The insider guide to the most secret Caribbean island of them all – Telegraph.co.uk

There are few places in the world where the greatest hazard on the roads is presented by copulating tortoises. But on the island of Mustique, during the hot and humid days of summer, they are such a feature that the publishing magnate and island regular, Felix Dennis, erected a giant statue of a couple mid-coitus on the islands main crossroads.

On my most recent trip , swerving to avoid one of these proliferating amphibians, I nearly wiped out the head of conservation, coming round a blind corner in the opposite direction. An appreciation of the ironic is important here, as are the supersized bonking tortoises, who provide a landmark since signposts are considered an invasion of privacy. They are also a fitting testament to the eccentric nature of Mustique itself.

Leased from the St Vincent government half a century ago (recently renewed for another 50 years), here you will find rock stars turned wildlife campaigners housing orphaned possums in their beachside sheds; world-renowned artists teaching a Sunday painting class; members of the Gates family dancing barefoot to calypso; and not a single request for a selfie when Mick Jagger and Tommy Hilfiger turn up for a drink at the stylish weekly Cotton House cocktails.

Its a community ripe for satire but which also summons respect for its continued adherence to the founding values of former owner Colin Tennant, 3rd Baron Glenconner, as an exclusive oasis where discretion and privacy are the most valuable commodities. Once you set foot on its hallowed ground, the welcome is warm and irresistible. But be warned, although there are few rules here, they are generally only visible once you have broken them!

Writing about Mustique is a risky business, as you never know who you might offend. Like the omnipresent tortoises brought here decades ago as pets, the homeowners, too, are imports and run the gamut from oligarchs to old money, celebrity to aristocracy.

In a world of social media, Mustiques continued secrecy is quite an achievement but like any small community, gossip is what fuels any stay. Youll find liberal servings at the Cotton House, where homeowners and hotel guests mingle over pre-lunch rum punch, an island fuel that also has anecdote-erasing properties.

These days, conservation and a significant charitable trust, which raised over 4million in a matter of days to provide urgent relief to the victims of the recent St Vincent volcanic eruption, have become priorities.

Indeed, the aforementioned head of conservation, a Trinidadian called Nakita, has done sterling work regenerating coral reefs, with 90 per cent of the coral returned to the sea on vast trees made of metal bars, and now flourishing.

Follow me below on a day in the life of this eccentric Caribbean idyll...

Despite the stream of globally renowned stars and billionaires that pass through Basils Bar, the iconic waterside wooden bar (and the islands most famous venue) sitting on stilts over the turquoise waters of the harbour is a flat shoes and beachcover-up environment. I once made the mistake of overpacking, but now have given in to the daily uniform of a cotton dress and flip-flops. And while the original stardust continues with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, along with the likes of Bono and, erm, Jeremy Clarkson all beneficiaries of the islands Chatham House-styled charms most returnees do so because there are few places on Earth where they barely raise a glance.

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The insider guide to the most secret Caribbean island of them all - Telegraph.co.uk