Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway – The Onion

NEW YORKWorried he would never be able to escape the aftereffects of his rigorous religious upbringing, local ex-Catholic Brock Lastra told reporters Tuesday that he still felt a twinge of guilt every time he masturbated on the subway. I know its not logical, but when I start to pleasure myself on the Q train, I become overwhelmed by this haunting feeling that what Im doing is wrong, said Lastra, who confirmed that despite not having stepped foot inside a church in nearly 20 years, he was still haunted by the memory of his priests stern face any time he so much as thought of whipping out his penis on a crowded car during the morning commute. I wish I could just relax and enjoy it, but I guess my childhood really fucked me up. Its definitely affected my ability to perform, tooa lot of women get mad at me. Who knows, maybe this is something I can solve by masturbating at therapy. At press time, Lastra added that as an atheist, he knew God wasnt really watching him, but he wished He were.

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Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway - The Onion