Post Cut Depression scourge of golfers everywhere

Warning signs you are about to miss a cut: Your caddy is much more interested in waving to a good sort in the crowd than he is in helping you plan the master stroke that will get you soaring up the leaderboard

By Larry Canning

THE effects of missing the cut have been in the headlines of late and I feel I can speak with some credibility on Post Cut Depression or PCD. I thought Id share my experiences on the subject and try and help some of my less experienced Aussie colleagues.

This nasty affliction can turn a perfectly normal golfer into an untidy, alcohol fuelled self-absorbed man in the space of only a few hours if left untreated.

Common effects of PCD are the sudden urge to ask anyone in the street Do you know who I am? Sometimes this can just be the result of forgetting yourself after 19 beers but usually it comes from the loss of self-confidence which comes when at least 60 blokes just smacked your arse.

Another symptom is multiple hallucinations. I remember missing the cut in the Australia Open one year and as I walked out of the locker room, I swore I saw three French People Smugglers come at me with the intent of piling me into a golf cart and selling me into sexual slavery.

I even rang my mum, then handed the phone to one of my assailants. Mum told him she had a very specific set of skills and she would find them . then remove their genitals. Turned out it was only a small bump on my head I received with a sand-wedge after I told my caddy he wasnt going to be paid that week either.

I again finished just one short of a weekend jersey in the Thailand Open in the 1980s and fell fowl of an evil pick pocket. This mongrel waited until I was at my most vulnerable then pounced. I was standing at the trough in a Bangkok restaurant taking a well-earned leak when this evil human took advantage of my susceptibility and ripped off my travellers cheques from my back pocket! Well what could I do? By the time I had turned off the hose and wound it back, he was halfway to Singapore!

I was that upset and confused, I thought I had gone to the Cop Station and reported the crime to a Police Officer. Turned out I had mistakenly gone to a strip club and given my statement to a pole dancer.

For the uninitiated the onset of PCD usually begins around the 10th or 11th tee on Friday. The first thing you feel is the need to take far less time checking your yardages and a lot more time checking how much cash you have left in your wallet.

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Post Cut Depression scourge of golfers everywhere