‘How I cope after losing a dad to suicide and a mum during the pandemic’ – Wales Online

A daughter who lost her dad to suicide and whose mother died during the pandemic has opened up about coping with grief.

Jess Childs was only 24 years old when her dad Paul took his own life.

A 54-year-old farmer from Powys, his death in 2006 was as sudden as it was unexpected.

Now, 16 years later and just months after the passing of Jess' mother following delays in cancer treatment due to the coronavirus pandemic, the mother-of-two has published a children's book about dealing with grief and loss.

Speaking about the time surrounding her father's death, Jess, from Machen, said: "I was just at the beginnings of life, I had just met my husband, we had just moved in together and I was just trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

"It was a pretty seismic event in that sense as I was just getting going and this came along.

"There's a difference, I think, in the way you grieve a suicide for example than when you grieve somebody that has perhaps been ill for a while or that you have some anticipation of.

"When it happened to us we had no idea that my dad was even depressed let alone that this was going to happen, it was like a bolt out of the blue. I think even in the 16 years in between there is a lot more talk about mental health. It's ongoing, the conversation around it, but back then it wasn't as prevalent. It's a very different way to grieve someone because it's more complicated."

Describing her father, Jess added: "We had a great relationship. I was the only girl, I was the youngest so I suppose I was a bit of a daddy's girl but he was just a very calming, assuring influence in your life.

"We had a great relationship, he was just a lovely man and a great dad to all three of us siblings.

"We had a really happy childhood and happy family life until it happened and that was part of my reasoning to get this book into print as it could happen to anybody."

Last week, Jess' debut book Ivy and the Rock was published.

Based around a little girl and her special rock, the events are based off a poem Jess wrote for her father's funeral.

While the idea behind it has been months in the making, its timing is also poignant after the loss of Jess' mother Olwen in November at 71 years old.

While Olwen had been diagnosed with cancer five years previously, ultimately delays in treatment due to the coronavirus pandemic accelerated her passing.

A former primary school teacher, Olwen had also tested positive for Covid-19 before her death.

Jess said: "I wrote a poem to read at [my dad's] funeral which was essentially autobiographical, it was about this little girl and a rock being at the centre of the garden.

"I did this poem about how the rock was at the centre of my garden and one day someone came and told me the rock had rolled away and that I was bereft.

"When I went to see the crater that the rock had left behind I realised that the garden had grown up around me during that time, with beautiful blooms, and that I had built my house in the garden. I realised the garden was rooted beneath the rock all that time.

"It was my way of saying that nobody expected this, it was completely unexpected and yes I've lost my father but I realise that a lot of what I have now I have to thank him for that. He's threaded throughout my life and still is."

Paying tribute to her mother, Jess added: "She was a primary school teacher throughout her career so she absolutely loved children. She taught special needs children as well which is an extra layer of dedication I think, she'd do individual education plans for her pupils.

"She was just fascinated by the kids I think, and would always be thinking of ways to help them develop and learn. She was just besotted."

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As someone dealing with loss during a pandemic, Jess knows first-hand how an already-difficult time has become only more impossible.

With family and friends unable to come together to remember and celebrate as well as to say goodbye, she hopes her book can help both children and adults in some way.

Jess, 39, said: "I've had friends that have lost people in similar circumstances and we've agreed that it's not a normal time to lose somebody. It's very complicated, how you organise a funeral, for example. Having an invite list for a funeral is a really hard thing to do because how do you decide who can come and say goodbye?

"I found that hard with mum, not being able to celebrate her life as fully we would have liked.

"With children who are affected at the moment it's more likely be a parent, or someone significant coming into the room to say this person has gone but there won't have been any visiting in the lead up to that person passing, for example, if they're in hospital or otherwise really.

"There may not be the opportunity to actually go to the funeral of that person and go through the process of letting them go. So hopefully if the book helps on that level that would be great."

Reflecting on coping with her mother's death, she added: "You have this huge sense of responsibility that you want to steer your children through. It's not just about making sure that you're okay and your partner is okay and your siblings, it's also about making sure your children okay and helping them to understand you a bit more as well. It's just generally trying to prepare them for something that is inevitable."

As a debut author, Jess's book was inspired to publish her work after reading existing children's books about death and loss.

Described as a book of "big issues for little people", it tackles real-life themes including depression, self-esteem and more.

Jess said: "It's something you could give to somebody when perhaps they are younger but the sentiment of it is something I think you could keep through the rest of your life.

"It's written so children of all ages can take something from it.

"We had a few kids books that people recommended when we knew mum wasn't going to make it and they were really helpful but a lot seemed to focus on the process of explaining death to a child. It seemed to focus on the person that was leaving and what I wanted was to create was something that would help the reader understand or maybe acknowledge what that loss means to them and how they are going to take that forward with them.

She added: "At the end of the book Ivy goes to the crater and realises that the rock has been looking after the roots of her world for all this time. She's devastated but she walks back down the path and goes to her own house. That was quite important to me, it is about equipping children or the next generation with the tools that they need to take whatever happens to them in life forward, and deal with it and understand there is life after death.

"You have to move forward, you have to grow.

"The journey I went on after my dad died was quite a significant journey of personal growth and there some were good things I found out about myself as well as bad."

With a further two Ivy adventures already written, Jess has also launched a website which she hopes will help families affected by bereavement and other real-life issues with downloadable resources, among other things.

More information on Ivy And The Rock and a range of free resources for children can be found at http://www.bigissuesforlittlepeople.co.uk

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'How I cope after losing a dad to suicide and a mum during the pandemic' - Wales Online