The Ferguson Report: Fake news you can trust – The New Daily

ACTING PRIME MINISTER CAUGHT ACTING LIKE A PRIME MINISTER

While PM Scott Morrison holidays in an undisclosed Hawaii, acting Prime Minister Michael McCormack has gotten into strife comparing the January 6 attack on the US Capitol with margarine.

Nutter is better than Marge, he said.

These are unfortunate events, said McCormack. Many people dont remember how you rode the horse; they remember how you dismount the horse.

This sparked a horserace riot.

The Ultra-National Party leaders comments outraged Amnesty International and other inner-city finger-knitting Arts students.

Meanwhile, McCormack has remained staunchly behind (and a little to the right) of Liberal goose-stompers Craig Kelly and George Christensen.

After disseminating non-information about the US election and hydroxychloroquine hair tonic, these two Sky News hopefuls have been accused of sharing ludicrous codswallop and other fish recipes.

The Acting PM said, Facts are sometimes contentious, which he asserted as a fact.

TRUMP TO FORM NEW PARTY: THE REPUBLICATS

Drumming bunny US President Donald Trump will form a new political party that is way more animated.

The new political party is Trumps way of going quietly as loudly as possible.

A new movie, The Republicats, features Trump licking his wounds and his back fur.

Trumps legal challenges over election fraud were laughed out of courts, proof the President has lost none of his entertainment value.

In other cat news, Trump has warned US Vice-President Mike Pence that he will go down in history as a pussy.

Pences security agents are prepared for a grab attack.

Without Trump, the media will have nothing to talk about apart from the inevitable return of Trump.

A White House spokesman who admitted to being a White House spokesman said, Trump is the first US president to be impeached twice, so hes proud of that.

VEGANUARY ADMITS CRUELTY TO LANGUAGE

Vegan stars have thrown their weight (or as much of it as their depleted strength allows) behind Veganuary.

Sir Paul McCartney, Joaquin Phoenix and Kim Kardashian are promoting a vegan diet through January, or as long as vegans can go without mentioning it to everybody.

(Kardashian admits to dipping in and out of veganism between meals.)

Meanwhile, a vegan from a wealthy country sent pictures of beef, egg and cheese to a starving child in a poorer country. This is what I dont eat, said the vegan. What dont you eat?

The starving child replied, I wont swallow pontificating twaddle.

Veganuary will be followed by Proteinuary, when we can all go back to talking about something interesting.

In other news

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at@RealTimFerguson

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The Ferguson Report: Fake news you can trust - The New Daily