Gee whiz! An uppity-alien tells us how to live. – Johnson City Press (subscription)

My science magazine made an off-handed comment this month about whether aliens might pass up Earth because weve made such a mess of the environment.

It is the kind of comment you hear once in a while from the sci-fi clique. From the pop-culture we know for a fact that aliens would openly land and stay in order to force us to solve our worlds problems. Otherwise we get obliterated. Its about as simple as that.

We love to speculate what aliens would do. And we love to speculate what or how we might benefit or not from their actions.

In my usual curmudgeon style, I reversed the magazines assessment. Aliens would love it here, perhaps as a vacation spot, because our polluted environment matches their own. After all, why do we think aliens are neat freaks? I am entertained by the idea of Martians being sloppy and fat and burp a lot.

One image is the commander of the alien ship that has just landed in East Tennessee who inspects a house by running his (its) finger along the top of the door lintel looking for dust buildup. I can see where his appendage is of a slightly soluble material and he leaves a ghastly streak through too much waxy buildup! From that one analysis the Commander determines earthlings are going to have to do better, or else. But, gee whiz, wouldnt you just hate an uppity alien telling us how to live?

In the past, we were always threatened with annihilation if we didnt clean up our act. Nowadays maybe theyll just take away our cell phones.

Stay tuned, of course, the commanders space maids (with a new guest star team member) will reinspect and make new demands again next week, same time, same station.

Because we are a failed and sinful but noble race, aliens are challenged to provoke us to do better and correct our sins. They also never seemed to appreciate Beethoven or Jeff Beck. Except, of course, as humans we cant do better because we are human. Arent we destined to sin? Which leads me to speculate if the likes of Idi Amin or Pol Pot or Hitler were never threatened by an alien?

Which means if the Martians or Uranus-ians wished to tour Iris Glen instead of Roan Mountain we ought not be offended.

If Iris Glen would be an alien attraction, with hundreds of likes, doesnt that explain why Ray Bradbury in his Martian Chronicles didnt include some kind of dump site on Mars? All those beautiful outer-space paintings and colonies never seem to have a pile of garbage or spare parts.

NASA has a priority in keeping germs out of the Mars environment using the capsule as a garbage hauler, too, which seems to also suggest very strong and sturdy garbage bags for such an extended voyage. We can only presume that any form of life we pick up on Mars wont survive the trip much less the croaky environments here. If that stowed-aboard life form can survive, then what happens? We tend to think of alien life forms as fully-functioning beings instead of germs.

Mostly, we avoid that image in the popular culture because germs would be hard for the famous alien-scientist, living a life of leisure in the quiet mountains of Carter County, to communicate with.

But then, another possibility of alien sightings is that we have already been visited and are still being visited.

This is the most newsworthy, of course. Might I even suggest we are the visitor? More than a few theologians and authors have found good reason to muse at the absurdities of self-indulgence and self-destruction. God must be laughing, some say. William Kent Krueger, a Minnesota writer of some acclaim, tells his grandkids he is as old as the universe. Well, obviously we scoff at such nonsense. Robert Fulghum is famous for saying were all made of star stuff. But if Krueger and Fulghum are right, in a wise-old-folks way, then it follows we can say with a straight face that we are still being visited by visitors from outer space.

My pal Pogo Possum said it best and I paraphrase, with apologies: I have met the alien and they is us.

Charles Moore lives in Johnson City.

Charles Moore Lives in Johnson City.

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Gee whiz! An uppity-alien tells us how to live. - Johnson City Press (subscription)