I was deaf, sometimes profoundly, until I was about 12. Id have an operation Id had seven by then get partial hearing, then lose it again. Finally, they couldnt patch up my eardrum any more, so they had to fashion a new one. Id say my hearing is at about 65% now.
It made me a more thoughtful, peaceful person, as well as hyper-observant. I can read peoples body language, which has heightened my ability to make good decisions. Growing up with a disability also makes you obsessed with control, so Ive never even tried alcohol, even though it seems like Im drunk on Twitter.
I decided to absolve myself of shame before I turned 30. My therapist said: A doormat is already lying down thats why people wipe their feet all over it! That changed the course of my life. It was empowering for me to realise that there might be a way for me to change how people interact with me. Projecting a lack of give-a-fucks has meant fewer people fuck with me.
Ive been saying how I feel on the internet for 10 years, but I never had a big following, so I was never able to do much harm or much good. Out of nowhere, I now have more than 4 million people at my fingertips. After a decade of people not really listening to you, youre not prepared for that responsibility. I have learned to be much more careful when calling someone out, especially if that person is already at a disadvantage.
I think Im less annoying in person than I am on Twitter. I live online as a provocateur. Sometimes you have to say things that are going to piss people off in order to create discussion. Im outrageous about abortion. I say things that might come across as insensitive so that thousands of people join a conversation. Thats not to defend all my insensitivity. Sometimes I genuinely get it wrong.
The worst I feel is when someone has misconstrued my tone, or Ive misrepresented myself, and Ive hurt a group of people by mistake. That burns me to my core. I cant sleep and I cant eat. I recently criticised a rapper on Twitter for talking about doing a water fast, not knowing that she was mentally ill. I should have known better to send any kind of negativity her way. I felt gutted and embarrassed and very sorry.
Everything I try to say about [my coming out as queer] is always, without fail, twisted. So Im not talking about it any more. I said what I needed to say at the time. I addressed the unfortunate timing, its all out now, and there isnt really any more to be said.
Im happy to be called out. I dont mind learning in public. Ive become a better person for it. What I find frustrating is that when you admit you were wrong people seem to attack you more. When I apologise theres a hysteria of bullying. Were so unaccustomed to dealing with humility, you sometimes get treated worse than if you say nothing. Theres no accountability, and no opportunity to learn it really halts evolution. Its not a weakness to apologise.
Once people get an appetite for you, suddenly the industry envelops you and boosts you. People write about you as if you are a saint, the saviour of humanity. They build you up to a point where the expectation of you isnt sustainable. You cant maintain that standard, which you never actually professed to have. Its stressful for female celebrities.
Theres a particular vitriol towards women with money. We can handle men living lavish lifestyles, but when a woman does the same thing we drag her down for how gaudy she is. You can see the beginnings of it with Phoebe Waller-Bridge. As soon as she signed that $20m deal with Amazon, people suddenly started to bring up her privilege, even though weve known about that from the beginning shes got a double-barrelled name!
Im not very interested in other peoples opinions of me. Thats liberating. I feel like I havent seen enough change over the course of my life. As Ive grown older, Ive become more aggressive, because nothing is moving fast enough. I cant just sit here and wish for the best any more. The fact that Ive got the privilege of a platform means I have a real chance to at least do something.
The podcast I Weigh with Jameela Jamil debuted on 3 April
More:
Jameela Jamil: I think Im less annoying in person than I am on Twitter' - The Guardian
