How Not To Be A Dick To Your Childfree Friends

I've decided that bringing a squalling, blood- and pus-covered infant into this world is not for me. I have no major ish with other peoples squalling, occasionally blood- and pus-covered offspring - in fact, I find some of them downright adorable.

Most of us of the childfree persuasion do not recoil in horror at the sight of a binkie, nor do we bathe in the blood of unbaptized babies. We just, you know, dont want babies of our own. This doesnt mean we hate your babies, or cant remember what it was like being a kid, or have no real purpose in life.

But it does mean we occasionally get annoyed at all the strange things people say to us about our lifestyle choices. Thus, I give you a list of Six Strange Things People Say to Childfree-by-Choice People:

1.I thought I didnt want kids, too - but then I grew up.

Other versions of this include, Youll change your mind when you get older or Youll feel differently once youve matured. Or even, Oh youre just going through a phase.

This line of reasoning is scarily similar to things queer people often hear - its just a phase, youll get over it, youre just trying to be edgy/trendy.

But by declaring that your childfree friend will change his or her mind implies two things:

Of course, quite the opposite on both points is often true. Arriving at the decision to never have children - not just maybe not have children or well see about children - is a tough one that typically involves quite a bit of soul-searching and introspection. Not least of which because those of us who make this choice know we are going to be spending the rest of our childbearing years defending our choice.

The conclusion: Self-awareness is a hallmark of maturity, and it takes a lot of self-awareness to choose to remain childfree with eyes wide open. So there.

2. So you must really hate kids, then.

No. No, a thousand times no. Anytime I ever express with even a whiff of certainty to someone that I dont want children (nope, not even adopted ones! Just furry ones, OK?), the next time I speak to them I get gems like this one: So, I know you hate kids, but I was wondering if youd be OK if my niece hung out with us today?

Just to clarify: I said I didnt want to invite a tiny tyrant into my house to live, permanently, holding me hostage to "Blues Clues" and whatever else the kids are watching these days, every day, for the next 18 years. That is a far cry from kicking it with someones rad offspring every couple of weeks.

Just because I dont want a pet lizard or a pair of sky-high Manolos doesnt mean I hate either of those things. Lizards are super-cool! I like that they exist and I appreciate visiting them in the zoo or at friends houses, but I personally prefer a different sort of pet. Manolos are beautifully constructed shoes but alas, my feet just arent suited to that sort of life. Cest la vie - everyones different and differences are good!

3. Youre just selfish.

Despite this statement being a bitter, vitriolic insult, for some reason people feel comfortable saying it to my face when in the kid context. The thing is, no one would call me selfish if I had said, No, Id rather not lend you $241,080 youll never pay back, thanks. ($241,080 is the average cost to raise a child in 2013 according to CNN Money, by the way - and thats not including college tuition.)

So while refusing to lend your friends money or let a stranger borrow your car is just common sense, politely declining to live with and care for an expensive, time-consuming human being that you actually kinda-sorta-no-wait-really dont want? Thats just selfish! (Riiiight.)

If you think critically about it, not having kids - and all the vigilance that entails for many people - is actually a pretty unselfish choice. If you dont want to be a parent, you may not make a very good one in fact, you may wind up resentful and bitter, or even abusive (emotionally or physically).

The mythology surrounding parenthood - self-sacrifice, unpaid and often unappreciated hard labor - goes a long way to support the idea that childfree people are just selfish. But at its core, choosing to have children (and dedicate your life or large part of it to them) is a self-motivated - and therefore selfish - act.

Yes, parenting is hard. And it does require sacrifice and it is underappreciated - but that still doesnt make me selfish or wrong.

4. One day, itll just happen.

This phrase is magical thinking mixed with horrible euphemism, and leaves me feeling a little violated. Its so bizarrely perverted; if you dig beneath the surface, what the person is actually saying is this:

You say you dont want kids now, but one day all those preventative measures youre taking will inevitably fail, and BOOM! Youll have responsibility for a human being you never wanted! Isnt the miracle of life just incredible?

That's just messed up.

And: Saying this to straight people is bad enough. But saying it to queer people? Hilare. Believe it or not, Ive actually had people say this to me, and one day, when Ive had exactly the right amount of martini, Ill respond with: You do know how babies are made, right?

5. So, whats your purpose in life, then?

The idea that people without children have no purpose is deeply disturbing - not just personally, but on a philosophical level. Humor my "woah, dude" moment: If every humans greatest purpose in life is simply just to reproduce, then what are we? Mindless replicating machines? To what end? We have children so that they can have children so that they can have children and nothing anyone does outside of that has any value or worth? I dont want to live in this dystopian world.

It boggles my mind that there are people who think this way, but it comforts me to know that perhaps they havent thought too deeply on the subject. Even profoundly dedicated stay-at-home parents surely measure their worth and guide their lives by multiple criteria, just like the rest of us. Good partner, loving parent, rock-star entrepreneur, environmental activist, kick-ass sister, long-distance Frisbee champion - its a veritable smorgasbord of lifes-purpose choices out there, and limiting yourself to just one thing means youre going to get a heck of a lot less out of life than you otherwise could.

6. But wholl take care of you when youre old?

The state, duh.

I kid, I kid. But seriously, since when is everyones offspring required to sign a legally binding contract that they will care for their parents in their old age? American culture is such that counting on your kids to visit you more than once every few years at the nearest Qwik-E-Retire-Mart they abandoned you at in exchange for your signature on a living will is asking a lot.

I joke, but the state of elder care in our nation is in serious crisis. Sure, some peoples kids grow up to be responsible, caring adults who are financially sound and emotionally mature enough to care for aging parents. But, some peoples kids grow up to be deadbeats, or assholes, or too poor to be able to help much.

Counting on children as a retirement plan is a gamble at best. Best to make other plans, even if you do have kids.

I anticipate these sorts of comments will continue unabated until I hit menopause. Putting up with people questioning my motives and stick-tuitiveness is just a side effect of making a life choice thats a little out of the ordinary.

And thats fine - I feel pretty secure in the knowledge that not wanting my own children is not the same thing as being a heartless, selfish, baby-hating bon vivant. (Im just a regular bon vivant, thank you very much.)

I look forward to a life full of other peoples kids - and being one kick-ass aunt. But I still dont want my own babies - and theres nothing wrong with that.

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How Not To Be A Dick To Your Childfree Friends