17 Meanest Things Critics Have Said About the New Pirates of the Caribbean – Cosmopolitan.com

Five Pirates of the Caribbean movies later, these film critics have decided it's time to abandon ship after watching the latest installation, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.

1. "Its a little less cute these days to watch [Johnny Depp's] Jack Sparrow swish about drunkenly, knowing the actors been accused of being an abusive lush. Equally wearisome is the spectacle of a once-entertaining franchise staggering around, devoid of purpose." New York Post

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2. "Abandon ship, audiences. Paying cash money to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is the equivalent of walking the plank." Rolling Stone

3. "Now, 14 years and four films later, the Pirates franchise has finally delivered exactly what cynics had expected all along. Containing only the faintest traces of the spark that turned this once unpromising idea into a nearly four billion-dollar enterprise, Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandbergs Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is a mercenary, visually unappealing exercise in brand maintenance." Variety

4. "I daresay it is the very best fourth sequel ever made to a movie based on a 50-year-old theme park ride. Bold words I know, but I stand by them, yo-ho, yo-ho." NPR

5. "Dead Men Tell No Tales suggests that there still may be more Pirates of the Caribbean story to discover perhaps a prequel but there are no new treasures to be found in this installment, which is dragged down by the anchor of a prescribed franchise blueprint." Los Angeles Times

6. "This review will be short and dismissive. The movie under consideration Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is, by contrasts, long and punishing. Its pleasures are so meager, its delight in its own inventions so forced and false, that it becomes almost the perfect opposite of entertainment." New York Times

Disney

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7. "Yes, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales remains true to its Disney theme park roots. Loud, overstimulating and hard to take in all in one sitting, it feels like the vacation that youll need a vacation from." Washington Post

8. "After this fifth episode, you'll wish Disney would just declare the franchise dead and tell no more tales." Associated Press

9. "The dead tell a tale in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but unfortunately that tale is erratic, filled with holes, peppered with far-too-convenient plot points and tarnished by over-the-top situations that go beyond comical and land in the territory of just plain absurd." Guide Live

10. "Fourteen years have passed since the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie. So its easy to forget just how fresh and funny Johnny Depps Jack Sparrow once was ... That was then, and each swollen successor Dead Mans Chest (2006), At Worlds End (2007), On Stranger Tides (2011) has brought the franchise closer to a thudding now." Boston Globe

11. "The end may be nigh with the fifth film in the franchise, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. Its a muddled mix of fantasy, adventure, adult innuendo and kid-level comedy, but barely works on any of those levels. The movie veers so wildly between tones and moods that it often seems as inebriated as Sparrow himself." Newsday

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12. "Dead men may tell no tales, but bored audience members do. Open bar, anyone? Can we toast the end of this franchise? Please?" Seattle Times

Disney

13. "But this is the fifth film in the license-to-print-money series based on a Disneyland ride. Thats fitting. Ever ridden an amusement-park ride once and it was really fun and exciting? And then you rode it again and again and it got less fun, until finally you wondered why you liked it in the first place? And here we are." Arizona Republic

14. "There are dead people wanting to come back to life in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, so maybe what we have in this movie is one big, unconscious metaphor: screenwriters hoping to flog a dead concept to life. Actors trying to supply dead vessels with a human soul. And a director trying to pump air and passion into a stinking corpse of a franchise." San Francisco Chronicle

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15. "But then there are the two romantic leads, who have their own reasons for finding a fabled doohickey called Poseidons Trident (they both involve father issues, the thematic focus of this very special episode of Pirates of the Caribbean) and succeed only in making the shortest movie in the series seem just as long as the rest." A.V. Club

16. "Yes, dead men tell no tales but neither, really, do the Pirates of the Caribbean movies." Village Voice

17. "Depp remains wholeheartedly the focus of this fifth Pirates film, and saying the character's loopy novelty has faded is like complaining that there are maggots in the below-decks gruel: You knew what you were getting when you came aboard." The Hollywood Reporter

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17 Meanest Things Critics Have Said About the New Pirates of the Caribbean - Cosmopolitan.com