Evolution, by Joan Silber – The New Yorker

And yet I believed, more than ever, that we were natures dearest creatures, its adepts, its glowing initiates. My battered self slept on Brodys chest.

On the way to Oklahoma the next day, we had a creepy driver who told dirty jokes and laughed at the punch linesIt was her pussy all along! He didnt try to touch me, but he kept repeating the lines and grinning. When he dropped us off at a rest stop, I decided I had nine dollars in my wallet that we could spend for a motel.

You are such a princess, Brody said.

Were starting to smell, I said.

Excuse me, Miss Royalty.

We fought over this until I thought he really was going to sleep outside by himself, but in the end he let me check us in. And I took a rapturous shower, for so long that the hot water ran out on Brody. Who had no interest in making love that night. O.K., if that was how he felt. I slept poorly and sadly, hearing the murmur and whistle of his breath.

Our last day in Texas was steamy hot and had one unpleasant incident. Brody tried to steal a pack of American cheese and three pepperoni sausages from a gas-station grocery, and the guy followed us to the door and said, People get shot for less. I was terrified. Brody said nothing and kept his head down as he gave up the goods.

Arizona was thrilling to see outside the windowsthere really were cacti!but it was midnight on a dark desert night by the time we got close to Tucson, where his friend lived. He wont mind our showing up so late?

Wed been let out at a bare strip of closed snack joints along the highway. There were two pay phones, and one of them worked. Brody fed it all his change and dialled a number that rang and rang. After what seemed like hours, I heard him say, Russell? Yeah, its me. Really. I told you.

He wanted Russell to come pick us up, wherever we were, but Russell apparently wanted us to hitch to his house. So we stood with our thumbs out, but no vehicle of any kind was stopping at this hour. Brody got more change from me and went back to the pay phone to call again. And in the wee hours of the morning an old Dodge Dart came out of the black highway and stopped for us. What an asshole you are, the driver said. He looked O.K., skinny in his T-shirt, wearing a straw cowboy hat to keep out the sun to come.

Russell, my man, so good to see you, Brody said.

Whos the girl?

Cara. Isnt she cute?

Not really, he said.

I was in the back seat, they were in the front, and Brody looked back at me, scowling.

I dont even know you, Russell said, and youve got me driving all over the state for you.

They had met, by Brodys account, at a retreat in Nebraska that his high school, St. Somebodys, had had with other Catholic schools. He and Russell had sneaked away from the sylvan premises together and had been sent home in disgrace, thereby forming a lifelong bond, or so Brody had decided.

Im so happy to be in Arizona, Brody said. It just feels freer here. The air.

I fell asleep in the car, with the free air blowing on my head, and Brody woke me up later to walk me into a very small adobe house, cluttered with furniture I couldnt see. I was put in an armchair to sleep, and I didnt wake up till bright daylight got me, and I could hear voices from what turned out to be a kitchen alcove.

The girl is awake, Brody said, looking over at me.

The two guys were laughing about something (that was good) and eating toast, and Brody actually gave me a piece from his plate. I scarfed it down without even speakingI hadnt known how hungry I was. Russell said I could finish the loaf if I went out for supplies afterward with Brody. A fifteen-minute walk to the grocery store, and we could admire the scenery.

I saw that Russells cube of a house was one room, with too many chairs in it. In the corner was a mattress with blue sheets, which seemed to be where Russell slept.

You know what I think? Brody said. You know that retreat we were on? They were right about one thing.

Father Mike. Dont remind me.

He said that nature was how God revealed Himself to us. Have you been outside yet? What kind of God wants it to go up to ninety-seven by noon?

Russell said, Well, the great thing is, this house has a swamp cooleryou know how they work? Youre only sweltering a little, right?

Youve gone very local, Brody said.

I was still thinking about God and nature. I had my own secret theory, that sexual feeling existed to impress on humans the sense of a beyond, the reality of another plane. There was no other reason for it to be the way it was. I certainly wasnt going to say any of this to Brody, though Id once talked to Nini about it.

I sort of loved the landscapeso flat you could see foreverwith its clusters of houses, the vivid blue sky, and a horizon with mountains on one side. And I liked the little bodega where we pooled our money to get bread and peanut butter and hot dogs and milk. I felt sure that we could find jobs in this city. Russell worked in a Xerox store a few days a weekwe could do that. Brody and I could be a couple, living together.

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Evolution, by Joan Silber - The New Yorker