Making new friends as an adult is hard, but worth the effort – The Advocate

My friend Liam Doyle moved to Tampa in January for a new job, leaving behind deep roots and relationships in Acadiana. A couple of weeks ago, he shared a truth I learned long ago: Making friends as an adult is tough.

Having made eight major moves as an adult, Ive gone through the struggles but have ultimately been blessed to build deep friendships in each place. Still, I appreciate the comfort and understanding old friends offer. Earlier this week, I visited with four old friends and later had to apologize when I realized I may have talked their arms and legs off.

What has worked for me in the past is not rocket science. Just do things. In years past, I read the newspaper and found events I believed would be interesting, and I went to them. I also invited people to lunch and after a few lunches, I invited them to dinner and cooked for them. I joined things churches, book clubs and more. I also started a ladies investment club in my last two cities. Ten ladies and I met once a month. In both cities, those ladies became some of my closest friends.

When I spoke with Doyle about his move and quest to build new relationships, he explained that he's trying a more modern approach by going to Meetups. Last weekend he went to brunch with a group of strangers and had a lovely time.

There were 12 people in their 20s and 30s. Im 33 so they were right in my age group, Doyle said. Ill definitely go to the restaurant again and do more Meetup events in the future.

Meetup is an online app open to anyone over 18. I checked and found 16 options of things I could do this weekend from a writing group called Shut up and write (they meet virtually, introduce themselves and then write in silence, basically holding each other accountable), to a real estate investing group, a board games and cards group and more.

Doyle said he didnt look at his move as an opportunity to reinvent himself.

I know exactly who I am, but I appreciate the ease of having a friend who has known me, he said. It can be difficult to introduce myself. People tend to make assumptions when they see someone in a wheelchair. Its very draining to have to constantly explain that I have a full-time job and can do anything I want to do with a few modifications. People who know me, know that.

Doyle said having a visible disability creates interesting internal dialogue and external conversations.

Any time I meet someone new, in the back of my head I'm wondering, Are they seeing me or the wheelchair first? he said. I dont have the time to explain to every single person I meet for them to see me for who I am I have to be selective about who I spend that time with.

Each week we'll highlights the best eats and events in metro Baton Rouge. Sign up today.

Even with the occasional hiccup, he says that moving six months ago has already been an opportunity for growth and change.

For example, I like hockey now. I had been to see the Ice Gators, but I didnt really get it, he said. Now, with the hockey team here, Im a big fan of the game.

Jessica Trahan, director at Wesley United Campus Ministry at the University of Louisiana Lafayette, said shes seen so many people struggling with the issue Doyle is working toward rectifying at his new home in Florida.

She said that during the past few years, many of us became accustomed to to being home or with one or two of our closest people.

It was like we forgot how to meet people and be with people, she said.

Her recommendation is simple.

The easiest thing is to be yourself, even though were always taught we should be measuring ourselves against others youre going to lose the comparison game every time, Trahan said. If youre not willing to be vulnerable when youre meeting people, there will be limits to the depth of relationships youll build.

Beyond that, she said the Golden Rule stuff always holds true.

Treat people well how you would hope to be treated in return. Be honest. Be kind, she said. Sometimes its as easy as showing up. Say yes to new things. Acknowledging that its nerve wracking and a bit scary is perfectly understandable and a normal part of it, but it shouldnt be the reason you dont try.

Read more:

Making new friends as an adult is hard, but worth the effort - The Advocate