Dear June: Father Seeks to Reconnect With Teenage Son – The Epoch Times

Dear June,

This November, my son turns 18. For the past 15 years, I have not been in his life due to the choices I made. My most fervent prayer is to be allowed in his life one day.

Over the years, I have tried to initiate communication many times and have not heard a peep. He is living with his mother, and I highly doubt she encourages any contact with me. She has emailed photos of my son to my father.

Of course, there is a lifetime of issues behind all of this. I lived with my mother until I was 6, then with my father until I was 13. To this day, my father and I have a very strained relationship.

I am wondering if I should pay a private investigator to find him when he turns 18? I know it is my fault that I havent been in his life. Can you give me any advice?

An Estranged Father

Dear Estranged Father,

It is very admirable that you want to be in your sons life after so long. Yes, I think you should do everything in your power to reconnect with him. It will be life-changing, strengthening, even healing for both of you.

Once your son is an adult, you have the legal as well as moral right to establish communication. Im sure a good private investigator could do the job, but I wonder if perhaps communication could be established through the family? This way might accomplish more for yourself and your son. Let me explain.

Since you have had almost no contact with your son since he was less than 3 years old, you will be building a relationship almost from scratch. Now it may be that this relationship comes easilylike building a sandcastle, but it also may not be easylike building a medieval fortress. So I think a preparation step is important because you wont be able to build a fortress without some know-how.

It is a truth that when a child doesnt have a father present they are left with questions about how worthy they really are.

Pediatrician and author Meg Meeker says that deep in a childs heart, they need both parents to answer three basic questions about themselves:

Parents also answer these questions with tone and body language.

In a TEDx talk,Meeker said that people who dont have these questions answered by their fathers live in chaos.

Our prisons are filled with men whose spirits are crushed because they never had those questions answered by their dads.

Even successful men struggle if they havent had a father. Meeker said she also works with professional athletes, teaching them how to be fathers and they too struggle with chaos in their souls becausethough they may have achieved the epitome of fame and glory in the worldthey dont know the answer to these questions in a deep part of their hearts. The same is also true for elites in any realm.

You mention that your relationship with your own father is strained, so perhaps its helpful to consider how he answered those questions for you. Possibly he didnt do the best job. If this is the case, if he didnt believe in your potential, in your inherent worth, and didnt tell you so, then this may have set you on a path toward your mistakes.

But, of course, you cant blame him nowhe was probably beaten down by life in some way. The best way forward now is to acknowledge any wounds still unhealed in you, accept that your father had faults, and forgive him for them. I would guess he was doing his best with the hand he was dealtmost of us are.

Your desire to be a present in your sons lifedespite all this timereally speaks to a nobility and strength in you. In my experience, parenting requires a lot of strength because, since we love and care so much for our children, they can bring up deep fears. In those moments when Ive been really challenged by my son, I think back to how I felt when he was a newbornhow I knew he had amazing potential and that I would do and sacrifice so much for him, and this gives me the strength to overcome in myself what is challenging our relationship.

I mention this because it may be that when you meet your son, he might not the person you hoped he would be, or he may have a very distorted view of you (we have no idea what his mother has been telling him) and you may have to prove to him that you are still worthy of being his dad.

Put another way, I think your search for your son is an actual heros quest, and thus you will meet with setbacks, perhaps rejection, perhaps disrespect, and there will be moments in which you will doubt yourself. But its the nature of the quest to be hard.

So as to your question about how to contact him, you could hire a private investigator, but what if you take the path of first easing some of the strain in your relationship with your own father? Then what about your sons mother? Could you become on cordial terms with her? The benefit is that you will start to reweave family bonds around your son, which might naturally lead to a connection with him, and importantly, through this process you gain strength and wisdom.

I think if you reflect, you will know how best to proceed.

My other suggestion would be to consider reading, to help bring you perspective, courage, and wisdom; some works to consider might be hero tales such as Hercules or biographies of great men like George Washington.

Further suggestions for reading and watching would be books or videos by Dr. Meg Meeker, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Dr. Jordan Peterson, which has general principles for keeping on top of life; It Didnt Start With You, by Mark Wolynn, which is about how to heal generational trauma; and Man of Steel and Velvet, by Aubrey Andelin, which is an old-fashioned how-to guide for men on manhood.

You could also reach out to the Fatherless Generation Foundation, a Georgia-based nonprofit that specializes in helping families reunite and will have advice and resources for you.

Sincerely,

June

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Do you have a family or relationship question for our advice columnist,Dear June? Send it toDearJune@EpochTimes.comor Attn: Dear June, The Epoch Times, 5 Penn Plaza, 8th Fl. New York, NY, 10001

June Kellum is a married mother of three and longtime Epoch Times journalist covering family, relationships, and health topics.

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Dear June: Father Seeks to Reconnect With Teenage Son - The Epoch Times