Q&A: What the Mom Genes author wants you to know this Mothers Day – Deseret News

Are women born with a maternal instinct, or is it developed? Are motherhood practices passed down genetically, or are they learned? What really makes a mom?

Abigail Tuckers latest book, Mom Genes, takes a scientific approach to these questions, but leans into her own voice. While occasionally adopting the chirpiness of a mommy blog, as one Wall Street Journal reviewer noted, Tuckers extensive research and swift storytelling provide insights into what being a mom really means.

Tuckers professional credentials as a New York Times bestselling author and a celebrated science writer help her comb through mountains of data, experiments and medical lingo to describe the how of the maternal instinct. Her book tiptoes between readable science and memoir, as her experience raising four children (alongside her husband, New York Times columnist Ross Douthat) guide her ultimate conclusion that the arrival of a newborn is rebirth for the mother, too.

In some ways, that is quite literal. Tucker explains that fetal cells remain in the mother long after childbirth, even until her death a mothers heart or brain may contain these cells from her child. But the rewiring of a mothers brain has more recognizable effects. Becoming a mother, Tucker shows, changes a woman forever.

As the world continues to shift, supporting mothers is more essential than ever. Today is a vulnerable, volatile period of maternal metamorphosis, Tucker writes, replete with inequalities in health care, education and the workforce. And COVID-19 has only piled onto it 70% of moms work (and most full time), and they bore the brunt of pandemic job losses. Which makes Tuckers writing all the more timely. Now is the time to create more adaptable support systems, but, as Tucker contends, it begins with understanding mothers and how mom genes shape their world.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Deseret News: Much of your book can be summed up by one line: What feels like a mothers change of heart is actually a change of brain. How did you discover that? And what does that really mean for mothers?

Abigail Tucker: Mothers often are distracted by the physical weirdness of pregnancy and all these bizarre changes that happen to our bodies. But the most profound changes are internal. I wasnt aware that there were labs that were trying to study exactly what happens inside of a person. Once I learned that, I had to go to the labs and even volunteer for a couple of experiments to learn a little bit more about what might be happening inside of us.

The conclusion that I came to is that scientists increasingly view motherhood as a stage of human development, like a period of neuroplasticity, where your brain is primed by the chemicals of gestation and childbirth and lactation to have this set of experiences. And youre going through a period of growth and change thats unseen in human experience, outside of childhood.

Mothers are literally being reborn, and they are growing and changing. Its not like you just discard your old self you can continue on your old path, but youre not the same.

DN: You frequently discuss the maternal instinct. But its much more than just an instinct, isnt it?

AT: When we say instinct, it sometimes implies that moms know what theyre doing, or that theres some set of automatic behaviors that we upload when we become mothers. And sadly, as a mother of four, I know thats not true. Mothers often dont know what to do at all.

Because humans are distributed around the world, theres this huge diversity of behaviors. But what unites us, and what I call the maternal instinct, is this common drive a sort of core pro-baby motive a sensitization to infant cues and a willingness to respond to them, and also this feeling of reward that you get from infants.

We all have this sort of common spark inside of us, and that is the maternal instinct. And its not really something that youre necessarily born with. Its something that develops through exposures.

DN: You studied many different animals mammals, insects, aves and found different parenting patterns among all. What findings were most interesting to you?

AT: I was stunned by the power of maternal behavior even in the simplest mammals, like rodents. Lab rats and lab mice are one of the primary vehicles scientists use to study the maternal brain and the idea that its conserved across species. So by learning about rats, were not just interested in rats. Were actually learning about ourselves.

For example, if you give a rat whos not a mother a choice between food and babies, shes always going to choose the food. But if you gave the mother the same choice, her reward system has changed, and she chooses babies. So I was struck by the kinship that we have with these super simple mammal mothers.

DN: I was fascinated by what you call social support you even call it love at one point. Tell me more about why thats so important for mothers.

AT: One of the dangers about talking about maternal instinct, and one of the things Im hoping to warn against, is this idea that when mothers become mothers, they feel this attraction to and love for their babies, and that theyre somehow on autopilot.

One of the interesting things about the study of how mothers are influenced by their social world is that moms continue to be very receptive to signals that they receive from their surroundings. Those could be environmental signals. It could be stress. Even exposure to plastics and other environmental toxins can change maternal behavior. But the signals that you get from the people in your community are also really important.

The good thing about maternal behavior is that we can, as humans, control our environment. We can take steps on a national level to safeguard maternal psychology, but then also on a personal level, just like reaching out to the moms in your world. If somebody has a new baby, and you drop off dinner for her, it shows that you actually care about her and that she matters that she has a place in the social world. So, I say, bring her five dinners.

DN: You bust one motherhood myth the idea that there are certain types of mothers and every mother is just one type. In fact, you write that youve been many mothers yourself. What does that mean?

AT: There are not that many strategic advantages to having four kids. But one of the interesting things is that Ive been able to compare and contrast over the course of these four children my own parenting.

The difference between having a boy and a girl is more than just buying blue stuff or pink stuff. Theres all kinds of physiological and mental fallout from that, like how moms who have sons are subject to a little more physical stress in pregnancy, and they may be slightly more prone to postpartum depression.

The variables at play things like maternal age, if you had a C-section or really painful delivery all of these different factors are part of the stew that is you. Youre not just one person whos just going to be carrying the mom flag. You are plastic and changing and if you are one mom for your first pregnancy, four pregnancies later you may be different, in a lot of ways.

DN: You dedicate your final chapter to a path forward for mothers including legislative solutions like paid maternal leave and child tax credit reform. With nearly two dozen congresswomen in Washington with young children at home, is there momentum for this?

AT: Mothers are very good at pushing, as we all know. I do think that having more women who are mothers in elected office is one of the best things we could possibly have for maternal reform.

And thats something I want to be clear about: When I say that mothers brains change and you transform, I dont mean that you have to throw away your ambition and not run for Congress or anything like that. I do think that when you make that sacrifice, and do these important jobs, I think you are changed in some way.

The perspective that motherhood brings, and especially enriched by the science of understanding why you work like you do, is one of the best tools that we could possibly have.

While there are women in Congress, other types of moms might need space and might need to make the choice to stay at home if they want. Theres no one way and no sole path and no right answer. This is not just some check it off the bucket list thing, this motherhood stuff. Im hoping that mom lawmakers will reflect on that.

DN: Your book came out at the perfect time, with Mothers Day this weekend. What Mothers Day message do you hope moms will glean from your writing?

AT: My message is that instinct is well and good. And these impulses that we have to care for our children are incredibly powerful and conserved across mammals. But humans are lucky in that we can use knowledge, research and self-knowledge to make sense of the straits that we find ourselves in, and to kind of be not just the best moms that we can be, but the best human beings that we can be.

Moms are always pitted against each other the stay-at-homes versus the work-out-of-homes versus the work-in-homes. And, you know, all these different philosophies, the cry-it-out people and the attachment parenting people, and the homeschoolers, and the boarding schoolers. People are at each others throats a lot. And Im just really hoping that the book will help show people that we all have potential to become a lot of different selves, and that should lead to a newfound empathy for each other. We should be looking for ways to help each other, rather than to nitpick and criticize and judge.

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Q&A: What the Mom Genes author wants you to know this Mothers Day - Deseret News