Daily Archives: February 15, 2022

One of the most accepted truths of the Jewish tradition, and of the world at large, is to love your neighbor as yourself. And since today is Valentines Day, the day of love, what better time to revisit the oldest saying about love?

Weve been hearing this love your neighbor saying for so long it rarely dawns on us that it may be overlooking something. For example, what if I hate myself? What if Im depressed and abuse myself? What if, deep down, the confident, self-loving front I show the world is covering up feelings of self-loathing?

Is that the kind of love I should show my neighbor?

For better or worse, self-hatred and the emotional ills attached to it is so prevalent throughout our society that treating it has become a billion-dollar industry. And yet, we keep promoting the golden rule, which assumes that because we put our own interests first, we must love ourselves.

As natural as that may sound, reality and psychology often tell a different story.

Even the ultimate self-lovers, the narcissists, are not what they seem. A recent study reported by BBCindicates that unlike Narcissus staring at himself reflecting in the pool, many narcissists actually arent in love with themselves after all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Much of the time, the study showed, a narcissists behavior isnt driven by self-love rather, self-hatred narcissistic behavior like flexing on social media might come from low self-esteem and a constant need for self-validation.

The point is this: We shouldnt assume that people love themselves more than they love their neighbors.Many people, in fact, treat neighbors far better than they treat themselves. Its a lot easier to be respectful and polite with those who dont remind us ofour inner demons.

Many people treat neighbors far better than they treat themselves. Its a lot easier to be respectful and polite with those who dont remind us ofour inner demons.

I remember speaking to a therapist once about how some people are more courteous with strangers they encounter during the day than they are with their spouse. Its the old idea that familiarity brings contempt. That same principle can apply to individuals. Self-loathers, after all, are only too familiar with the traits they hate about themselves.

If some of what Im suggesting here rings true, the real question becomes: How do we increase our self-love so that we have more of it to give to others?

For the millions who dont love themselves, but who show impeccable courtesy with the outside world, maybe we ought to flip the golden rule: Love yourself as your neighbors. Start by being as courteous and respectful with yourself as you are with strangers.

And then, youll be more likely to be courteous with your loved ones. In the world of love, courtesy is just as important as a dozen roses.

Happy ValentinesDay.

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Is It Time to Revisit Love Your Neighbor as Yourself? - Jewish Journal

The number one writing rule that I'm sure most people have heard of is Show, don't tell. What that means is that if you want to convey information to your audience, it's better to do so in a way that isn't just straight up telling them.

Let's say you want to tell your audience that your character is angry. You could just have them say I'm angry. But how often does a person in real life ever plainly announce their anger that way? Have you ever been able to tell someone was angry without them telling you? What if instead of having our character say I'm angry, you write them entering their house and slamming the door behind them so hard that picture frames fall off the wall and shatter on the floor. Air hisses out of their mouths as they huff and puff through gritted teeth. That's usually better writing. That's what show, don't tell means.

But what if I told you that Kare Kano breaks this golden rule of writing, and does so with incredible results?

His and Her Circumstances (also called Kare Kano for short) is a 1998 anime adaptation of the shoujo manga of the same name by Masami Tsuda. It was directed by Hideaki Anno, creator of Neon Genesis Evangelion. It tells the story of 10th grade Yukino Miyazawa and her boyfriend Soichiro Arima learning to love each other and themselves as they try to live as their authentic selves.

Kare Kano spends the first half of episode one explicitly telling you everything you need to know about Miyazawa. She's an extremely disciplined student at the top of her class. She's respected and revered by both her classmates and her family. She's beautiful and has a radiant personality. But her deep secret is that her entire public persona is a carefully constructed mask she wears in order to elicit as much praise as possible. When she's at home, she's lazy, slovenly, petty, and conniving. We know all of this because well, the show tells us. All of this info comes directly out of the mouths of Miyazawa's classmates, her family, and Miyazawa herself. At some points the characters even break the fourth wall by addressing the audience directly. Now I know what you're all thinking, Miyazawa says to us as she looks directly into the camera. It's such blatant exposition. But it's also what makes this show so charming.

The difference between this show and others that break the "show, don't tell" rule is how direct they're being with the audience. When they have an entire dinner scene of Miyazawa and all her family members describing her character in fine detail, there's no wiggling around it: they're exposition-dumping. Both the show's staff and the audience know that this is an incredibly unrealistic way for people to talk. But why do this? It's so the show can separate itself from the typical third-person narrative format of storytelling. The characters aren't just talking to each other, they're talking to you. Even when they aren't literally talking to the audience like Ferris Bueller. Kare Kano doesn't want you to feel like you're watching a story from afar. The show wants to recreate the feeling of a person sitting down with you personally and telling you their story. It breaks down the wall between you and the characters, creating a more intimate feeling.

When other shows attempt the same thing, however, it feels like they're trying and failing to trick us. Instead of closing the distance between the audience and the story, it feels like they're trying to trick us into thinking that it's characters talking to each other when really it's the writers talking to us. I contrast Kare Kano's approach to certain American animated shows like Bojack Horseman and Rick & Morty. As those shows went on, it seemed like they more and more often had characters break out into monologues about philosophy, social commentary, or their own characterization. This isn't any less realistic than the dinner scene in the first episode of Kare Kano. In fact, sometimes it's more realistic. But it's less genuine. Kare Kano is honest about what it's doing. Meanwhile Rick & Morty and Bojack Horseman try to disguise their intent by sticking their protagonist in a therapist's office while their character thesis is dictated to us.

This style of creating intimacy by speaking directly to the audience is one of Hideaki Anno's specialties. Kare Kano came out very soon after the release of The End of Evangelion. An apocalyptic sci-fi show about giant robots and aliens might sound like the farthest thing from a high school shoujo romcom, but watching both series back-to-back will reveal just how much of Evangelion's DNA is in this show. The way this show has characters soliloquy their emotions for minutes on end sometimes makes the show feel like a decompressed version of Evangelion's episodes 25 and 26. And over 20 years later in Evangelion 3.0 + 1.0, we can still see the evolution of this same style. In its ultimate form, Anno is able to make characters plainly explain why people hold hands and say goodbye in one of the best parts of the movie.

Any rule of art or storytelling is actually just a suggestion. Even though it may serve you well most of the time to follow them, nonconventional approaches can also be incredibly rewarding with the right vision. Kare Kano is a sappy, sappy show about two high schoolers having their first love while dealing with their own inner turmoil. Characters will stare right into the audience's face and tell you about their feelings for minutes at a time. They tell, don't show, and I can't recommend it enough.

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How His and Her Circumstances Breaks the #1 Writing Rule - Anime News Network

Album Review: aloha Son Little

Being open to the beauty of accidents is my golden rule. Aaron Livingston (Son Little)

aloha opens with a simple bass line, a verse, and a chorus. It gets to the point, says it, and moves on. hey rose introduces the album, demonstrating elements that are infused into the tracks later on. A salacious bass line opens and folds under a picnic-basket vocal and its guitar, which walk down as the drums enter and guide the song into a chorus. The flow and elegance of the arrangement makes room for Livingstons vocal fry to crackle lightly like Rice Krispies, and for the guitar to speak its truth in moments of silence. Then the stage is set.

The songs flow into each other like streams into a river. about her. again., begins also with a steamy bass line, and breaks off into an almost whispering acoustic guitar inside a thick silence. The effect of that dynamic choice is wonderful, and creates space for the song to grow out of it, and it blossoms into an introspective led by another poignant vocal melody.

This pattern continues through the album, with songs taking lives of their own, but staying true to the family.

The family is known as Son Little, an alias for Aaron Livingston, who in addition to his own career has produced for Mavis Staples and The Roots, having won a Grammy with Mavis Staples for best soul performance. Having self-produced his first two records as well, he opted to employ the production prowess of French visionary Renaud Letang (Manu Chao, Feist). Their work in Paris culminated in a complete rework of the album, forced by a hard drive failure, and the results were, in a nutshell, successful.

Listen a little closer now, and look for the tambourine. Its in every song, and plays a huge part in crystallizing the percussion, giving the spaces between drums meaning, and adding sparkle and spice to the cymbals when they appear. In an album driven by clever melody and instrumental pairings chosen like chocolate and wine, the little touches of tambourine and phaser effects are enough to elevate it all into a cohesive and understandable truth. But sometimes the romantic fog of perfect bass and poppy tambourines dissipates and gives too much clarity. In the wrong context, the album feels like a bad date. The more you hear it, the more attention it demands from you. Listen to it by yourself or with your friends the first time around, and dont expect to party. Its a wallowing celebration of deep feelings in shallow waters, but its not a mess to clean up; its a respite on a hot day.

Released on Jan. 31, 2020, aloha is a musical journey born from the pre-COVID times. Remember those days? Listen and you just might.

New: Let The Festivities Begin Los Bitchos (2022)

Los Bitchos are a London-based band with a love for cumbia fusion. Hailing from four distinct corners of the world London, Sweden, Uruguay, and Australia these four women have lightning-in-a-bottle energy on stage, and their infectious beats and surfy mesmerizations have infected quite a few dancing bodies. This album is great for dinner, lunch, walking your dog, driving to Woodmans, driving back from Woodmans, and even putting away your groceries. Sometimes the album may seem like one 37-minute song, which is why its great for a commute or a walk in the park. Pick one song for a playlist to give yourself a taste, and work up an appetite for the next time theyre in town and buy the damn tickets. In short, Los Bitchos will keep your spirits up.

Like new: Mambo Sinuendo Ry Cooder (2003)

Los Bitchoss surf-garage-latin grooves can be somewhat indistinct at times, but where they lack in entertainment, they pick up the slack by reminding you of Ry Cooders Mambo Sinuendo, a legendary pop-jazz collab with members of Buena Vista Social Club. The record ebbs and flows, centered around the catchy and bodacious guitar melody of track five, Caballo Viejo. The whole album speaks from the past through Los Bitchos in a refreshing way, straying from nostalgia while retaining its integrity.

What to listen to right now

Turn Off: The Eagles, The Beatles, Creep by Radiohead

Turn On: candy grapes Foushe, Steve Lacy

Turn Up: Small Poppies Courtney Barnett

On Campus: Tae Laurent (Dionta Charles 22) debut EP: XTASY

Laurents debut EP is full of life and plug in magic. Theres a hint of mainstream energy and a lot of patience, beginning with GENIE, it sets a mellow background mood at half volume, and at full volume it will blow your friends car windows off with great power GEEKED UP is begging for a mosh pit literally and figuratively and will be sure to flow well in any playlist reserved for a fun time. The EP follows a predictable 4/4 high-hat driven vibe, but if its your size, its going to fit just right. Go ahead, try it on. Available on all streaming platforms now.

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Oh! You Should Check This Out The Round Table - Beloit College Round Table

In summary

If Californias leaders want to ban Indigenous knowledge from the classroom, they should at least first learn it.

Roberto Cintli Rodriguez, who grew up in Southern California, is an emeritus associate professor in Mexican American Studies at the University of Arizona. He is the author of several books, including Our Sacred Maiz is Our Mother.

In 2017, a Maya elder, Carlos Armando Dzul, took me to a church in Mani, Yucatn, to see where the infamous three-day auto de fe took place a mass book burning in 1562 led by Bishop Diego de Landa.

It was one of the most well-known book burnings in Mexicos history, though it was actually part of a 300-year policy which outlawed the possession and the teaching of pre-Colombian knowledge, purportedly because it constituted lies of the devil. The penalty for such crimes ranged from torture to death.

That brings to mind the recent settlement in which the state of California and several of its educational governing bodies agreed in a lawsuit by Californians for Equal Rights Foundation and others, to ban In LakEch, a Maya maiz-based philosophical concept from its Ethnic Studies Model Curriculum, this while referring to it as part of the Aztec religion.

That agreement, which determines what is teachable knowledge also bans the Nahui Ollin, an Aztec-Mexica concept based on the erroneous supposition that the Aztec religion was demonic. It also bans Ashe, an affirmingAfrican Indigenous chant. Of note is that Mexican American students are the largest demographic in California schools.

While the Aztec and Maya share similar cultures, confusing them is mind-boggling, akin to confusing Greeks with Romans because theyre both Europeans. Here, I concentrate on In LakEch, because the philosophy from where it emanates is something that I have been teaching for years, which is maiz-based knowledge that has influenced the Americas for thousands of years, and because this is the continent in which we live.

In LakEch Tu eres mi otro Yo, or You are my other Self is but the Maya iteration of The Golden Rule, which is also part of a larger maiz-based philosophical universe.

Famed playwright Luis Valdez of Teatro Campesino introduced U.S. audiences to this concept via the 1973 poem, Pensamiento Serpentino. He received this knowledge from Maya linguist Domingo Martinez Paredez, who collaborated with the Teatro, resulting in several Maya-based plays. In effect, In LakEch is to see ourselves in each other. How that can be construed as demonic is to continue the notion that Indigenous and African peoples were less than human.

Beginning in the 1990s, Raza Studies at Tucson Unified School District taught In LakEch and Panche Be to seek the root of the truth, which necessarily leads to the quest for justice. It is perhaps the actual reason why Tucsons Raza Studies program was shut down in 2012, even though the courts affirmed its legality in 2017.

In 2017, I wrote an article for the Latino Journal of Education, Ixxim; a Maiz-based philosophy, summarizing some 60 Maya concepts. Generally, they have their universal equivalents in other cultures, including the West, though some are uniquely Maya or Maiz-based ideas.

For example, Hel Men or Zero did not have the same meaning to the Maya as it did in the West, where zero means the absence of value. For the Maya, zero marked the beginning of everything. The Maya thinker established that the zero is the germinating seed, the beginning of everything, which is why it was illustrated as a seed or a conch shell, according to El Popul Vuh Tiene Razon. This 1968 book by Martinez Paredez, is part of an explanation by the Maya scholar, of the validity and relevance of the Popul Vuh, considered to be the most sacred book of the Maya.

There is not enough space here to fully explain Maya philosophy; the minimum that can be done is to note that there is a whole universe that California students have never been exposed to, including:

Ixim or Xiimte: Ixiim is the word for maiz and Xiimte is sacred maiz. For peoples of this continent, maiz is who we are, what we are made of and where we come from. Scientists consider it one of humanitys greatest feats because it was scientifically created.

I would argue that if politicos want to ban Indigenous knowledge, they should at least first learn it, including our Indigenous worldviews.

_____

Roberto Cintli Rodriguez has also written that California should aim for an authentic ethnic studies discipline.

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Why ban Indigenous philosophies in the classroom? - The Denver Post

Wheres common decency?

What do you do when you go to someone elses house and they want you to take off your shoes? Do you disrespect them, fight them and defiantly walk shoed across their floors?

How about people who do not allow smoking in their home? Do you light up or punch them out?

How about someone who doesnt appreciate pets? Do you set Fido loose in their home to do as it pleases? Ill bet not.

Then why do people entering a business, commercial aircraft or office, etc., think it is their privilege or patriotic duty to be A-holes and thwart mask required signs and policies placed by the property owner?

I think I know why. Many people have lost their sense of common decency. People feel entitled to do whatever they want, whenever they want.

Remember, freedom also requires responsibility. Its past-time to stop the madness and recover some civility. Most people disrespecting others on their private property would not stand to be disrespected on their own property.

Whatever happened to the Golden Rule? If you dont know what that is, look it up.

Some may wonder why Im writing so many letters lately. The simple reason is that Im appalled by the behavior of many I have witnessed in our very own community, government and across our country.

We are Americans. Start having some pride instead of misplaced rage. Control yourselves and respect others, especially on their property. Also remember that public property is ours, not just yours.

The Feb. 6 article about tax levies should have been about how the money is spent. ...

Example: the cemetery district.

The commissioners allowed a private contractor to build a crematorium on taxpayer land. He never put it out for bid. The original contract was 90 days. Seven years later, it was not complete. ...

Commissioners said it didnt cost them. It was built on the contractor getting 70% and the cemetery getting 30% of the sale basis.

So how many holes has been sold? One?

Who missed the holes being the wrong size? Now they have to be redrilled.

How much is the cost for the employees time to mow that area?

What is the cost of the water and electricity?

Why were there two liens put against the contractor?

Do voters know the original job description of the employees was to open and close graves?

Commissioners then charged another $500 to open and close the graves after the employees were already being paid double dipping so they changed the job description.

Now commissioners include the cost in purchasing the plot but they do not deduct the cost from the levy money again, double dipping. ...

Now they are putting up gates on county roads and paying out of the levy money. Why? To keep out homeless, for which they have no records under public records request.

Visit and see how many ways to access the cemetery.

All this was given to the Tribune.

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Feb. 15 Letters to the Editor: Our Readers' Opinions - Lewiston Morning Tribune

getty

Do you envy a colleague who can effortlessly fire off an email thats well-written and well-received?

The good news is that great communicators arent born; theyre made through deliberate practice. And that practice is worth it: your ability to communicate effectively helps you connect to others, enhances your relationships, builds trust, and paves the way for career success by bridging gaps between you and your clients, colleagues, and partners.

Here are five tips to improve your written communication:

Written communication is rife with unnecessary complexity. Maximize the power of your words by simplifying them.

Clarity is the foundation for effective communication. When youre not clear or use industry acronyms and buzzwords, youll force others to do the difficult work of guessing your intended message. As a result, theyll most likely get it wrong or be left scratching their heads. And when you confuse people, youll lose people.

But when youre clear, everything becomes easier. People understand you, what you offer, your value, what differentiates you, how you can help them, and how they can assist you. Clarity helps others know, like, and trust you. Swap jargon for plain language to increase the odds of your message being received and understood.

If every email you send includes a TL;DR (too long; didnt read) summary, youve got some work to do. Meandering signals that youre unorganized and unsure. Worse, youll lose your audiences attentionand the opportunity to communicate.

When preparing a piece, think concise and compelling. It becomes unnecessarily complex when you try to cover too much ground in your communication. A good rule of thumb is that each piece of written communication should have one clear takeaway. This forces you to get specific about and home in on your message. Instead, when you want to deliver a message, make brevity your friend by eliminating extraneous material and getting to the point.

Communication is only effective if your audience receives your intended message, so remember this golden rule of communication: its not about you.

Far too often, we assume that everyone communicates the same way we do, forgetting that our intended audiences may not live and breathe in our business world.Also,consider that even two members of the same team may require a slightly different message tailored to the individual. So, before you fire off that email, take a beat to put yourself in your audiences shoes, consider their wants and needs, and adjust your communications accordingly.

Your word choice sets the tone and elicits an emotional response, two things critical for effective communication.

Consider writing the way you speak for the most natural communication style, especially in non-technical formats. Incorporating your everyday language into your repertoire opens you up to a more descriptive, interesting lexicon that allows you to infuse a bit of personality into your writing, capturing your audiences attention and ensuring that your message will be more memorable.

Remember, too, thathowyou communicate is just as important aswhatyou communicate. Action-oriented language conveys a strong, clear tone and propels people to do something rather than remain idle. Where possible, minimize passive language and use active voice to add more power and intention to your words.

Ever sent a message only to realize later it was full of typos? Ugh. Mistakes happen, but if theyre more the norm than the exception for you, theyll weaken your ability to communicate.

Protect yourself against communication mishaps by proofreading. Before you post, use online tools likeGrammarlyto review and improve your writing, or enlist the help of an editor to put your best foot forward.

But be forewarned: even if everything is grammatically correct and contains no misspellings, you could still have problems with using the wrong word (writing pubic when you meant public, for instance). So to stave off those embarrassments and catch any unintended word choices, read your written communication out loud before hitting the send button.

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The 5 Best Ways To Improve Your Written Communication - Forbes

Who says nice guys finish last?

Last night, the Los Angeles Rams defeated the Cincinnati Bengals in Super Bowl LVI to become the newly crowned NFL champions. In post-game interviews, Rams players and coaches shared their thoughts on what they believed contributed to their championship season. You heard familiar phrases like "I knew this was a special team," and "we trusted one another to go out there and get it done."

But one player's take on the Rams' organizational culture stood out. It was from the team's oldest player, offensive tackle Andrew Whitworth -- who at 40 years old is the oldest active player in the NFL.

"I think this is a unique environment," Whitworth said in a postgame interview, speaking about the culture Rams coach Sean McVay and his staff have built. "We're relaxed. We have fun. It's energetic. We don't have coaches out there screaming at people. That's not allowed on our field. It's about having energy and positivity and belief that no matter what happens on one snap, the next snap's the next best one you can have."

Whitworth said he believes it's this environment that helped the Rams reach their full potential: "I think guys come in, they believe in it, and they appreciate that opportunity to be in an environment where they're encouraged to just be themselves and go out and do what they do."

For years, coaches across sports have become known for their domineering, drill-sergeant-like approach. But for several decades, psychologists have studied the value in a more emotionally intelligent coaching style, one that focuses on positive reinforcement.

I like to call this "the rule of positive psychology."

Let's break down how the rule of positive psychology works, how the Rams used it to their advantage, and what companies can learn from it to build an emotionally intelligent culture where teams thrive. (If you find value in the rule of positive psychology, you might be interested in my full emotional intelligence course. Check out the course here.)

The rule of positive psychology is simple. It basically states:

When you build an environment focused on nurture, positive reinforcement, and highlighting strengths and potential, you help people to be the best version of themselves.

It was back in the 1950s that psychologist Gordon Allport began questioning why much of psychological theory focused on the behavior of sick and anxious people, and why many studies were of criminals instead of law abiders or focused on unhealthy emotions rather than healthy ones.

Since that time, more and more psychologists, researchers, and therapists have begun studying examples of healthy human behavior and the value of positive reinforcement. It is principles like these that inform the rule of positive psychology.

The Rams aren't the only professional sports team to embrace the positive psychology movement.

In the NBA, the Golden State Warriors are also known for having a relaxed, fun atmosphere where music, humor, and friendly competitions between coaches and players help create a positive culture. No surprise that those Warriors also made it to the NBA finals five years in a row in recent years, winning three championships along the way.

But how do you follow the rule of positive psychology in your organization?

It's easier said than done, but you can start by implementing a few more rules at your workplace. For example:

The help-first rule: If you're in a difficult situation, and you notice someone else is too, try helping first. (Read more about the help-first rule here.)

The rule of recognition: Your default setting is to focus on what a person does right, and to make a point to commend the person for those positive actions, sincerely and specifically. (Read more about the rule of recognition here.)

The rule of turning critical into constructive: Transform your critical feedback by adding one word. Ask: "Can I share some constructive feedback with you?" (Read more about how to turn critical into constructive here.)

The rule of disagree and commit: Start with open, honest discussion and voice healthy disagreement. However, once a decision is made, any who still disagree must "commit;" they should fully support the decision and try their best to make it work. (Read more about the rule of disagree and commit here.)

The rule of reappraisal: When you feel overwhelmed, don't focus on what you have ahead of you. Instead, look back on what you have already accomplished and use that to motivate you. (Read more about the rule of reappraisal here.)

These rules are just a start, to help get you moving in the right direction. The key is to recognize that culture doesn't just happen. You have to implement processes, habits, and rules that everyone follows, top to bottom.

Andacknowledge that the best foundation you can build upon is a positive one.

So, if you're leading a team, why not take a page out of the Rams playbook and follow the rule of positive psychology?

Because if there's anything Super Bowl LVI taught us, it's that the "nice" approach may be exactly what you -- and your team -- needthe most.

The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

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The Los Angeles Rams Used a Simple Rule of Psychology to Win the Super Bowl. It's a Lesson in Emotional Intelligence - Inc.

(Image: Ridofranz/Getty)

Its fair to say that after a failed relationship or 12, I (and many like me) have abandoned the idea of happily ever after. We hope, at best, for happily for three months and an amicable separation.

We can chalk it up to cynicism, or bad luck, but positive psychology experts, Suzann Pileggi Pawelski, along with her husband James O. Pawelski, believe its something differentand have ideas on how to find the happily ever after that many of us have given up on. And their ideas, based in both ancient wisdom and modern science, resonateeven with a cynic like me.

No matter what type of relationship you are talking about, it takes effort. Just like any skill or talent in life, you have to work for it to be a successyou have to practice and train. No one expects to wake up tomorrow and run a marathon, and relationships are the same way, believes Suzie.

It doesnt help that we are inundated with unrealistic portrayals of relationships through every aspect of pop-culture: fairy tales, movies, television shows, even music. Suzie notes that the romantic notion of soul mates, where we expect this magical person to complete us can actually be detrimental to relationships.

James and I have nothing against the concept of soul mates if what you mean by the term is finding a person with whom you forge a deep connection, but the way soul mates are often depicted in pop-culture gives people the impression they just show up in your life through the right set of serendipitous circumstances.

That perspective can actually be an obstacle to healthy relationships. Relying on fate can lead to inaction on our part. It can also lead to an overdependence on the other person. And finally, it can be difficult to sustain. Finding a partner that you can be happy with requires you to be proactive. It requires effort and work.

In our culture, we put so much emphasis on finding Mr. or Ms. Right, and then marrying them, she continues. And thats the end of the expectationsno one talks about what happens once the wedding is over. No one writes Part 2 of the fairy tale about what happens after they ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

There are no courses in school about how to survive and thrive in relationships, yet scientific studies have found that having satisfying and sustainable relationships is one of the most important factors associated with personal happiness and aging well.

This absence of education is part of what motivated Suzie and James to explore the science of positive psychologythe study of what makes individuals and communities thriveto see how it can be used to help foster healthy relationships. Using the results of positive psychology research, they created an engaging and interactive 12-lesson course on how to build love that lasts.

Here are four quick tips from Suzie and James:

When Not to Follow the Golden Rule

When it comes to events like Valentines Day, communication is key to managing expectations. This is one place where we might want to question The Golden Rule of Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Often, we assume our partner wants the same thing we do.

But you might want chocolate and flowers, while your partner may prefer an experience you can enjoy as a couple. For this reason, its important to ask questions of your partner, listening to and acknowledging what they want and need. Putting the shoe on the other foot, so to speak.

We cant assume our partner knows what we want without being told. So, we need to share our wants and needs with them. And since we are both continually changing, this type of communication can help us understand one another on a deeper level, whether its our first Valentines Day together or our 50th.

Go Back to Go Forward

Look back to the beginning of the relationshipthe falling in love stage. What attracted you to your partner? What intrigued you? What strengths of theirs did you admire? Zest? Leadership? Analytical and critical thinking?

Sometimes these same traits that initially attracted us start to annoy us because we are no longer focusing on whats right with our partner, but rather are dwelling on whats wrong. Through this negative lens, those unique differences in our partner are now seen as deficits.

That leadership personality you fell for can now seem bossy. But thinking back to the beginning, remembering why you found your partners strengths attractive, and then celebrating them can help bring back the positivity you shared.

When we use our own strengths on a daily basis, we grow as individuals. When we help our partners use their strengths and celebrate them, we grow as a couple.

Small Moments Matter

One of the most important things we can do is to slow down and savor the daily moments. We so frequently move at such rapid speeds that many moments slip by unnoticed. And with that we miss opportunities to connect with our loved one. But happiness is found in the small moments.

All we have in life are moments, so be present in the moments shared with your partner. Stop multi-tasking and give your partner your full attention when approached. Really listen, acknowledge, and responddont just react, and dont go on automatic pilot with your replies.

Prioritize Positivity

Dont try to force yourself, or your partner, to be happy. That is likely to backfire. Instead, do what the happiest people do: prioritize positivity. In other words, notice what activities bring joy to your life and then schedule them into your day. The activities will differ from person to person, of course, since we have unique strengths and personalities.

What can you do for yourself, and with your partner, that will bring you delight? Take a walk, cook a meal, watch a realistic romantic movie (Suzie recommends As Good as It Gets), garden whatever you love. Dont just wait for enjoyable things to happen. By pursuing our beloved interests and hobbies, positive emotions are more likely to occur.

Excerpt from:

A Cynic's Guide to Finding Love That Lasts - The Great Courses Daily News

Were four days out from the start of Super Rugby and the harsh reality of Covid has set in across the Tasman, with a leading rugby writers bitter lament for the state of the competition that were about to see.

New Zealand Herald rugby writer Gregor Paul has cast a, well pall, over what should be a bright new dawn for the game, likening Super Rugby to the punch-drunk, veteran boxer being forced into the ring to keep collecting a paycheck.

Super Rugby kicks off this weekend, or probably will, and never has the sense of anticipation been less, Paul wrote on Tuesday.

Even when the competition was full of junk teams and shorn of sabbatical-taking All Blacks there was always still some lingering hope the whole thing would somehow ignite and produce a few tales of the unexpected.

But alas, what was once the greatest oval ball show on the planet a fast and furious, all-glamour adventure to the Southern Hemispheres most iconic rugby citadels has been reduced, for the next month, to a handful of teams kicking a ball about in the local park behind the Four Square in Queenstown.

The New Zealand teams, and Moana Pasifika, have been confined in a hub in Central Otago, with games to be missing fans as New Zealand struggles with Covid restrictions.

Already an outbreak has impacted the schedule, with the opening match between Moana Pasifika and the Blues postponed due to positive tests. That leaves the Waratahs and Fiji Drua to get the competition underway on Friday night in Sydney.

As Paul argued, the situation is one of getting by rather than making waves in New Zealand, with NZR hell-bent on satisfying broadcasters above anything else.

For the next month, the mindset is that the show must go on, he wrote. Pick up the dog shit and the stray booze cans chucked by the underage drinkers and get 30 players any 30 players who have produced a negative RAT test out there.

Anton Lienert-Brown of the Chiefs (Photo by Fiona Goodall/Getty Images)

Thats all that matters because decamping to Queenstown is an exercise in buying time as much as it is about preserving income.

To gain its full broadcast fee, NZR have to deliver not just the New Zealand component of Super Rugby but the trans-Tasman element, too.

If too many games are cancelled in the next few weeks, there wont be any time left to ram them in later, so NZR are gambling that they can smash through their domestic fixtures from the relative security of their Queenstown bio-bubble, by which time, the Omicron wave may have peaked.

Paul said he had sympathy for NZR, but the risks are high.

To be fair to NZR, what else can they do? Paul wrote. They came up with a Super Rugby Pacific format that everyone loved and through circumstances beyond their control they can no longer deliver as intended.

But for all their tenacity to keep the competition alive, they know, as does everyone else, that it will take a miracle for this to not be yet another year in which Super Rugby endures prolific brand damage.

For all of Pauls reservations, the show will go on and with some tweaks to the rules this season.

In a media briefing ahead of the new season, New Zealand Rugby referee manager Bryce Lawrence and NZR head of high performance Mike Anthony revealed that Australian teams have accepted golden point to decide tied games, while dumping the captains challenge that proved controversial in Super Rugby Aotearoa last year.

The red card replacement rule return, with World Rugby granting dispensation for the rule change to be continued.

The captains challenge was not used in Super Rugby AU or TT last season but caused issues in the NZ only competition.

It allowed captains the opportunity to ask the referee (until unsuccessful) to refer to the TMO for an infringement in the lead-up to a try, or to review foul play.

In a sport already blighted by stoppages it just slowed them down even further.

The golden point extra time rule had been in Super Rugby Aotearoa the past two years, but not in the trans-Tasman comp as the New Zealand and Australia unions couldnt agree on it.

But now with a competitions committee for Super Rugby Pacific, it went to vote, and got support.

We had complete consensus across all of our clubs, Anthony said of the Kiwi view.

Australia were really keen on a golden try. But we felt that it could prolong the game and use all the 10 minutes [extra time] and potentially not get an outcome. And a bit of a concern from us [was] around teams playing negatively to negate try-scoring.

The red-card replacement rule, where a sent-off player can be subbed after 20 minutes, has been in Super Rugby AU and Aotearoa the past two seasons. World Rugby rejected it as part of their global law trials but it was introduced to the Rugby Championship and stays for Super Rugby Pacific.

Other global law trials such as the goal-line dropouts and 50-22 kicks remain.

Meanwhile AAP reports that after an unprecedented winless campaign last year, the Waratahs kick off their 2022 Super Rugby Pacific season on Friday night following an unbeaten trial run.

The mood in the camp from last year and now, after dam-busting wins over the Brumbies, Queensland Reds and combined Shute Shield opposition, is like chalk and cheese.

The Tahs have no doubt that last years trials and tribulations have helped them bounce back stronger.

If you were in our change rooms after a couple of our losses last year, youd know that its not a very nice place to be, Waratahs hardman Will Harris said on Tuesday.

And pretty much everyone in our squad was in those change rooms and knows what that felt like and is really determined not to feel like that again.

Its not very nice.

Were excited to announce the launch of The Roar Rugby Podcast co-hosted by our experts Brett McKay and Harry Jones and featuring some special guests. You can check out the trailer below and the guys will be back for a full Super Rugby preview on Wednesday.

As tough as last year was, Harris says the despair and humiliation of defeat after defeat after defeat for 13 matches in total was also character building.

Its a bit of a revenge story, isnt it? Everyones sort of bloods boiling after last year, he said.

Although we werent getting the results on the field and that was tough, the group still stayed really tight, which is a credit to all the boys.

There were no chinks in the group. We all stayed really close. Theres a lot of love and were all buying in for each other at the moment.

As far as mindset changes, its just been nice to win a couple of games.

Winning makes a big difference for me personally and I know the Waratahs as an organisation, everything is about winning.

Professional sport is all about winning and weve got a few wins under our belt now. Theyre only trials. We know that means nothing and weve got no points on the board but just winning is a habit.

Now weve got a few on the board, hopefully that can continue.

Harris says facing the Fijian Drua at Parramattas Bankwest Stadium in the competition newcomers eagerly awaited debut is a privilege.

We didnt win a game and were really excited about putting our best foot forward this weekend and trying to win our first Super Rugby game in a while, the back-rower said.

The Drua upset the Melbourne Rebels in their one and only trial last week to provide early vindication for inclusion after serving a three-year apprenticeship in the National Rugby Championship.

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'Pick up the dog sh-- and booze cans': NZ pundit's bleak view of Super Rugby launch, Kiwis win battle over golden point rule - The Roar