Frank Cerabino|Palm Beach Post

When it comes to taking the COVID-19 pandemic seriously, consider Canada.

Canada doesnt screw around.

This week, Canadas top public health officer, Dr. Theresa Tam, advised budding romantics in that country to avoid face-to-face contact or closeness with their new heartthrobs, and if things got intimate, to wear masks during sex.

Im guessing this will create a run on Darth Vader costumes in Canada. (Insert name here), I am your father daddy.

"Current evidence indicates there is a very low likelihood of contracting the novel coronavirus through semen or vaginal fluids, Tams statement said. However, even if the people involved do not have symptoms, sexual activity with new partners does increase your risk of getting or passing Covid-19 through close contact, like kissing.

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And so in an abundance of caution, Canadas top public health officer had another subtle suggestion.

The lowest risk sexual activity during COVID-19 involves yourself alone, she said.

She didnt explain. But she didnt have to.

This was exhaustively covered by musical raconteur Tom Waits in the talk-up to his 1975 song, Better Off Without a Wife.

I've always kinda been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out … Well, one thing about it, youre always around …

You ask yourself out, you know some class joint somewhere, The Burrito King … Then take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe, then some provocative conversation on the way home.

And park in front of the house … you smoothly put a little nice music on, then slide over real nice and say, Oh, I think you have something in your eye.

I take myself up to the porch, take myself inside, maybe get a little something in a brandy snifter … Would you like to listen to some of my back records? …

Well, usually about 2:30 in the morning youve ended up taking advantage of yourself. There aint no way around that, you know.

Canada could just release the lyrics to Waits song as a public health document.

Compare that level of concern to what we have now in Florida.

While Canadas top health official was talking down kissing and talking up solo sex, Palm Beach County Mayor Dave Kerner felt the need to issue a No Nazi Salute rule at this weeks county commission meetings.

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The meetings have become circuses marred by shouting from mask-detesting residents who imagine its their constitutional right to share their water droplets with everyone.

And anything short of relaxing all attempts to stop the spread of COVID-19 is equated with government fascism and Hitlers Germany, as evidenced by the ironic Nazi salutes aimed at county commissioners.

Meanwhile, Floridas tourism arm is beginning a new push to get Floridians to travel more within the state as a way to beef up the states tourism industry.

Our data has determined that people right now, even though many are ready to travel, they feel more comfortable traveling closer to home, Dana Young, the head of Visit Florida, said this week.

Translation: If we cant get out-of-state visitors to spread the virus in our state, well just have to work harder to spread it among ourselves.

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Its pretty clear that the more Floridiansmove around and mingle, the more likely the virus will spread. So, encouraging more travel during this pre-vaccination period, whether its in-state or out of state, is just bound to take things in the wrong direction.

Even so, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Florida is back this week, saying the in-state tourism push is going to make that clear.

Im sure if we work hard enough, the higher infection rate in South Florida can be shared with the rest of the state.

A casual observer looking at the juxtaposition of these official actions might assume that the pandemic must be raging in Canada while it has all-but-disappeared in Florida.

And yet, here are the numbers.

In all of Canada, a nation of about 38 million people, there have been a total of about 132,000 cases and 9,188 deaths due to COVID-19 as of Thursday.

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And the latest seven-day average of new cases in the whole country is fewer than 500 per day.

In Florida, which has slightly more than half the population of Canada, there have been a total of 633,000 cases and 11,500 deaths thats 2,365 more deaths than the toll in all of Canada.

And Floridas latest seven-day trend of new infections is about 2,800 new cases per day, which is more than five times higher than the rate in the whole country of Canada.

So, it would make more sense if our attitudes toward the pandemic were reversed, with we Floridians being the advocates for less travel and more solo sex.

fcerabino@pbpost.com

@FranklyFlorida

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Cerabino: In world of COVID-19 precautions, it's Florida, not Canada, that should be advocating solo sex - Palm Beach Post