VEGAN NUMBERS RISING FASTER THAN METHANE

Research by culinary website Chefs Pencil reveals a disturbing rise of veganism among previously interesting people.

Australia is the second-most vegan nation in the world, behind only the UK, where food was already dangerously lacking in flavour.

Many interesting conversations about politics, philosophy and The Bachelor are being rudely interrupted by earnest declarations:

Did I mention Im vegan?

Did I mention that I mentioned Im vegan?

You are rolling your eyes at me it could be Mad Cows Disease.

A vegan named Megan said, There are too many methane-producing cows warming the planet.

Meat-lovers declared they are working on the problem.

POX AMERICANA

Fifty per cent of Americans say the other 50 per cent of Americans are communist riot-rabblers.

50 per cent of Americans say the other 50 per cent of Americans are fascist neck-kneelers. Both sides are 100 per cent right.

Joe Bidens most attractive asset is that after his Inauguration speech, he will drop dead. Donald Trump claims Trump is the best man to fix the hateful chaos caused by Trump.

Fortunately for the safety of democracy, most Americans dont vote. Trumps followers are expected to not vote. Twice.

WORLD STOPS AS FORMER PMs SAY SOMETHING OR OTHER

The former prime ministers of a little known island somewhere in the Pacific (or Indian?) Ocean said something or other about whatever.

Kevin Rudd, loved by all who are Kevin Rudd, has a popularity rating of .07 with a 100 per cent margin of error.

Former PMs Paul Keating, John Howard and Malcolm Turnbulltwang announced their own barbecue-stoppers. But no one is having barbecues.

Thankfully, Tony Abbott kept quietly working for the English, as always.

OSCAR AWARDS IS A BOYS NAME. DISCUSS.

Movies must meet diversity standards in order to qualify for Best Picture at the Oscars.

To win an Oscar, movies must have at least one main character from an under-represented group such as non-Marvel superheroes and North Korean comedians.

Meanwhile, right-wing groups attacked Hollywoods negative stereotyping of minorities such as serial-killers, Nazis and anyone on the Dark Side of the Force. A spokesman in a Make America Germany Again hat said, Hollywood gives pure evil a bad name.

The new guidelines are a Woke-up call, said a non-species-specific entity.

Luckily, male-dominated movies featuring wars, gladiators and Moon landings have never been popular.

In other news

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at@RealTimFerguson

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The Ferguson Report: 'Did I mention that I mentioned I'm vegan?' - The New Daily