I AM scum. I am fat. I am ugly. And I have the talent of a single-celled amoeba.

Not my thoughts, necessarily, rather the words of dozens of trolls this week following an entirely innocuous interview with Piers Morgan.

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We were discussing TV ratings.

Over the weekend, Marcus Rashford a man so brilliant and decent he was awarded an MBE for his anti-poverty campaigning revealed he had been hit by a string of abusive slurs relating to the colour of his skin.

While our levels of trolling are by no means directly comparable, things do need to change.

Smartly, Marcus refused to name-and-shame these imbecilic Instagram keyboard warriors.

Because, presumably, giving these cretins air-time would be singularly the most exciting thing to have ever happened in their tragic little lives.

Instead, Greater Manchester Police revealed an investigation has been launched, and action will be taken.

But will it?

Last week, ministers drew up plans to fine The Big Three Facebook, Twitter and Instagram if they dont start clamping down on anonymous abusers.

In August 2019, Twitter vowed to monitor the accounts of high-profile black footballers.

And yet, 18 months on, type almost any unsavoury word into the search box and up pops an array of inflammatory and offensive posts.

They make for unedifying reading.

Airbnb, the San Francisco startup which has gone on to become the planets biggest hotel chain, demands an intimidatingly long list of security requirements before users can join.

So if we have to jump through hoops in order to stay in someone elses house, why is it so easy to invade someones personal space via the medium of a mobile phone?

Obviously this isnt communist China. We already have our daily state-sanctioned walks.

We dont want the Government, or social media companies, having unlimited access to our private data as well.

But why are these global tech companies, worth billions and billions of pounds, still struggling to enact policies they themselves brought in?

Surely its not too much trouble to demand users provide a full name, mobile phone number and a photo to ensure accounts are verified and, well, held to account.

If I had my way, users would also have to provide details of their employer.

That way, one racist or homophobic post later and your boss would know exactly how much of a scumbag you are outside of the office.

If these people people in the loosest sense of the word here thought their jobs were at stake, they might think twice before spouting their bile.

Freedom of speech is one thing no one should be too scared to make a joke or gently poke fun at an issue or person but systematic trolling is quite another.

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On Sunday, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge waded into the Marcus Rashford row, calling for those who choose to spread hate being held accountable.

William and Kate are two of the hardest-working royals out there and the prince even worked during his battle with Covid in April. But they, too, get horrifically trolled.

At any one time, Kate is deemed too thin, too perfect, too dull, too smiley.

She literally cannot win.

In the wake of my interview with Piers, I came off Twitter for a day. When I logged back on I had more than 1,000 notifications, very few of them praising my Austenesque turn of phrase or glamour-model good looks.

Piers once told me he laughs off most of the comments but even he, the most thick-skinned man in showbiz, is not immune to it all.

Unless youre a sociopath, its simply impossible to ignore

Made Brexiteers of us all

URSULA VON DER LEYEN and her underlings have made Brexiteers of us all.

I voted Remain and, until recently, was pretty nervous about the whole quitting Europe thing.

But then the European Commission President came along, tried to blockade our vaccines and reminded us all just why so many wanted to leave the EU in the first place.

Arguably, for the first time in 12 months, Boris Johnson has acted decisively and swiftly in his handling of the Oxford-AstraZeneca and Pfizer jabs.

While immense credit must also be given to vaccine tsar Kate Bingham, its Ursula, that other high-profile female at the centre of Europes chaotic vaccination rollout, who has shown Brits that we can not only survive without the EU, but flourish.

LAST night I switched on my TV to watch Keeley Hawes moping around her smart home in Finding Alice.

On Friday I binged Keeley Hawes playing a misguided mum in Its A Sin.

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And now, its emerged, I can fill my Saturday nights watching Keeley Hawes as a DI in Line Of Duty.

Yep, as if we didnt have enough of the 44-year-old actress, the BBC has just announced plans to re-run series two of the hit police procedural show.

Perhaps time for casting agents to give someone else a crack?

00:41am on January 31 marked a pretty rubbish one-year anniversary of the first ever UK case of coronavirus.

A year on, what have we learned?

Well, it turns out were not all as materialistic as we once thought.

Yesterday a report showed that Brits are reading more than ever, while banana bread and sourdough continue to get churned out in households across the UK.

Apparently more of us are knitting (no idea who, but still), playing Scrabble and getting outside for some good old-fashioned walking.

Influencers aside they are too busy hash-tagging from Dubai to be dusting off board games weve rediscovered the joys of being wholesome.

Digital detox

THERES a new fat-shaming in town, and it goes by the name of screen-humbling.

Thanks to lockdown mkIII and bleak mid-winter not only are we cooped up inside more than ever, we have also largely exhausted Netflix and iPlayer.

This means more aimless scrolling on mobiles. Or, in my case, six hours and 38 minutes of aimless scrolling.

As if the iPhone pedometer wasnt shaming enough, smartphones are helpfully offering up a daily screen time counter and mine is routinely terrifying. So on Sunday I decided to go cold turkey with a WhatsApp detox.

I lasted 16 hours and in that time missed calls from my boss, two best mates and the Amazon delivery driver, all genuinely concerned Id died in the night/wasnt in to sign for my new dog blanket.

BECAUSE there is not enough going on in the world right now, people have been moaning about Holly Willoughbys boobs and Davina McCalls knees.

These ridiculous humans have even gone to the effort of complaining to broadcast regulator Ofcom about said boobs.

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In fact, more people complained about Hollys cleavage on Dancing On Ice than objected to jockey Jason Maguires excessive use of the whip on poor, flogged racehorse Ballabriggs in the 2011 Grand National.

Similarly, Davina incurred the wrath of trolls for daring to wear a white spaghetti-strap dress on The Masked Singer, at the age of 53.

The assumption being any female over 40 should flash no more than a finely turned ankle and a hint of wrist.

HIC-HIC hooray its the end of Dry January.

And God, what an interminable month its been.

Bar one, small aberration sadly no actual bars I stuck to it.

In normal times Id be planning an almighty midweek bender to excitedly re-wreck my rejuvenated liver.

But actually, theres no point. Who am I going to get hammered with?

Which stranger am I going to hug at 11pm, telling them I can see us being friends in 40 years time? You see, pointless.

So, for the first time ever, Im planning on going booze-free until spring finally arrives.

Because nothing beats a spot of self-flagellation.

CONFIRMATION that Britains Got Talent has been scrapped this year means two things: We are spared both a bunch of stage-school brats high-kicking around the London Palladium and Simon Cowell appearing on screen in 2021.

The once most over-exposed man in showbiz has, all of a sudden, gone eerily quiet.

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After spending his new year in Barbados, the 61-year-old mogul has noiselessly returned to London and has yet to get papped.

After breaking his back in August, he didnt even appear by video link for the widely hyped final.

This means Simons most recent TV appearance, a pre-record, was in September 2020.

With The X Factor also resting this year, Simon wont now appear on TV until April 2022.

In showbiz terms, an aeon.

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Exclusive

DUBAI JAIL FEARBrit faces two years in Dubai jail for sending 'F*** You' text to flatmate

ITS around this time of year that Strictly bookers start to hit the phones.

This year surely well see a waltz from Chris Whitty an Argentine tango from Jonathan Van-Tam or Dido Harding doing the paso doble.

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And given the Beeb loves a twirling politician, Health Secretary Matt Hancock can expect a call...

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Cops can hunt for Marcus Rashfords racist trolls but only tech giants can silence them - The Sun